Help-How to not be miserable?

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I hate to be "that guy", posting a big long thing and asking for advice when I have no previous posts, but today I just must. I don't know what else to do.

A little background:

I am 17 years old and currently attend community college full time, studying chemistry. I am starting my third semester, entering organic chemistry in a few days, as well as biology and English 2. I had no formal education before I started college last year. When I was young no school could handle my behavior, so I was "homeschooled" for all but 7th and 8th grade, which consisted of me sitting around at home doing whatever I wanted(The quotes around homeschooling are only directed at my specific example, not at the community in general.).
This led me to many psychologists and psychiatrists, and many diagnoses, but the prevailing one was certainly Asperger's.

My passion is science(I had more direct, absolute, "aspie-typical" subsets of science I was interested in when I was younger.), I plan to obtain a Ph.D and become a researcher of some sort. I am currently working on a B.S. of chemistry.

I grew up completely alone, 100% isolated from people my own age. Since I never really went to school, I never had an opportunity to befriend others my own age at all. My only friend was a 30 year old man who took me fishing and herping(collecting and photographing reptiles and amphibians) and taught me about ecology, until I was 16. Then when I was 12 he moved away, and we have since drifted apart.


My parents are separated and I live with my mother and older brother(6 years older-he is currently going to college for science as well. will be leaving soon), my relationship with my father is extremely strained even though he and I got along when I was younger. I have a great relationship with my brother, we get along very well. Other than them, I only have one person, my friend Taylor(Not girlfriend, I'm gay.), who I rely on completely, problem is, she's gone away to college 2 hours away. We have an incredibly strong bond, and I share everything with her, but there's only so much one person can do.

I feel completely alone everyday, and I just feel like I can't experience joy without other people around. Nothing seems good when I'm alone, I've been alone my whole life. It seems like the best I can feel when alone is neutral.

This has led me over the past 2 years to basically become a functional alcoholic and daily Cannabis smoker. I have had at least a couple high alcohol(9.5% usually...) beers and plenty of Cannabis every night since I can remember. It was much, much worse when I was on probation and was drug tested(My legal run ins are another story-not pertinent to my current psychological condition.) and alcohol was the only option. I think I could probably count the nights I drank fewer than 10 shots on my hands in that whole year.

I am so miserable now that I hate school breaks. I can't wait to get back to working 10 hours a day on school work, it is better than this, but I can't seem to motivate myself to do that unless there are grades on the line.


The thing is, as much as it doesn't feel like it,I know that I am actually a really likeable guy. In the year I knew Taylor before she left, and since then as well, I have learned to muzzle many of the most obnoxious virtues of my Asperger's. Not that nobody liked me before then, or that I'm the average Joe now, but I feel reasonably confidant with my social abilities and nobody seems to hate me. I get along fine with people. My problems are situational rather than qualitative, or, they are caused by my current state of affairs rather than who I am.

Due to all of this, I have determined I have to get out of my house and go to a university and live in a dorm. This is what I want more than anything in the world. Since I've seen Taylor's dorm and met the people there, every time I even think about it, it feels like a knife through my heart.

So that's I'm doing, however I am not sure if I'll be accepted(Finances are not an issue, my father is paying for it.) because I ostensibly have no academic experience before last year. Though I have complete confidence in my abilities to preform now, I was super overwhelmed when I started school and got a C in chem and a C in English. This latest semester I took only one class so I could work, which was an awful decision. I thought I would be able to save and start a business, but I ended up burning all of the money on drugs. And I had to pull out of my math class, and caused my chemistry class to suffer. My boss put an incredible amount of pressure and responsibility on me, I started working for a aquarium store/installation company(My main aspie thing was fish. I now have an encyclopedic knowledge of information about fish, though it is of little significance to me these days.) as the second employee to the owner and his wife(Mind you, the second employee to a 25 year old company that was ridiculously busy). They needed me in the store 4 days a week, and really needed another person. I just crumbled under the pressure of that and school. I ended up quitting to the owner's wife's face near the end of the semester. Somehow I ended out the semester with a B.


Then I started studying for the SAT, and I immediately knew I had to learn A LOT of math. Math had vastly slowed me in chemistry, and I knew it was biting me now. It's not that I'm bad at math, or don't like math, I just haven't done it at all. I have a lot of catching up to do. So I worked, and worked, and worked. Vastly harder than I have on anything before, for the week prior I worked 12 hour days every single day. I started at 490, and got my score(on the official College Board SAT test, which is identical to the real deal) up to 710(Out of 800, if you don't know, that's quite good.), the day before the test. I took the test, got a 550(Slightly above average).. And between 500 and 600 on the others as well. I don't know how I did, but I did.

So, I'm applying to schools, but I don't know what my chances of acceptance are, which is eating me up. Regardless, I will go to one this fall or next spring semester, but I don't know how to handle the time now.

I think about suicide everyday, and just want to put myself into a medically induced coma. I can't stand the loneliness. Sometimes I sit down to work, and I just, simply cant. It doesn't even have to be hard, even the most mundane, easy crap. I get depressed and can't function. I don't know how I'll make out the year if I feel like this all the time. I don't know what to do. It's crippling loneliness, and the only thing that makes me feel better is alcohol. I drink and smoke, and I can just listen to music and be okay. I'm either with others, drinking and smoking, or miserable.

