Constant Downwards Spiral...

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I know this has been plaguing me for a while, but I've decided to note down all the things I am currently finding terrible in a hope that someone has a quick and easy solution to my problem (if such a solution exists). Basically, before I begin, if I were to affix myself 3 labels (heck, over the past few weeks I've been trying too many attempts to find labels for my personality to 'fit in'...) they would be Aspie, Gay and "Trapped inside a bubble". You'll see what i mean by each of those once I begin.

I'm not sure where to start, really. Being Aspie, as you would all know about, I am a very unsociable person at times. I am also a very overly-paranoid person who constantly regrets every action he may take. I am currently in one group of friends (whom, one of their members I have a rather pointless crush on), but constantly feel as if I belong in a different group/social circle of friends. Due to my Social Ineptness, I have pretty much wasted every single blooming chance I had to join either of my favourite groups (and, believe me, chances were given in the bucketloads...), because of my foolish belief that "Well, I've known these friends longer, so I'll stick with them" and my fear of leaving my current group... So, currently, I'm a serious, hard-working person in a group of overly-casual people with whom I share a few contrasting views with.

If you think the above paragraph is bad, keep you haven't read the worst yet. My over-paranoia causes me to believe that my friends are either using me or working against me in some way or another. Although I've mostly dispelled my paranoid beliefs, over time they still plague my thoughts... This paranoia and lack of relating to them is further supported by the fact that I spend all of my break and lunchtimes with the Special Needs Department whilst these friends are outside. I wish to join them, but fear if I do so I may be at risk of harm from other pupils. The half-hours of full conversation they have quickly add up and have caused a monumental rift between me and them...

I'm literally "trapped inside a bubble", as I said above. I'm never outside due to local thugs in my area (I live beside a park, so 'tis expected...), therefore, I know no-one locally, I know of no clubs locally, I know of no places of which I can go to locally and I spend every weekday in a Cycle of: Home --> Transportation to School --> School --> Transportation Home --> Home and Repeat. I spend all day, every day, on a computer with very little to do... Even if I were to go out, I would have no friends to go downtown with. Whilst I'm in these Break/Lunch clubs, they're making friends amongst themselves. If anything, the most torturous part of this is when they all talk of having gone downtown with each other themselves... I ask to join them, and they say they'll invite me next time, but it never, ever happens... Obviously, this means I end up with very little trust in them (and I'm not subtle in hiding that either. I used to be for a time, but after a while it became unbearable hiding it).

To drop a huge bombshell on everything, I've self-identified (after about 2-3 years) as gay. Although these problems have been present for a while, it's now when I've seen the devastating effects. First things first, I mentioned above I had this crush on one guy in the group, right? I blame that feeling of a crush for the reason I have rejected all other attempts to join other groups - as I've always been so attached to him, to want to be with him etc. I've done constant research on the LGBT community ever since, and even went as far as to come out to parents and some staff at the school. All is well, ofcourse, until 4/6th's (2/3rds) of the 6 people I told merely regard it as a "phase"...

This all links up, in a way. I know that there are people openly out in the school. On the otherhand, I am not out myself. I'm tempted to come out to friends, but I don't trust them enough due to the lack of time I've spent with them and [insert other factors above here], not to mention the fact that my parents prohibit me from telling them. My bubbled lifestyle prevents me from finding out about these people myself naturally (as I'm never out on breaktimes), and I can't just ask - as I'd most likely be suspected of being myself. The major problem is that I crave someone I can relate to. Someone whom is my age, is openly gay themselves and can give me instruction about the local scene. Nothing more, as some people may suggest. Due to the fact that I know such people are there, that's what makes it all the worse (even one girl, I think, once said she was Bi. I fear of asking her, however, incase I heard incorrectly and offend). There are no local online resources and/or information on clubs, either (Other than one, aged 13-25, but all members are in their 20's...), so I'm lost. Even if I were to find something, I'd be stuck - as my parents prohibit all LGBT action I take, which means I'd have no transportation...

Thanks for listening to this blatant rant at myself. If you can give advice, it'd be much appreciated, but right now I feel as if I'm taking the world's weight on my shoulders and just want to find self-acceptance within myself. One last snide comment I can say about myself and the predicament I've got into involves my very low self-esteem, which seems to be very evident in this post. I'm not the fittest, nor the healthiest. I have no reason to be, but every day I look at myself and compare me to my "friends" and it literally tears me apart. In my eyes, comparing any of them to myself makes them appear the epitome of beauty and yet I am left to wallow in my own hideousness... 'Tis truly agonising for a person as vain as myself to be be able to say that about himself.

Thank you for reading,
Please reply/respond,
Etular

Hey man, I'm new here, but if this will help, then here goes: I know some of what you're feeling. I'm not gay, but I am Jewish, and I've almost gotten into fights about my faith. I've had friends stab me in the back, I've felt like my whole school was out to get me, and I've felt isolated in ways few can know. But we're all in this together. So dont give up, dont back down, accept yourself and dont look back. I may still be learning to practice what I preach sometimes, but I've seen the truth in those words. So hey, dont get to down on yourself.