Homosexuality - "coming out the closet"

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I'm not sure whether this should be in the "Love and Dating" forum, "Adolescent" forum, "Friendship" or "School Life", however, I'll try to keep this as short as possible. Very basically, I am having trouble trying to find my sexuality at the moment. Although I consider myself to be so, I cannot seem to accept the fact that I appear to be homosexual. I have no idea why, but I think some of this may have to do with reading up about those that have changed sexuality in their 40's and 50's... Also, maybe a slight bit of Homophobia, fear of mocking and fear of what my family/"Special Needs"/Friends would say...

Anyway, to the matter at hand, I read somewhere that those that are "gay" can also notice "gay" tendencies. Well, I noticed one of my friends persistently acting somewhat suggestively to his/my friends and me. I asked those friends if they had noticed it, and indeed they had (however, they didn't consider it enough to be mentionable). I told them all to keep it "just between us, as friends, for now.". Turns out that he found out. At first, I thought he would take offence, but he seemed incredibly relieved, however, he beat around the bush and, when asked later by another friend of his, he denied it and acted as if it were all in jest. He still continues the actions, however.

My problem? The fact that he beat around the bush alot seemed to me as if he was hiding it, and the fact that he took it in jest seemed so also. I asked a question on WikiAnswers to get the reply of something along the lines of "Let him know you don't mind and admit to him that you, yourself, are gay"... The problem for me is that it could just be my imagination (the fact that he has several girlfriends supports this idea, however, he could just be "fitting in")... Maybe I want him to be homosexual so much, maybe I'm just imagining these things... Also, if I'm not, I can't just "come out of the closet", can I? I probably couldn't bear the mocking or language used if certain people were to ever find out. Not to mention, assuming he is homosexual, I instantly assume he would be attracted to me (well, he has been doing these suggestive things to most of his friends, including me). If he's not? I still wouldn't mind anyway. Just anything to stop me contemplating every moment whether or not he is.

I had a lot of difficulties in my teens and twenties trying to work out this kind of behaviour in guys who were, for public purposes, "straight". It's probably hard if you like this guy, but my own advice would be to reserve your feelings for people that can be clear about who they are... it can get really messy otherwise. He might be gay, or he might be mucking around for attention, or he might not know what he wants yet. My advice would be only tell him about yourself if you don't care what the response is. If you're investing everything in hoping he's gonna say "yeah, me too!" - well... you might get lucky, but you might be totally gutted. On the other hand, if you think you can handle him saying "that's not what I'm into", and you think he can keep it to himself, then maybe it's good to tell him, and see what he says. Try not to be "attached" to the answer.

I came out when I was 16, and by that time, I didn't care any more what anyone thought about me, as I'd taken so much crap anyway in secondary school. Actually it worked out ok for me. There were some idiots who called me names, etc. But a lot of people were pretty liberal about it and respected me for doing it. I guess only you can know if you can handle the backlash, but it's often not as bad as people think it's going to be - some girls respond very positively, and some of the more open-minded guys give kudos for the courage involved. Depends on the people who are at your school, really.

Anyway, this is just opinions, hopefully some more people will post and give you some other points of view. All the best... it's hard being aspie and gay, but life can still work out good.

Robinhood, we're both the same age, and when I was 16, I don't think I understood the concept of what gay meant. With no internet in accessible existance and being an aspie it would have been impossible for me to understand why i was being made fun of by my peers. I got called gay, queer and was asked frequently if I have gotten laid. how was I supposed to know what that meant? yes, I lay myself down when I go to bed. It was the early 90s, and none of this was understood by me.

Well as I say, that was my experience, and my own opinions. A lot of people I know, including aspies, will say that they knew they were gay at a very early age. But everyone's different... that's why we're all here sharing our ideas.

I knew when I was much younger that I didn't feel any differently towards guys than I did towards girls. I wasn't aware that this was unusual, however. Now, I still have only come out to a limited group, mostly friends.

Etular,

I am an out gay male. I was asexual until around 19, when I went to college and was around a more open group of people. There was a guy there who was openly gay, and I began to question my own sexuality. After a lot of angst, I came to the realisation that I was in fact that way inclined, and I've embraced it and now it's just one of those things about me, but doesn't necessarily define me.

What I want to say, though, is "gaydar" is a myth. A lot of homosexual people claim to be able to tell if someone else is gay by their mannerisms, the way they dress, etc. As people with ASD, some of us have enough trouble trying to figure out non-verbal communications anyway, let alone someone's sexual preference from the way they walk or dress. Take also into account that some guys are passive in nature, they may come across as gay, but in fact may be full hetero. It really is not possible to tell.

Also, almost everyone I know has experimented in some way or another with members of the same sex. This is a normal part of sexual development and identity, which adds further confusion to the "is-he-isn't-he" problem.

So as far as you're concerned, if you think you are gay, and are comfortable identifying as such, then that's great. Welcome to a very small group of people: gay aspies. But, accepting it is hard. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with (including my AS diagnosis), but in the end, I realised that if I couldn't love myself, I couldn't expect anyone else to. This is especially difficult if you've been raised in a homophobic environment. There are issues you would need to work through. No one is forcing you to enjoy being around people (especially from an AS perspective), and in my experience, there are some gay people I don't like at all.

As far as your friend is concerned, he might be gay, he might be experimenting, he might be joking around, or he may just be confused. Whatever the case, your friendship is important. Be his friend. Don't talk about him behind his back.

There's other stuff, but I'm getting tired thinking this hard! Please forgive me.

If you would like to chat some more about this, PM me. I have counselling experience and my advice is purely platonic.

Thank you all.