What do I do? What can I do? How can I get through the next 8-12 months? My life feels like a prison(Lol, and I've actually been locked up, it's better than this.). Please Help!

Okay well first off I just want to comment on your background. (don't take as criticism or insults I am just bored.)

1: okay you grew alone, and you can't experience joy without someone around? If you have a MP3 player or computer/laptop just play a video with commentary like science how, Total Biscuit, or something relevant to your interest. Make sure you actually like the commentary and is insightful (I watched some of Chuggaconroy and I ended up watching entire let's plays but when I actually paid attention or pondered about the actual content of the discussion I actually didn't like his videos and stopped) This might sound weird but enjoy your time alone because when I am forced in large social activities I don't become a disgusting troll who goes out of their way to be hated and booted because I had time to prepare by "self-loving". (I like being alone but that isn't relevant) Lastly, if you have lived most of your life alone then you must of developed or done activities you enjoy doing alone, like for me I like: playing video games, reading books, or organizing (if I am not in the mood to play or read)

2: feeling neutral (if we are thinking the same way) actually helps me evaluate or observe something without foggy lenses(well emotions-wise but I will still have biases regardless) so make use of "feeling neutral" if possible.

Maybe you can try to read a book called Mind over mood. It is a book on cognitive therapy, it can help improve your mood by the way you perceive situations or events. It gives you several examples of cognitive therapy in use and successes through out the book by using (I think) 4 cases through out the book as guides/ stories for exercises it offers. I am only got past chapter 1 but I am already enjoying it. Now you don't have to take this suggestion but it could help improve your mood overall and you might find some of the clients relatable. I haven't been able to relate to any of these clients or cases because I am perfect!

The book is only one Google away!

*rumble.. rumble.... Grunt....grunt* delete this please, silly website.

I want to first say that you sound like an amazing young man who is so smart!! I don't have ASD but, my husband did (he committed suicide in 2011 in his gorlfriends bed after us being separated for approx 7 months after a 7 year relationship/marriage 7 isn't always a lucky number I guess) and my 7 year old daughter has Aspergers as well. I may not know what it feels like to have Aspergers but, I certainly understand what it is like to live with and be in a relationship with someone that has it.

My husband was also a functional alcoholic and the only reason he stopped smoking weed was because he lost his first really got job after popping got on a random drug test one day. He felt like he had let us down and never really smoked again which meant the drinking got worse. We frequently argued over the drinking thing because, I couldn't stand the way he smelled and would come climbing on top of me at night when he'd had almost a case throughout a 5-10 hour period. It was the biggest turn off and I tried so many times and ways to explain it without upsetting him but, it always just ended in an argument.

I asked him once what was so horrible about his life that he needed to drink everyday. He was undiagnosed and I wish I had known then what I know now. He said drinking and playing video games (usually very violent ones) was his way to relax. That said, I think what you're doing is basically self medicating. You asked what you should do and I think you've taken a huge step by being "that guy". Don't be ashamed of asking for help as it's better than you sitting there alone being miserable and suicidal. I think your next step should be to ask a professional for help.

I know a lot of parents are against medication for their kids but, I think if it's necessary it's necessary! I do have my daughter on medications as without them she's totally incapable of even functioning. She too has had major behavioral issues at school. But, I've advocated for her and learned the laws inside and out in an effort to get her the services that she needs. She is doing so much better this year. I have considered home schooling but, your exact situation is why I've always been against doing it. I would be too afraid that is just give in because it would be easier than fighting with her. So I'm glad I've read someone's actual experience with it.

You need to talk to a professional counselor too. Someone that is familiar with adults with Aspergers so they can give you coping tools to help you get through life. I'm not sure how you'd feel about going to an AA or NA meeting but that may be helpful as well. If you ever need a friend to talk to, feel free to PM me. I'm disabled and my days are spent either advocating for my daughter, or at doctors appointments so I'll talk or listen as much as you want throughout the day. Sometimes just having someone to listen and remind you that your a great person or to distract you from whatever can help.

Whatever you do, pls pls don't kill yourself. You have no idea the hole it leaves in you loved ones lives. I and my two little ones will likely never recoup from my husbands death. I loved him so much and only wish I had another chance to try and help him. If only I had known then what I know now...

Good luck to you and I'll be praying for you to overcome your struggles and obtain the life you desire. The world needs ppl like you that are so good in science and can understand what the rest if us NTs just look at and go, "huh?!"

you desperately need to learn to enjoy your own company. alcohol will stunt your growth in this regard. people are an inconsistent self-esteem booster. you need to learn to rely on yourself. a book that helped me was "the self-esteem companion" by McKay, fanning, et al. counseling, as mentioned by others, is also useful.

I would not have a social life if it weren't for going to rehab and joining as 12-Step fellowship. It seems like a lot of us like alcohol and marijuana. I was addicted to those too when I was a teenager. I was also suicidal or hated life as a teenager. I grew up isolated too (overprotective parents). I don't know what you should do, but psychotherapy, psychiatry, and 12-Step recovery are what have helped me.