Starting over with 22 year old son

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I am asking for help as a mother trying to reconnect with my son. I decided to come to this blog because I believe those of his generation may provide me with the best insight.
First, my son has never been formally diagnosed. He was diagnosed with a mild to moderate hearing loss in both ears at the age of 4, set up with hearing aids and speech therapy, and that is all the school ever wanted to deal with. But many of his traits, difficulty in making eye contact, difficulty in understanding the give and take of dialogue, no friends throughout high school, reluctance to change routine, etc, etc. etc. put him on the spectrum.

He has finished two years (for the most part successfully) at a community college, and is now in his second year at a larger university. He could not handle the roommate and confined quarters, so his father and I set him up in an efficiency apartment instead of paying room and board to the school. The spring semester, he made one C and the rest were D's. I know he is disappointed in his lack of success, but he will not consider taking a break or even dropping to parttime. This summer he is holed up in his apartment, playing video games and watching sports on TV. His hygiene and housecleaning are non existant (I take the blame here because I did not realize I had to remind him of the one and teach him how to do the other-I thought he was just a lazy teen).

I am about to make a visit after reading reams of books on AS, and I want to help him find his way. I should mention that we found a description of AS when he was a junior in high school, and he recognized himself immediately. He even shared his self discovery with his math instructor. But again, the school would not help me with special accomodations unless I had a doctor's diagonosis, and in backwoods Wyoming, that was not going to happen.

So, how do I best step into a role of helping him with organization skills, money management, housekeeping and cooking and eventually job searches, without having him close me out again and retreating into his self imposed isolation?

Ask him if he wants to learn how to clean the floor, you can teach him, and show him step by step. Ask him if he wants to learn how to do little things like that, and be there with him to make sure he understands and learns, if he wants that. Be there for him, don't push him. If you call him and he doesn't answer, write a text message describing what you wanted to talk to him about, then give him some time before you try to call him again. If he still don't answer, write another text asking if he can call you when he get a chance.

Don't push him, and don't blame him for his need to be alone. Keep offering to help, even if he declines help, but don't push. Walk the road with him, not behind him with a firm hand at his back, walk beside him. Sit down with him and pay bills with him, not for him. Teach him the little things, details matter. Many on the spectrum is comfortable with schedules, but studies show they have to actually make the schedule themselves. Schedules others have made for them are not the way to go. Sit down with him and recommend what he could write on a schedule, but let him make it, and edit it as he like.

Job search could be a though one. The interview is the hardest part for most, since avoiding eyecontact could be interpreted as lying/hiding the truth. A job where he doesn't have to socialize too much might be best, and a job where there is a possibility for taking lunchbreaks alone(not being forced to socialize on breaks).

If it's Asperger's, then the statistics say that many with Asperger's get higher education, but few of them actually use it in their jobs. Many end up in jobs they are overqualified for, and often sits there with school loans and a degree they never use. Statistics say many does well enough in school, well enough to get through it, but lacks the social skills to navigate in the work environment. So perhaps him finishing school is not the best option, but I won't pretend to know if it's the best call in your case.

The most important thing is; Don't push him, then he will most likely retreat back into self imposed isolation. And don't judge him for the lack of skills you mentioned.

Thank you for your keen observations. I have been using the call, text strategy. I ask if he can call me, and usually he will tell me when he can call. That has been working well -- much better than what I imagine seemed like ambushes to him when I called out of the blue.

I will definitely work with him, beside not pushing, on the other issues. I do believe that will be a good method.

I understand the stats about aspies and college degrees. But right now I get the impression that he will view going to half time or dropping out as failure or as proof that he is stupid--a label that can really set him off. Even though his father and I would support him on that decision should he choose to make it. He is raking up college debt, and that worries me.

We want him to live a comfortable, happy life, and are willing to accept that it may be very different in manifestation than what we might perceive to be comfortable and happy. If the job market was not so grim right now, I think we could be more positive.

Here is my story when it comes to school/work/dept; I got a bachelor degree in computer programming, I struggled and needed 2 extra years (3y education took me 5y) to complete due to lots of personal stress(girl trouble and family trouble/sickness). I've endured the workforce for 4 years total, but not jobs relevant to my degree. I now have ~35 000 USD in dept because of it. As it looks now, I won't be using my degree at all.

I'm not saying thats how it will turn out for your son, but perhaps a break from school, if thats at all possible, to try some work practise somewhere relevant to his education will shed light on things. Will he be able to function in a work environment? Will it work socially? Can he enduring a full workday? Things like that could be useful to know before he completes an education.

I completed the education to secure my future, and because it would suck to have wasted those years with nothing to show for it. As it turned out, in retrospect, it did not secure my future, nor did it make those years less wasted, infact I wasted additionally 2 years.

I got another idea that might get you closer to your son, instead of just phonecalls and textmessages, try to use emails aswell. He is into computers / videogames it seems, so expressing himself by writing on a keyboard will most likely be alot easier for him than getting relevant information across in an eye-to-eye conversation.

Blown mind wrote:
I got another idea that might get you closer to your son, instead of just phonecalls and textmessages, try to use emails aswell. He is into computers / videogames it seems, so expressing himself by writing on a keyboard will most likely be alot easier for him than getting relevant information across in an eye-to-eye conversation.


You would think the emailing would work, but actually, he does not prefer it. I hope to introduce him to this website in hopes that he will feel some sense of community. Or, he might find postings such as yours that can help him see that the college road is a dead end. Which it can be for NT's as well, since the employment need is for trade trained currently.

I thought if I could get him to test the waters of employment, he might find something he likes better than school.
Thanks for sharing. You have given me lots to think about.

Have you tried Skype or playing some of the games he likes?
I will say I'm in school and work part time. I live at home though. Also what were his entrance scores to college, I know over here depending on the score the school recommends some counseling(I'm not sure if they can give diagnosis but the counselors can help).
What is he studying

Keniichi wrote:

Have you tried Skype or playing some of the games he likes?
I will say I'm in school and work part time. I live at home though. Also what were his entrance scores to college, I know over here depending on the score the school recommends some counseling(I'm not sure if they can give diagnosis but the counselors can help).
What is he studying?

He is a history major. He thought he wanted to teach, but has backed out of that. You are doing exceedingly well if you are in school and working. Your parents must be very supportive and proud. He is at Black Hill State in South Dakota. He went in as a transfer student from a junior college, so his ACT scores were not the deciding factor there.