True. This is the main worry - as he makes such apparently obvious signs (e.g. pretending to sit on his friend's knee, then laughing as if it were a joke (pretty much all my friends think that, if they hadn't looked at him uninterested, he might have actually done so), putting his arm around and hugging random friends (when such thing isn't considered "the norm" at our school) etc.). However, he doesn't seem to do it in the same way that attention-seekers do it... Which makes me wonder... However, ofcourse, experimentation could be it.



I consider myself such, definitely, but I'm worried about people's reaction and if I ever "change my mind"... When you see 40-year-olds "changing their mind", you can't help but feel unsure...



I would never speak badly of a person behind their back. As for friendship, I will continue to be his friend.

He might be gay but trying to hide it with humour because he doesn't know how to handle it. Only he knows for sure. That's where just being there, as a friend, you can help.



This is completely normal at your age. And if you change your mind 25 years from now, then so what? As long as you are honest with yourself, it shouldn't matter what others think. I have a very pragmatic approach about what other people think: it's none of their business. This is, after all, about sexual preference, and should have no effect on how you live your life.



Great to hear . It sounds like you've got your priorities right. You're in an interesting time of your life, and without me sounding like a parent, you have a lot to deal with right now, and having clarity is always a good thing.

I would PM you, but I'm curious of whether or not anyone else might want to add their own input into the topic.

Thanks. Either way, I've been trying to show him myself that I am a friend (as if he doesn't know already) and can be trusted.



If I change my mind 25 years from now, even I have taboos against the thought of unfaithfulness, divorce, sex with more than one person etc. To change my mind would be to go against my thoughts on divorce and sex. As for others, it's hard to feel like being homosexual is "right" if we're all assumed/conformed into wanted to grow up as normal, "straight" adults. There's also the thought of my parents screaming at me... I doubt, if that's true, that I'd be able to handle that...



Thanks.

Exactly. I have the same problems myself. People think that the gaydar is a real legit thing, but being an aspie, it's entirely out of whack.

You're gay yourself. That makes things easier. I agree tell him. I've told a few of my friends I'm bi and none of them have betrayed me, just work out if he's trustworthy and tell him although I'm guessing he is and is just hiding it. I know some people like that. But you need to tell him. I have trust issues yet I did. You should too.

I have trust issues myself. That being said, most of my other friends would never be able to keep a secret - but as for him, I'm unsure. The friends that wouldn't be able to keep a secret admit that they would laugh and tease if they were to find out that someone in their group was "gay". As for him? I have honestly no idea. How would I say it? When would I say it? The only time I really see him is school and if he invites me to his (or if I invite him to mine). If I say it at school, I fear someone else would find out, if I say it after inviting him to mine, I fear either my parents finding out or him over-react and if I say it while at his house, I fear he would kick me out.

I told my mates at school but here's my advice for you. Invite him over to your place then talk to him seriously. Tell him he's the only person you trust to tell this then come out. Before that make him promise he won't overeact or anything (although a good friend wouldn't, they may show shock but that's natural). If he does spread then if you have female friends ask them to pretend to be your gf to disprove it. If not you could always just admit it. People may be nasty but words can be ignored. If worst comes to worst do what I used to do and introvert yourself. If you only care about what you think life is a LOT easier. And if you tell him your gay and he is then he should come out or at least say he's bi (some bi's are actually bi, some just say so because they think it's more acceptable than being gay). If he's straight then just don't admit any feelings you may have towards him. If you need any more advice on the subject just send another post or send a PM, I'm watching this forum

I'll decide to post again to keep everyone who may view this updated.

Quite ironic. He's asked me to go to his house tomorrow. My fear is that, often after saying so, he ends up saying "Sorry, I've actually got other plans" or a friend ends up telling me "But he said he was doing this on that day...?". He's one of those people that, for some strange reason, always needs to ask, despite knowing that they have other plans... Anyway, I digress slightly, perfect time to ask or do I leave it to a later date? Not to mention the fact that, if I tell him at my house, my parents don't yet know about it.



Agreed, however, my female friends would most likely never agree to such a thing (and would probably even side with him if they were to know). I see myself as serenity in a bottle (a metaphor), however. I never get angered publicly, but instead I am a time-bomb that is released as soon as I'm with those I trust (E.G: Family). I can ignore and bear any insults thrown towards me. Even when physically hit or kicked repeatedly by others, I am still anti-violence etc. Therefore, the latter option could work for me...



Ah, the days of isolation... I remember them somewhat vividly... However, it seems whatever I do and wherever I go I find trouble or trouble finds me. The friends I make, most of the time, aren't trustworthy and, when given the option to move onto a new set of more trustworthy friends, I decline it - then spend almost every waking moment either studying, playing on games or wondering how my life would have been had I chosen them over my old friends...

However, I will always come into trouble - and I always think, whether or not they are trustworthy, at least friends are willing to motivate you and help you through the rough times - even if they do complain about your whining, that itself is motivation (As in the words of the almighty internet, "Less QQ, more pewpew" or, in English, "Less crying, more fighting back"). Isolation does, however, have it's obvious perks - but I can't bear being able to tell my friends "I want nothing to do with you any more, you were part of my former life - the shell which I plan to break away from" or ignore them... It's happened all my life, however. First school, I was a third party of, quite literally, a school war that did not concern me because my friend dragged me into it. Second school, after befriending people, they all turned against me. Third School, my friend thieved from me...

...I digress to much about what I believe I may have already mentioned. Back to the main subject.



Thank you. All I need is the right moment...

Update: My former fear happened. He says, on the day I'm meant to visit, "Sorry, one of my parent's friends is staying over." - the thing is, he says that every time and does not know how much that makes me distrust him. He's one of those people with OCD that feels the need to always ask even though he knows I would not be able to visit...

Ahh, that's a shame. I'm sorry. Yeah invite him over to yours then, that might make things easier. Then he won't be able to say he has a parents friend coming over.