If only I could die

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My name is David. I'm 15 years old and no matter how hard I try I can't escape myself. How I act is a circle. I end up cutting, I'm happy for a while. My pain gets worse and worse. I cut. Cycle repeats. I'm so close to cutting, I can't escape myself. I used to cut all the time, I stopped and only do it when the build up gets to it's worst. Sometimes I don't even feel like I'm me. I feel like someone else right now, a hollow man just typing something, manipulated by a puppeteer. The more I live the more I want to die. I'm also someone else at school, someone who's happy and even a bit cruel to some people. I bully to try and run from my pain. I also joke about sex. Which is how I lost my friend along with her cutting when I tried to stop her, I tried my best. She meant so much to me and I lost her. My friends don't understand, my best mate is there but I don't have friends who truly understand what I'm going through, you'd have to live through self harm to understand it. I don't even know why I'm posting here, I feel pathetic. I guess I'm just hoping that the saying is true. A problem shared is a problem halved. Sure it won't be half but I want some help, any at all. Also no, don't suggest proffessional help. I'm not going to my school counselor. When I lost Lisa she lied to me.
"Lisa just wants support from her family". I know she meant well but all that tact made it a lie now all I can think about her is
"What's the truth and what else did she lie to me about?". I can't go back. I can't move forward. The only way to remove my pain is at school where I act like someone else and bully and forget everything, but I can't. Schools out for another 5 weeks. I want to die, the thing keeping me here most is fear. Fear of what's on the other side, fear of hurting those I care about. I'm full of fear, I'm weak. I admit it. Too week to move on, too week to die.

As I will say to anyone with a problem like yours, stop the act. Become yourself. You need to come to terms with who you are before you can be happy. Stop viewing things as failures, view them as steps forward. Be positive. If people don't like you for you, that's tough for them. You are fifteen years old and you've made it this far. You have so much to live for. Don't quit now. If you need friendship, you have this forum. Hell, I'll be your friend if you want.

But let me tell you. You are not weak, that fear your talking about? That's strength. That's your drive to keep going, your will pushing you forward, the strength that makes you stand.

As for a fulfilling yourself, I suggest exploring your talents. I find playing a musical instrument to be fulfilling. You could try that, for example.

Hopefully I helped. D: Do your best to keep living though.

I know what it's like to pretend to be someone you're not. When i was around your age i was trying my hardest to fit in, but the cost was that i lost myself. When i looked in the mirror, i couldn't recognize myself. So, one day, i couldn't take it anymore and i just decided to be me. I've continued on that path and now thinks are much better.
You have to drop the act, be yourself. Some people may give you crap for it, but you don't live for them. Remember this: NTs have a pack mentallity and do whatever the group says. But we, we're free. It's because we're free from social constructs that so many of us have gone to history.

Have you ever been tested for borderline personality disorder? Not saying you have it, but your post tells me that you should look it up and see if it fits you.

But either way, you do need to get professional help. You can't reject it forever if you want to live a normal sane life.

"Special interests" can occupy hours of time during which the rest of the world is deemed trivial/trite. I can't be depressed if I'm spending hours working on whatever. However, wikipedia says: "As a clinical symptom in depression, anhedonia rates highly in making a diagnosis of this disorder. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) describes a 'lack of interest or pleasure' but these can be hard to tell apart given that people become less interested in things which do not give them pleasure.", so that may be a debatable route...



I agree completely given that I know people with borderline. Very similar to what you describe. Try looking for DBT resources online.



Rumor has it on the interweb that cannabis may act as a good mood stabilizer (compared to lithium). However, I imagine it'd also be possible for it to increase the likelihood of you making a bad choice, so idk if you should take that route seriously. I wouldn't advise you buy traditional mood stabilizers over the internet (online-pharmacies), as normally doctors would test your kidney function before giving you them.

Better than being dead. :\

With the BPD disorder this is what I'm picking up. Well the black and white thinking in some areas is me. Good looking or ugly, strong or weak, powerful or defenseless etc. Self destructive thoughts and also personality fragmentation somewhat. I don't have multiple personality disorder but I do have 2 different personalities, when I'm happy I am Zeek, carefree and great. Confident. When depressed I am David, he's nothing compared to Zeek.

"They tend to view the world generally as dangerous and malevolent, and tend to view themselves as powerless, vulnerable, unacceptable and unsure in self-identity." A lot like me too.

"Individuals with BPD are often described, including by some mental health professionals (and in the DSM-IV),[14] as deliberately manipulative or difficult, but analysis and findings generally trace behaviors to inner pain and turmoil, powerlessness and defensive reactions, or limited coping and communication skills.[15][16][n 4] There has been limited research on family members' understanding of borderline personality disorder and the extent of burden or negative emotion experienced or expressed by family members".
I'm not manipulative often and try and be open. Well that's what I tell everyone. I'm so open nobody thinks that I could have anything to hide when in reality I tell people personal stuff I don't care about so they won't ask about what I do care about. Even if I tell them they never seem able to work out what I wouldn't want to say.
Stress I definately have but I think that's with good reason, and obviously I self harm as I've said.

