Coming out of the closet [I need advice]

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Well.... i am a 16 year old girl and i am sure i am gay... i have a girlfriend and i am really in love with her. My mom has been really suspicious of our relationship and the other day i overheard a conversation with my aunt which i wasn't supposed to hear:
Aunt: "Is something bothering you? You seem kinda distracted..."
Mom:"Yeah... it's... well.... i'm just worried about Paola [that's me]"
A:"What about her?"
M:"Well... she's going out to a party... with Fernanda [my girl <3]"
A:"Fernanda? Well, they're friends.... Are you worried about alcohol or something like that?"
M:"No... it's just... well... i'm sure that's not 'just friendship'. I just know it... they are together, i mean, as a couple... i just am sure about it..."
A:"god.... and, did you ask her?"
M:"No... i just feel it in my gut.... i know their friendship is not just that..."
A:"But how?"
M:"I don't know, i just know it.... the way they look at each other... i don't know..."

then i couldn't hear anymore because i had to go somewhere else 'cause my phone started ringing....

my best friend told me that i should tell her now... but i am scared, mom's pretty homophobic... so i don't know anymore.... maybe i should tell her.... but i don't know how... i'm afraid of how she'll react.....

my question is: Should i tell her? and if i shall, how?
please help me out.... i'm really stressed out, i can't even sleep good....give me some advice, please

Yeow. That's a rough position to be in.

Would it be easier to talk with another adult first (like the aunt you mentioned? how does she feel about homosexuality?)?

Are there any LGBT groups in your area, like maybe at your school or a community center? If so, that would be a good place to start, also.

IMO, if your mom is that homophobic, you should find some kind of support before coming out. Sadly, people can react very badly to this kind of news.

Hope that helps. Take care, good luck to both you and your significant other.

Wish I could really help you, but good luck, so here just what I think I would do (not gay, so I admit never had to deal with such situation, so might not be the best person to listen to)

Do you think thing could degenerate to the point of been kicked out of the house ? If not I would, just be direct and not go with an extended discussion about it if she doesn't stay calm the moment you announce. If she doesn't stay calm I would head outside for a few until she calm down. Having your girlfriend along could be something to help you have more confidence in yourself, but could also increase the reaction of your mother, so up to you on that choice depending on what you consider to be the most important support or possibly calmer coming out.


If you think she could kick you out of her house, does your girlfriend already made her coming out ? If yes, I would try to discuss about it with her. If not I prefer not to speak about such thing for fear of suggesting something that might actually hurt the situation with your mother.

My sister came out by walking around in a shirt that said "Nobody Knows I'm a Lesbian" for a week.

But my parents aren't homophobic.

I guess I would first have a backup plan in case things don't go well, like a place to stay or something.

I'd also have the number of some support groups on hand...you might try speaking to one of their counselors first.

Your mum will love you for who you are, and if she doesn't, you don't want her around.

Come out to her as easy as you can. Maybe do it with your girlfriend there for support.

There's nothing wrong with being gay.

You'll have to tell her anyway, and you're asking here, which is a sign that you want to hear these words.

I disagree completely. This person has the power to kick you out of the house, and you probably have to rely on them a lot. It's much safer to wait until you are more independent.

They're your mother, they won't do that. They love you. I bet they already know deep down that you're gay.

It's better than living a lie.

No. Your description isn't that of the living at all, it isn't life. In life that doesn't always happen, and it's best to be on the safe side until you <i>do</i> have more control in your life to divulge such information.

This person is losing sleep and is stressed out over this burden, they need to expel it.

Like I said, this could go either way.

You should definitely talk to someone else (an adult, if possible) you can trust first. He/she will probably be better able to assess your particular situation.

If it happens that keeping quiet for the next 2 years is the safer route...well, it sucks, but life is like that sometimes. If your mom can't handle/accept this, then she could react in the worst way possible (like buryuntime said). You don't need that now...unless, of course, you could find somewhere else to live in the event that did happen.

Wish I could be of more help. Again, good luck. Please let us know what you decide to do and how it goes.

Take care.

Just to clarify, I identify myself as gay, have came out to my parents and came out to one or two teachers. First thing I can say, before anything else, when you're coming out - don't mention that you've got a girlfriend. Not yet, anyway. One piece of shocking news is enough, a second piece might cause your parents to have a heart attack (not literally, but they will be highly likely less than pleased in most circumstances). Another thing to prepare for is always, always being told "It's just a phase!". These are, ofcourse, just my circumstances anyway. Yours may be completely and utterly different.

Now, for the Advice: Study up as much as you can about LGBT topics, preferably join a few forums (e.g. The GYC. Only do so if there is no chance of your parents finding out!) and (if you want to) create a log of your progress. Two such posts of my "log", so to speak, can be found here and here. Read comments and, eventually, decide for yourself. If you decide to go through with this, view my guide here for further instruction.

Just let it all come out. You have nothing to lose.

I mean come on.. you have autism.

People aren't scared of Autism to the point where they kick Autistic people out of their house or threaten to kill them... If they did, I'm sure there'd be alot said as far as human rights are concerned... Not to mention, there is alot of protection and help for Autism - compared to very few for gays. Need I go on?

For example, I'm well supervised at school at the moment and have no hassle whatsoever. If I were to come out at school (assuming I hadn't planned it out whatsoever), however, I'm almost certain that all of my other friends would avoid me like the plague - siding with my few homophobic friends. In comparison to telling parents, there have been tonnes of people kicked out by their parents due to extreme homophobia.

On the otherhand, I can't for the heck of me understand how someone can actually gain a same-sex partner as a teenager in this day and age...

Hi hon,

Yep, I feel your worry. I was around your age when I realised I was bisexual. I mean I had never been with a man or woman as I developed pretty late, but I was insightful enough to know where my orientation lay.

I did not say anything to my parents as I come from a bit of "old school" even though my parents probably would have adjusted, but having a relationship with anybody at the time was out of the question. Suffice to say I got kicked out of home at 16 for reasons other than what we are discussing. My relationship with my mother was volatile to say the least.

That is not for you. I would not wish what I went through on my worst enemy. I would not like to see you come to an impasse with your mother over this or anything else for that matter. There are only 2 choices that I can see.

1. you tell her, or

2. You keep it to yourself, pursue this relationship with your friend and learn all that you can learn about how to deal with this emotionally. The more info you have, the more empowered you will feel. Someone mentioned a LGBTQ (? right letters?) group near you. They will be able to best support you on this journey. Just remember, that you are not alone and there are many other teenagers out there dealing with the same kind of issues you are. Gosh, there are adults out there dealing with the same issues! You are very brave and insightful for identifying at such a young age, who you are to some degree and what you want. That is very admirable.

Take very good care of your precious self, and let us know how you are going.

Mics

To clarify, the full abbreviation (as far as I know) is LGBTQQUAAIP (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transsexual, Queer, Questioning, Undefined, Asexual, Allies, Intersexed and Pansexual) - however, 9 times out of 10 it is shortened to LGBT or LGBTQ.

*tries hardest to stop posting knowledge on this intrapersonal interest*

If you need any more factual information, feel free to ask. Until then, it is perhaps best if i take a backseat role in this just to stop me posting. I also suggest you look at Scarleteen if you seek and further facts.

Hmm. Didn't know that.

Anyway, if you feel you really need to come out soon, then you should. You should be prepared for both the best and the worst, and be ready for screaming, questions, crying, etc. However, if your mom is homophobic, you need to consider the consequences if the worst should happen. If your gf is out of the closet, maybe you could stay with her family for a while if you get kicked out. Even if your mom does kick you out, she may take you back after she's calmed down.