Difficulty expressing emitions...

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has anyone got any tips on how to express different emotions or more generally how to express something to someone without coming over as hostile?? I am having trouble trying to express some emotions to my parents. Yesterday they said I was self centered. I tried to tell them I am not intentionally so and they ended up upsetting me so i did not speak to them for the whole evening..

James

James:

One of the had things about having autism and expressing emotions is that when things go wrong it can be so hard on us. You should be proud of yourself for trying to express your emotions to your parents, and your wilingness to keep at it when things have not gone well.

Some of the best advice I ever got on emotions and other people came from reading Temple Grandin, who says that she used to get angry when people were frustrating her. Now she just gets sad instead. This works for me-- I try to focus on what makes me sad in a situation rather than what makes me angry. This makes me less threatening to other people and it helps me to get into an analytical space. I know it sounds like awful, self-defeating advice, but I don't mean to beat yourself up. I mean that I try to focus on what my need is that isn't being met (which makes me sad) rather than on my response to that need being ignored (anger). Sadness cools me downs and gets me closer to the root of the problem.

Why not just analyze? Because when I'm emotional I don't analyze things very well. I'm in an emotional place-- "focus on what makes you sad rather than on being angry" is an emotional message that I can make work for me.

You can also try writing down your emotions-- many people with autism find it easier to write a careful letter explaining their feelings, give the other person a chance to respond in writing if they like, and then have a conversation based on that.

Keep working at it-- it's a tough effort, but you will be grateful you made it.

I'm not exactly sure what you're asking -- more detail or context would be really helpful. I will say this, though. The two words I heard most frequently as a kid were "selfish" and "self-centered." And I'm going to tell you something (and you can relay this to your parents): it still hurts 30 years later. Thinking of myself that way played a huge part in ruining my self-esteem. Hopefully not for life, but so far... And responding to those comments with excuses like "I just didn't know, I wasn't even paying attention" just reinforces the idea in parents and others. The "I didn't mean it" response doesn't work very well because it's accepted as further evidence that you're self-centered. I would say that the best thing you can do is to find a way to get your parents to understand that when you're in your "self centered" little world, you're just doing what you were programmed to do. (You could say that you're just being the person their genes created, but that would be a little harsh. I would have loved to have said that to my parents on occasion, though!) Tell them you're working on ways to interact with them more successfully (like asking for advice here), but that they have to meet you halfway on this.

I will try to to give you a more detailed context. I was sitting down having our evening meal with all the family. ( I am home educated) and I went and got myself a drink/yogurt (can't remember, different memories merging together) and I got myself a drink. it did not occur to me that it is considered selfish not to get the others a yogurt/drink. I can't quite remember all of the meal but at the end, Dad said how I was exaggerating the symptoms of Dyspraxia a bit. (Walking int my brother by accident.) I bet you all know how annoying it is when a NT thinks they now how it feels. It was a bad day. But i did not tell him that. Anyway DAD (who i don't like at the moment because he is stressed and is not predictable) had a "go" at me with the others for over 5 minutes. I went up to my room and did not talk to them for the rest of the evening. I do this now rather than shouting because then I get shouted at for not getting enough control over my emotions. (The rest Of the time they complain about me not smiling) I then had to apologize for my behavior. I did not mean and that is why i dis not want to say it but they said (mum and dad) "have you got something to say". I am talking t them less and less now b3ecasue it is easier than trying to express myself. I've tried for over a year and what do I get...

James