"Ongoing family interactions and associated vulnerabilities can lead to self-destructive behavior.".
That would be my mother, I hate her but have to see her sometimes which tears me apart, I did drugs without even thinking once when I was there because I was offered, probably because of her.

Well there's my comments on the BPD.

I'd also like to make it clear I'm not pretending for others, I came out of the closet as bisexual to my school a few months ago. I do it for myself because when I pretend I'm someone else I forget all my problems, all my pain and just live in that euphoric state.

Last night I cut myself. It's been 1 month and 26 days since my last cut. I should go back on St John's Wort but I don't want to. I don't want crutches in life. I want to be able to face my problems and deal with them, without using medication. Why must it be so hard?

Zeek, taking something that helps is not a crutch. My son has epilepsy, if he did not take his meds he would not have lived this long. You are not responsible for the chemical make up of your brain. You are not responsible for your condition. You have to try and find a solution that helps. We all know that high school sucks. Everyone is pretending there. I was a cheerleader, popular and everyone thought I was happy go lucky but I wasn't. I hated high school, I suffered from depression. I was always putting on a show so people thought I was cool....all that crap. I did not learn how to be myself until I got out of high school and stopped trying to be someone else. Hang in there. Take meds if it helps. What is dangerous is your self talk. If you keeps saying "I need to cut"....then you will need to....you need to change your internal talk so whenever you even start the very first thought.....I feel ________ therefore I am going to do _______.....you can change this dialog. Say I feel frustrated therefore I am going to do 5 push ups or anything other than going down the normal path that leads to cutting.

I suffer from depression and anxiety. I got some DVDs from midwest center for D&A and found that my self talk was really distructive. I would start out with a simple, dropped a glass and broke it....then I am clumsy.....then I am an idiot....then I hate myself and so on. Now that I know this is the path I change it.....dropped a glass.....oh well it was just a glass....not the end of the world....

See the difference. It is all how you see the situation. You can change the way you see and respond. First write down every time your thoughts get triggered. As soon as it happens. Then trace it back to what happened and what you said to yourself when it happened. Then think of another way to look at it. Remember it and the next time it happens use the thought that you have already decided to use. It really has worked for me. Good luck, I know you can do this. Be your own best friend and say nice things about YOU!! !!

Back on the St John's Wort. A mix between feeling dead inside and almost going back to bulimia scared me into it. I'm happier now, moods are back up. Normally my self talks are "Doesn't matter". A glass is just a glass. It's just when I feel like I'm drowning in pain or feel dead inside that I feel I need to cut, to distract myself from the pain/help me feel alive again.

I would loathe to be in your predicament. I suggest meeting with a counsellor and discussing the dilemma. Perhaps he/she may be able to recommend medication that you take.

Helixstein I can't go to the counselor. I have medication and I don't trust the counselor, she lied to me once but overtacting things now I can't trust her.

Zeek i know you said you cant talk to your counseler as you dont trust her. I understand what your going through as i often have these thoughts. I have seen tones and tones of professinals and finaly after years of being dragged around to strangers i have found the right proffesional to help me. See if your parents can get you someone else, mine knew that it wasnt working for me and spent alot of there time helping me to find the right person. maybe yours will do that too if you talk to them? Sometimes i find it somewhat embarresing to talk to my mum about these things (shes the one i trust with all my personal thoughts) so if i find i cant talk to her i write her a letter. I also hate taking my medication too and even though i hate to admit it, it helps me. I Still feel like crap with it but when i dont have it it is way worse and i dont no what stupid things i would do if i wasnt on it. Hope this helps.

Well, please do not kill yourself, at least. If you do, I have lost a potential friend.

Don't worry Helix, my meds are kicking in. I don't self harm, sometimes I feel mentally tormented but it's a lot rarer than when I'm off them. Also feel like I connect with dark themes and have inner darkness but I can also be happy go lucky (yes I know they conflict). And I'd never commit suicide, when depressed I just self harm, masturbate and hit on girls to distract myself.

I cut myself a few days ago with razor knife and it did more than I eexpected. I had been using a small pocket knife before that wasn't quite as sharp. Any death would be freedom for me. I just don't want to be in a lot of pain before I die. My memorie's so bad that I'd never remember to ask for help anyway and besides I'd likely be tortured by tasers and who knows what else. Any way when I do something someone doesn't like I feel pain inside that seems to be more than I can bear. I've even cried once. That's when I do it. I can't seem to stop myself as if there's something evil control. The sooner I die the better. The best part is that nobody would miss me if I died. Certianly nobody here.

Last edited by Brianm on 23 Jan 2011, 3:48 am, edited 1 time in total.