I feel like a need to do certain things. Like I was reading and it was suspenseful and I felt a need to FEEL something so I just started whacking myself on the arm, pretty hard... Idk it sounds messed up but I felt like I was gonna explode.
Plus when I'm bored I just start rocking- or sliding my desk chair back n forth.
Also when I'm at the store I am almost constantly flapping. Like I'll be looking for something and I'll be flapping a little because it helps me concentrate and block out the brightly colored ball display and fun-looking pillow display.
I don't really have a way to describe WHY I do these... I just feel like I NEED to not like anythings gonna happen if I don't... Idk. It's weird.
And when I'm either bored or uncomfortable I twist back n forth - it's very soothing and doesn't look too weird.
On another subject...
EYE contact is driving me nuts. Like when I talk to my dad I try to be doing something because I know that I'm supposed to make eye contact, but it makes me feel like he's looking into my soul and it's almost physically painful for me.
SENSORY problems? I LOVE the smell of gasoline and fresh asphalt and two-day-old skunk - call me crazy - but Parmesan cheese, yogurt, cream cheese, sour cream - I can't STAND those smells. I like the taste of cream cheese and sour cream, but the smells make me gag. Manure smells good, but my grandma's perfume drives me nuts.
SYNESTHESIA?
I don't know, but my mom had a new ring tone playing and it made me see raspberries in my head, and little circles. It was WEIRD. Plus whenever I smell blood I think of corrugated steel... IDK why.
ANOTHER WEIRD THING:
I don't care about the sight of blood. I once got cut on my leg by broken glass and I remember just being... fascinated by it, the deep purple, the way it looked, felt. I don't know. My mom was bandaging a cut on my baby brother and she was almost gagging at the sight and I just thought how weirdly cool it looked, the red, and there was a tendon or something in there... Medical things have interested me since third grade (and it was NOT a normally paced interest. I would be reading and reading and reading.... anything medical-like.)
INTERESTS:
When I like a band, I can't like it normally. I obsess. I look up the people, their life stories, their top songs, I look into EVERY SINGLE CONTROVERSY about them that EVER was, I listen to them and only them 24/7, I decide who looks like who, connect them to other people, make decisions on who's the worst and the best, I research EVERYTHING, like for example Liam from 1D: Born effectively dead, had to take 32 injections to keep pain at bay because of a nonfunctional kidney, cross country when he was 12, X Factor when he was 14, and again at 16, forms 1D at X factor because he was disqualified from the individuals but could still do the group competition. And all that was off the top of my head.
I have like categorical knowledge, like we'll be talking and I'll be like 'did you know' and it'll be somewhat connected but the thought processes are weird... my older brother calls me random. I want him to be inside my head I can't sleep at night without music because I have too many thoughts going on.
ALL this is driving me nuts! I keep telling myself to act normal and then I relax for one minute.... *MAJOR sigh.
At least it all just seems like I'm a not-so-good-socially-but-nice person who obsesses over things and is fidgety.... it doesnt seem autistic. But what people don't know is that I get same or better grades than them DESPITE not working at all, everything I contribute I read somewhere because I have books in my head - not the whole book but key points sorted by subject and I can pull out a million references to almost any topic.
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Billy was a chemist's son, but now he is no more, what he thought was H2O was H2SO4, HEY!
10 Sep 2012, 9:23 pm
