Depressed last 18 months - No real friends/girl trouble

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Hey guys, my name is AJ, just turned 20 years old a few weeks back.

I`ve always had a rough time making friends due to what I suspect to be Asperger`s syndrome or something similar. (Currently working that out with a shrink, trying to nail that down exactly, diagnosis wise). Never been good at social cues or subtle facial expressions, obsessive interests, for me is none linear editing systems and film, can say sometimes rude things without picking up that I shouldn`t have said it, even though I don`t mean to hurt anyone)

I`ve been having a rough last 18 months battling depression, since relationship with my girlfriend, Miranda, ended, taking most of my social life with it. I broke up with her, in July 2011, as I found out that she was still extremely hung up on some old crush of hers and had been using me as her 2nd choice as a way to "get over him", making me feel pretty worthless, as she only agreed to go out with me as her backup because she couldn`t have him. Really stung as I had a crush on her for 2 + years at that point and thought we really connected once we were dating.. Made worse as she admitted she hadn`t been 100% attracted to me at first... My personality won her over, which really sucks when I think about it.... Seeming as if I was the guy she settled for, and that was never really good enough physically or something to be her #1 guy.

Have been battling severe depression since breakup. Have been having alot more darker type thoughts. (Wanting to burn myself with coffee/on stove, cutting thoughts, self harm, etc). I even carry a list of local hospital addresses with me, just in case.

Most of these depression thoughts are not solely due to the break up, more that my support system started to disapear because of it, as I found that alot of my "friends" didn`t really have my back anymore. Which hurt more as I`ve never had many to begin with. Only one of them bothered to contact me to see if I was alright after the end of the relationship, and most mutual friends I had with Miranda, seemed to passive aggressively start to ignore me. I`d usually talk to my best friend about all this, who I`ve known since the 1st grade, but he`s off at college now and really doesn`t care about me anymore. Haven`t heard from him in months, never returns calls. Even though his school is only a 20 min drive from where I live.

I have one friend who gets a hold of me sometimes, but it`s only when he wants something, never just to hang out.

I had spent most of summer 2012 out in New York on some freelance video work (I currently live in Massachusetts) which helped a bit to take my mind off things, met some cool people, chatted up girls at parties, but ever since I`ve came back home in fall 2012, depression has been coming back up again. Most the people I met in New York are too busy to talk online and the distance, being 3 + hour train ride to NY proves to be a problem, so they can`t really be any kind of social outlet either.

Alot of these depression feelings have been especially popping up, now that we are in February 2013, as back in February 2012 was the time I last ran into Miranda and the new BF (her old crush, Paul) at a rave type party.

Things got really bad there as Paul started to harass me at the party about being there, telling me I should leave/stay away from her. While he was harassing me I didn`t know who he was exactly, or that he was now dating Miranda, as I hadn`t seen her there yet, so I calmly tried to exit the situation, telling him he must have me confused with someone else, me just trying to get away from him, as I don`t appreciate some tall guy looming over me.... After that he said his last words to leave, and he punched me in the lower chest as he walked past me, leaving me to fall to the ground, as he had knocked the wind right out of me. No one really noticed all this as there heavy beat party music going and flashing lights and was very dark....

I stumbled outside to get my breath back, puked my guts out, and when I finally went back in inside, I saw Paul dancing with Miranda and I put 2 and 2 together that that was why he was harassing me. I didn`t confront him on things as I didn`t want to escalate things, and I doubted she would have believed me anyway, would have written me off as some whiny ex trying to make trouble. So after taking another 20 minutes to cool down, I mostly just went back in and acted like everything was fine till the party ended, and then I left and drove back home, bruise developing on my chest. Then I parked my car and finally screamed my head off and smashed my hands on the steering wheel for 5-10 minutes.

Basically lied to my parents about most of that night, giving them a minimal cliff notes version, leaving the main stuff out. Didn`t mention stuff with Paul. My mind kinda shut down a bit after he hit me, so I didn`t remember all the details anyway. They popped back about a few months later, think I kind of repressed the whole night. Just wore a shirt whenever I`d get out of the shower usually, so parents wouldn`t see the bruise. Healed after a few days.

I don`t really know what to do... it`s becoming increasing apparent that I`m just some "good enough" 2nd choice with everyone in my life. Friends, and girls wise. Even people I meet through work in Boston, I can`t 100% connect with. They`re nice enough to me, but we never really hang out or grab food after work or anything. I know that Miranda wasn`t a very good person for using me as her backup guy and I`ve been trying my best to forget her and move on, but it still really hurts. I was in love with the girl... but I feel like an idiot. Especially when the guy she liked over me turned out to be some abusive idiot who punched me at a party.... When I didn`t do anything to him or to her.

