Other teens are scared of me because of my past?

Post Reply New Topic

This is going to be long.
I'm 16 years old and from an island in Canada where very little and very useless treatment is offered to anybody dealing with mental health issues.
I grew up with both of my parents as unstable people, mental health wise and relationship wise. My father lived with us up until recently, but he was never a dad. He didn't have a whole lot to do with me or my younger brother, other than yell at us whenever we crossed his path. He drank a lot, was emotionally abusive and cheated on my mother several times but she stayed with him believing he would change. He never did. I'll get more into this part later.
I have Aspergers Syndrome, which some of you may argue the point that it is no longer called that, but rather plain old Autism Spectrum Disorder. I was diagnosed when I was 11 which is still a little late to be diagnosed because my parents didn't really believe that I needed testing although I had been referred to a children's hospital at 4 or 5, and throughout the years since 2011, I have been tossed back and forth to different doctors who all believed something different. This didn't bother me at first, but eventually I began to feel like one of those travelling museum exhibits.
I was bullied relentlessly as a child. I'm not talking the normal name calling, I'm talking death threats, knife threats, coming home everyday with several new bruises. Two boys tried to jump on top of me and strangle me, where as two girls were also caught plotting to kill me.
Elementary and Middle school ended, the bullying stopped, puberty hit me like a bus and at this point in time during Junior High I got very attractive and became extremely popular at school, although mostly due to being a bit off an ass and acting out in class to make everybody laugh, resulting in me being sent to the office at least 4 times a school day. I always hung out with the other popular kids in the back of the classroom, I fit in great. My family was very well off, wealth wise, at the time, despite the rocky relationship my parents maintained.
At 12, I began self harming. Though this is not my earliest memory of self harm, it is the earliest that I can remember doing it on purpose, knowing that I was indeed self harming. It was not really known that I had this problem, I hid it well throughout the seventh grade. It was not very frequent, it started out being a coping mechanism whenever an upsetting event happened or whenever I had an overly bad day. So, on average, once every few months. Throughout seventh grade I hung out with a girl and her boyfriend everyday after school who both had plenty of access to alcohol and would have sexual intercourse in front of me. This girl was really a bully who played off as my friend for several years. I remained her friend because she had threatened several times that if I left her, she would make my life living hell, more so than she already did.
A few days after my 13th birthday in August 2013, one of my best friends convinced me into having sexual relations with him. I consented. This lasted for a few days before school started and after the school year began, he didn't talk to me normally again until February 2014, we became best friends again.
After the initial sexual event happened and he stopped talking to me, I became severely depressed and was diagnosed with depression I would estimate less than two weeks after it happened, I didn't tell my mother until years later, but both parents noticed I had changed dramatically in such a short time. More hospital visits. Self harm was now an every day thing, I was coming home from school everyday and hurting myself in different ways, it wasn't even a coping mechanism anymore, I began doing it just because I liked it. Once I was caught at home, I began bringing blades to school to resume in the public bathroom. After I made such a big mess one day that I couldn't clean it myself, I had to go get help and fess up, I was suspended for 2 weeks because the school decided they couldn't keep me safe anymore. Today, My body is nothing but a giant scar, really. Many of them have faded but it still doesn't stop people from staring and kids from pointing. This was around the time when I first heard talk of my possible Borderline Personality disorder, but at this point they declared me too young to officially diagnose, only being 13 and all.
