How do you know if your friends actually like you?

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I made a few new friends at the start of our school year and we've been hanging out about every day(so it's been a few months.) We don't have a lot of interests in common, but they're really nice so we hang out anyway and lots of times we speak of what we do. Most of the time it's boring for me, but I listen because I like them. I make sure to listen to them all the time. However sometimes I just really want to discuss politics and since they're my friends, I figure they'd listen a little. Sometimes they'll talk about it with me for a few minutes (five or less) but we never go in depth and they seem to get really annoyed when I bring it up. But I thought that since we were friends, we should listen to each other even if we're not really interested since we care about each other. Is this line of thinking wrong?

Sometimes they get really irritated with me, too, but I'm not sure why. I act the same most of the time, but one day they'll say I'm annoying and another day when I say/do the exact same thing, they seem not to mind. When I do act differently (when I'm really sad or upset), they don't notice. Sometimes they say I can feel free to talk to them when I have a problem, but when I do I think they're only half-listening or not listening at all. Do these things mean they don't like me?

I know these seem like things I should know by now, but until now I've only had two really close friends I hang out in school with, and they view my idiosyncrasies as normal and we have a straightforward relationship where I tell them to tell me if I say/do something they don't like, and I'm used to that. So, I'm not sure how others think. Any help is appreciated.

They sound pretty normal. Most people want to have casual light-hearted conversations and small talk but don't usually want to get into more serious topics (eg politics, religion) for fear of starting an argument. As for why they react differently to you at different times, there is probably something about the context that you're missing. I can't say what without being there but if your actions are the same it must be the context (including the "mood of the room") since the context is constantly changing.
I would advise you to consider these people more of acquaintances than friends since you haven't known each other long and they seem pretty casual and you don't want to get too invested. Just have fun hanging out and chatting about casual topics. Trying to promote anything deeper can potentially isolate some people, it depends, but its tough to say how you can tell


As for myself, how do I know if people like me? Well, personally, I don't like to have acquaintances. I either have someone I care very deeply for or I have nothing. To determine if that person cares as deeply for me, I usually weigh the amount of sacrifice they're willing to put into the relationship - not that I ever ask for much.. but just if they are there to help me or only show up when they have a problem they need me to help, etc. Usually, I assume people don't care for me much and I'm not usually disappointed unless I start expecting them to act like they do care for me.

*edited for grammar and spelling errors ><*

Last edited by myth on 13 Jan 2012, 7:49 am, edited 1 time in total.

I simply assume they don't.

In your case, these friends seem to be more the type you can casually chat to rather than the type you can trust to help with all your problems or whatever. Still nice to have, of course, but don't get too carried away.

How do I know if they actually like me? Well, if they respect my wishes, for one, and if they slightly alter their behavior if they know something bothers me (Like cursing; They don't have to stop it completely, but trying to limit it is nice), then that's nice too.

I don't have many friends that actually like me. One does, but a lot of the conversations I have with him are boring because they're about what he likes. However, he's capable of talking about serious things as long as I keep him on the subject. He has ADHD, so... I'd prefer it if I didn't have acquaintances, and just had close(r) friends.

I never gave much thought to whether my friends like me. My advice is to accept the relationship for what it is and don't try reading too much (or too little) into it. Your answer will come in time.

I don't.

I ask for reassurance all the time. They put up with it though, so I guess they must like me...

When they're as sick-minded as I am. ^-^ (not really)

Take my pal Alexxis, for example. She says the funniest things to me, but once she passed a note to me saying how much she really appreciated having her in her life, and on her color data-base I was green (Which stands for optimism, positivity, and quirkyness).

When they tell you things they don't tell other people.

(unless, of course, they're just making up a load of crap. But if that's the case, you'll know eventually.)

Basically, friends are people who are left at the end, if that makes sense. Your friends are the people who after everything is done, are still with you, regardless of what you do, how you act, your weirdness, etc.

Honestly, though this could be a bit blunt, it kinda sounds to me your friends sorta have you around out of sympathy. I feel like that's what happened with my friend who seems to no longer be my friend now. He ended up sticking around me without actually wanting to, I guess sort of out of a sense of obligation. He was one of the people others would describe as a "good listener," that sorta thing. It's only recently that it's occurred to me that he didn't actually appreciate me, but was more doing it out of a sense of obligation, and saw hanging out with me as more of a "chore."

As for how you know, time, really. Time will unravel everything, and show you who's truly your friend, truly cares about you, and who doesn't.

As for what I said about your friends possibly just sympathizing with you, I mean, definitely consider the idea, but don't become hyper-suspicious of your friends, just keep in the back of your mind that they could just be entirely your friend out of a sense of sympathy.

Also, girls are kinda notorious for being vicious and socially manipulative and all that. They really like talking bad about other people behind their backs, rather than outright confrontation like men do. Men generally go more "I don't like you, I don't like your face, goodbye" whereas girls do this weird thing where they pretend to all be friends with eachother and secretly talk badly about other girls and it turns into a big rumor mill. Obviously guys do this to a small extent, but I feel like with girls, it's like many times exponentially worse.

But yeah, to me, it sounds like they're sorta including you just for the sake of including you, unless you can really figure out your reason WHY you're in the group, what they want out of you, etc. This isn't necessarily terrible, but it's sorta unfulfilling for the reasons you stated, as either you or them aren't going to care at all what's being talked about. So, over time, either you'll drift away from the whole group for not relating to them, or they'll drift away from you. OR, over time, the opposite will occur, some common ground will be found, and you might become more closer friends with just one or two of the girls from the large group, and you might have more of a "real" friendship.

Longwinded post, but I hope that clarifies things. I wish I could be less cynical, but unfortunately it seems reality is pretty cynical. Good luck.

I really have a problem with knowing this, too. I usually assume they think of me neutrally.
This was always on my mind a year or so ago, but now I don't really think of it much.

Well, judging from the goodbye messages that were written onto my shirt by many of my peers, at the inaugural Year 11 shirt signing on the last day of my Secondary school life, I know that they do; the overwhelming majority said something along the lines of, "You are one of the nicest people I've ever met. Don't change."

...just to think that I was oblivious to other people's opinions of me.

I live in constant fear of my friends' (and sometimes even my family's) insincerity. I just try to remember that most people are simply too lazy to go around perpetuating a complete lie for an extended period of time.

If they want to continue hanging out, that's usually a good indication that they'll stay. At least that's how it works in my experience.

I think what is needed is to do an analysis of their responses...tension on a constant basis means it like is out of sympathy.

I am only able to bond with thsoe that share similar interests to me, so they may be just waiting until you find people that think similarly.

I'd hope that they do, but I'd assume that they don't. I don't have friends (as in we see each other at school, we hang out, etc.). However, unless long distance friendships count, then I have two.