I was just there, trying to get a date to go decently with a girl, Emma, I was there with (who I later found out only agreed to go with me to get a free ride, and came there to meet up with some other guy). And Emma was friends with Paul and thought he basically walked on water, so I couldn`t exactly say anything about him hitting me to her or anything either...

Pathetically, only in the last month or so, I`ve started to stop being physically attracted to Miranda. Making it almost 4 years, I`ve been into her. Though I am relieved I`m finally over her physically.

I feel like the only people who care if I was around or not are my parents (who I still live with, still saving money to move out) I`ve never felt super close to them really though. They`re good people and all, but we just have such vastly different views on almost everything that I don`t enjoy talking to them a ton.

Most days I will just go to work, end up eating lunch by myself, come home, eat dinner with parents, and then just watch movies/work on screenplays for a few hours, email people for work, then just go to bed, and repeat it all over again. And on the weekends, my parents are usually doing their own thing, so I usually just go to movies or out to dinner by myself and go to bed early. I don`t really have anyone outside of my family to talk to. My next door neighbor who I used to hang out with all the time, never makes any effort, so that`s not really an option.

I`ve been talking to my shrink, trying to get the depression/suicide thing under control, and to also figure out how I could have been attracted to a girl who could treat me so horribly... I noticed some red flags now looking back, but I guess I just wanted someone to like me, that maybe subconsciously I didn`t really care at the time if I was the runner up... but I dunno, I keep thinking there must be something wrong with me or something. I guess it is probably for the best that it ended though, as she was never very helpful when it came to any depression/anxiety stuff.

In June 2011, I had to go over to go over to my aunt and uncle`s house to stay overnight as my parents were out of town and I was feeling extremely suicidal, and I didn`t trust myself to be alone. But when I tried to explain to Miranda what was going on with me that night and try to get her to understand, she just gave me crap about going MIA and shutting off my phone and didn`t listen to what I was saying and made the whole thing about her. Even when I broke up with her, she made the whole thing my fault for not "trying to work things out"..

Back in the present day, I`ve been on a date here and there, but with Aspergers/social stuff, I end up not picking up on cues when the girl actually likes me, or i don`t know exactly how/when to make a move, and end up tanking the thing and it fizzles out after a date or two. Even if I could get a solid girl, I`m honestly kind of embarrassed to still be at parent`s home, so I can`t really hang out with her here, and I don`t really have a ton of money for gas or to take her out anywhere, so it becomes a bit of a catch 22, as she`d probably be bored as I don`t really have anything going on with me, as I mostly just work and I`m not in college currently.

And I`m also worried to get too involved with anyone as I really don`t want to have another Miranda type in my life.

I`m sorry for the long story, but felt a need to get it all out... dunno if anyone on here has gone through anything similar or could give me advice how they got out of this rut....

I`ve been starting to work out, trying to build more muscle and such, had been told can help with depression stuff. Staying active and all that...

Kinda feel like I need to know I`m not completely alone here... I just feel like I`m standing in the middle of minefield and any direction I go in I`m screwed in some way. I`m not 100% sure of where I`m going to end up career wise, or with friends or girls... I don`t even know where in the US I want to live when I do move out....

Thanks for reading

Gee... I'm really sorry for you. I wish I could say or suggest something supporting or helpful, but I don't know what to do. I hope something works out.

You seem to be doing great knowing all the difficulties, great job! I support the idea of working out as a means to get out of depression. Perhaps try something new - maybe a new hobby?

NTs (and other Aspies) can be reluctant to understand us and why we disappear or become absent. Being in a relationship with depression generally means you're doomed unless the other person genuinely cares about you. Which doesn't seem to be the case.

You seem to be taking it well; definitely keep it active and keep looking for girls you might be more compatible with.

Hi, I have also struggled with depression and thoughts of suicide. Big, big issues all around.

I have not yet tried antidepressants but they're kind of my Ace in the hole. What I've read, the first one may not work, be ready try a series (and standard advice, usually come off one in stages even if the damn thing doesn't seem to be working). I really think depression can be a combination of both situation and biochem.

I think you've largely read people correctly. Most people shy away from people unpopular, don't want to talk about serious issues, don't know how. I mean, look at the Catholic Church, most of the bishops who moved abusive priests were not themselves abusers. So, why the hell did they do it? Well, most people adapt to an institution, certainly people who get promoted, where the 'smooth functioning' of the institution is seemingly valued above everything else. That speaking up about something feels like 'getting in trouble' and being a rebel. And the example for all times sake is, What percent of German citizens took any kind of concrete, tangible action to protect Nazi victims? Now, in absolute numbers, a fair number of Germans are listed as Righteous Gentiles. But in percentages, it's pathetic.

And the Milgram obedience study, two-thirds of people will go along giving painful electric shocks to stranger just because some damn authority tells them to (the stranger is a confederate of the researcher and does not really receive shocks). But, if there's also a confederate who quits before the end, the percentages flip, and two-thirds of people will also quit before the end.

