IceCreamGirl wrote:
Do you enjoy socializing. I sometimes enjoy it. It depends on my mood.
I feel like that.
With my moods, sometimes I really, really don't want to. I mean, I like the
idea of socialising, and I even like talking to certain people from time to time. In school that is, I'm usually too exhausted from the week to do anything much after school and I need at least some time to stim in school.
Sometimes, I feel bad because I know I should be socialising with my friends and, yet, I feel worse if I do and tend to avoid it. I feel like I've lost one of my closer friends because she wanted to add more people to our friendship group and I wasn't comfortable around them. But, since I have physical scars from one of them, I don't think that's too ridiculous. Really, the distance was created by me because I felt that I was dragging her down. So, I let her go. I have other friends.
I feel like I should talk more, and then feel bad about not feeling sociable and which makes me even more anxious about the whole affair and unable to converse. I usually try to engage in my special interest at those times. My social skills aren't that bad, until I try to talk to someone.
I'm no good at small talk. Awful, in fact and most of my conversations with my friends are intellectual. One thing I find bizzare is that more people refer to me as a friend than I do them. I have a few friends and a bunch of people I'm obligated to talk to. My idea of socialising seems to differ from that of the mainstream. On a particually conversational day, I consider 5 - 10 minutes suffice, maybe a bit more if it's particually indepth (usually about school or books).
If it's someone else's conversation, provided it isn't too boring, I like to listen it. I think I'm supposed to contribute, but I prefer to just listen and then leave when I feel like it. My friends have become accustomed to me leaving mid-conversation, now.
When I talk to people I don't know (on the occassions I'm feeling more 'chatty' and realise my mother won't be too happy if I haven't even tried) I seem to have a stutter and when I'm trying to keep the conversation up it's very much question and answer and I feel like they're bored. I'm quite paranoid (and have been called up on it) about people being bored or having misunderstood me, so maybe it's just in my head because people have told me that they're actually interested when I've thought they were falling asleep on me. Or maybe they were being polite.
Also, I ramble a lot, which doesn't help; I seem to either talk too much or too little. Usually in the form of periods of minimal speech followed by a random outburts before returning to being quiet.
I haven't felt very sociable since well before September, although, I did have a reasonable sociable couple of months last year. By my standards. Which isn't very sociable at all.