In January 2014, I was admitted as an inpatient at the psychiatric ward at the only children's hospital in my province, I was released after a month because I was apparently too much to handle and they didn't know what to do with me. I managed to pass eighth grade although ghosting school most days, starting around late April. That summer was really rough, and my 'friends' gave me a rough time all summer, but again, I didn't leave them. I always felt that if I did, I would have nobody. I started ninth grade, and made it to around mid-October or early November before dropping out again for 3 months. I came back in February 2015 for a week. My Dad also lost his job around this time and we suddenly had no money at all and I had to adjust to my new, lesser, lifestyle. A new girl had arrived while I was gone in early January and had literally taken all of my friends from me, she wasn't a nice girl and when she realized that I had been there first, she began doing everything she could to turn them against me. Eventually, they saw her for what she really was, but I was still being ignored. I was lonely and ended back up in the psych only to be told they still couldn't help as I was too severe. I attempted suicide as soon as I was released. This would be one of many attempts over the course of this year. In total I have attempted suicide over 10 times since I was 13. The self harm stopped and at one point, I had made it a whole year without it before relapsing and being brought to the hospital. In February 2016, I met some new friends and a boy (who I dated very soon after) from a nearby town about an hour away. I was so happy to have these friends, I thought they were so cool and funny and great, and I would literally beg my mother to take me to their town often to visit them. I fell in love with the boy, but he eventually decided he did not really have feelings for me and although he thought I had a great personality, he claims to have not been physically attracted to me, this knocked down my self esteem greatly. He began dating another girl from my town who is in most peoples opinion, much less attractive than I. And don't get me wrong, I am not a super attractive person in my opinion either, although most disagree with me on that (Thanks, grandma!), but a lot have people have told me I am unattractive as well, I'm typically a hit or miss to most people. He and I decided to remain friends. He was a great friend, more so than he was a significant other. I developed a drug problem and developed an addiction to Morphine as well as to Clonazepam, and previously Ativan and snorting Adderall before I had met them. Although I had experimented with drugs like Marijuana, Hash, and other similar things, my main abuse was to prescription drugs. I lost these friends one day when I was high out of my mind, and some how managed to tell my ex boyfriend that I still loved him and that the drugs were all because of him, none of which were true. He told me he was taking a break from me for a while, because 'seeing me sad was making him sad', he also said that we were still friends and that he would be here for me again at a later date. But then proceeded to block me on every social media that I could have contact to him on. I waited for months. He didn't come back. After awkwardly seeing him in the mall one day, I took it upon myself to apologize to him. He had also blocked my number and didn't reply. I forwarded the message to a friend who he was still available to, and she sent him the message for me. He blocked her. At this point I had stopped doing the drugs and regretted them completely. I apologized to one of his friends for what I had done and she forgave me and we are close again, but I found out from her that I had admitted to her that he no longer wanted anything to do with me.
In August, my dad officially moved out. He is now publicly dating the woman he cheated on my mother with. He has become infatuated with this woman and her daughter and has almost completely forgotten about me and my brother. Everytime I speak to him it usually results in a fight, whenever I try to make him see the truth, he likes to play the victim. This womans daughter is my age, and she sees my father more than I do and it isn't fair. I see my dad maybe twice a month and every time, she's there. I don't know where the hell he is half of the time, either.
Fast forward to current time, I decided to give public school another shot, my last completed grade being the eighth. I transferred schools to a town less than 20 minutes away, I have been placed in grade 10 instead of grade 11 with the other kids my age and it's terribly embarrassing. I am supposed to graduate next year, but I will not. I have never gotten good grades and I am still struggling. It isn't even October yet and I'm already considering dropping out again. I have only been there maybe 5 times at the most since September 3rd when it opened. Tomorrow, I will have been out for a full week. I was fairly excited about it at first, but as my life progressively got worse throughout these last few weeks, I no longer have the motivation to go at all. I get up in the morning, plan to get ready and arrive on time and have a great day, but as soon as I look in the mirror I cry and scream and get into a terrible fit because I believe I look so ugly that its irreparable, even when I use my makeup. I do not look like the other girls, I have a pink and blue pixie cut that has now grown out to an awkward length, I'm overweight and my face is just not pretty in my opinion, I struggle with acne and facial rashes. I feel that I am the ugliest person at my school. My school is not very big so therefore not very diverse, and I am the fattest there.
All of the friends I have back in my old school in the town I reside in, seem to have completely forgotten me. I have to message them first and most times I do not even receive an answer anymore. The friends I have at my school are not really friends that I feel I can talk to about this stuff, they're all innocent and it would push them away and they will be afraid of me and may label me as 'bad.' They aren't really real friends. All the people who really WERE here for me, are no longer. They don't care about me anymore and they're tired of me being sad all of the time. I haven't hung out with anybody since July. They don't tell me what is going on in their lives anymore. I sometimes only hear from them once a week and the conversations are short and awkward. Today, I found out that my 'best friend' has now got a job at the local grocery store and didn't inform me. I didn't know until my mother saw him working there today. I texted him this morning. No answer. I have not heard from him since saturday or sunday and I am beginning to have reason to believe if he was asked, I would no longer be in his list of best friends. Which is very upsetting to me because he has always meant so much to me, I've been in love with him since we were kids, but he just doesn't seem to have interest in communicating with me anymore. I miss him. It's like we don't even know each other although we had been bffs since we were 11. My other best friend whom our friendship goes all the way back to the fourth grade. We were never without each other. Over the summer, she has found a new friend who doesn't like me and refuses to let me hang with them. I feel excluded and every time I talk to her, her new best friend is always brought up in conversation, almost as if she has been trying to make me jealous on purpose. This girl is graduating this year so I have some hope that perhaps the friendship will not be long lived once she departs for uni, but none the less I am lonely. Nobody knows what to say to me anymore. Not even therapists. We only have 2 youth treatment centre group homes in the province, one of which I was turned down for due to me not being on drugs anymore, and the other has a 3 year waiting list, of which is pointless due to the fact that in 3 years, I will be 19 and too old to be there. Doctors are upset because there are youth in there who do not have such serious conditions as I, and they are taking up space. I have nobody. Nobody at all.