So, this opens up a possibility of skipping followship skills and jumping to the good stuff of being a low-key leader. Now, stuff like peace groups, although seemingly concrete goals, I have found too abstract with all kinds of infighting---and as hierarchical as anything else and that has been a big disappointment. I haven't yet tried it but I have more hope for things like Cat Action Team (CAT) of helping feral cats through a program of capture, spay, and release (which has some controversy and the controversy may actually be a good thing). This it seems to me would have a much better interplay between theory and practice, plus actually going out there and doing some useful work.

And in 2005 and '06 when I was living in a small town, I got in the habit of attending twice a month city council meetings. And these city councilors were more impressive than most members of Congress I see on TV, perhaps because they can't be so abstract and theoretical and ideological.

It sounds like you handled the situation at the party as well as could be expected. You did not allow the guy to intimidate you but also did not initiate a confrontation, thereby steering a middle course. I think you were wise beyond your years and handled it as well as undercover FBI agent Joe Pistone (of Donnie Brasco fame) might have. (I'm a language arts type of Aspie, self-diagnosed, and frequently draw analogies from movies and books.) In fact, I've developed a whole theory of tight defensive boxing to a draw, because you don't want to humiliate someone you're likely to see again (and I wish this was more widely understood in international affairs). But realistically in boxing, even if I was a lot better than I am, if someone is bigger than me, I am still likely to lose. Karate might be a different thing, but if someone sucker-punches me, I still might not see it coming. And matter-of-factly move to an area of more people. Other thing, all that stuff about post-concussion syndrome and even cumulative lesser blows is largely true.

And then, to complicate things, that Emma who weasled her way to a ride. She could have decently asked, can we go as friends, there is a guy I want to see. But apparently this was a risk she felt she couldn't take, so she weasled instead.

The philosopher Bertrand Russell almost certainly was Aspie and he found happiness in his third marriage. The scientist Carl Sagan most probably was Aspie and found happiness (probably coincidentally) also in his third marriage. But, but . . . if you are on 'the Spectrum' and know that you are or strongly suspect, that gives you advantages in that you know your strengths and weaknesses. For example, with me, I need a lot of alone time and a lot of downtime even if I'm with someone I like.

And please try and cut yourself some slack for not picking up the signs sooner. The big sign, that she didn't care about you being suicidal in June 2011, you did pick up on. And you acted shortly thereafter. (A lot of people both young and old have stuck in bad relationships far, far longer.)

Hey guys,

Thanks for responses. Is helpful to know other people have had similar issues. Still making the last steps to putting all the Miranda stuff behind me, now that I`m over her physically, just have to put the final emotional ties to rest. I`ve been going with 100% no-contact the last 18ish months as a way to let myself heal. And you`re right, the fact that she didn`t even care when I was getting suicidal in June 2011 was a huge sign. I was finishing some college courses during that time and feel extremely overloaded with stress with that, so i mostly just pretended everything was fine with ex, until the courses were done, and then just called her up like 2 days after and ended it.

Have never told the full rave party story to anyone in real-life so was nice to get that off my chest. Didn`t really make logical sense to make a big deal over a guy that I was never probably going to have to run into again anyway. And if I had told someone about ex`s new boyfriend punching me and harassing me, it could have caused a whole world of hurt for me that I really didn`t want to go down, and I had repressed most details of that night for a few months, so yeah... Wasn`t serious enough damage wise to go crying about it all that time later. And was really not worth getting myself completely beat up trying to confront some 6"1 guy, with me being 5"6ish. Wouldn`t have ended well for me.

I`m probably going to see about joining The Y or something. Give me somewhere to go on the weekends and meet new people, go swimming or play some casual basketball for a few hours. Always nice looking girls there too my own age, so maybe can find someone with whom I have more in common with.

2013 is gonna be the year I`ll make some sort of romantic comeback I think, will just take it slow and not get emotionally invested in anyone too fast, not looking for a girl to marry or anything, just see where it goes. Mostly held off on dating till now, as I didn`t want to be a hypocrite and date someone while pining for someone else, like Miranda did to me. Wouldn`t have been the right thing to do to treat some poor girl like that.

Will continue to make head way on moving out also. Mostly just been an issue or getting something steady enough to be able to get a landlord to trust me with a decent lease and to have enough savings to cover myself a bit, though I will definitely have roommates, which could prove helpful with meeting new social group. I`ll keep talking with my shrink on the Aspie end and get that sorted.

I can get extreme facial expressions, but not subtle ones, or subtle body language or changes in tone of voice. Only extremely. I can do jokes, though a good amount I lose some of it in the telling. I find small talk tedious, and I can talk someone`s ear off about my interest (NLE`s/16mm/35mm film gauges/digital post workflows, audio recorders) for hours on end without stopping. I run a timer in the back of my mind now, when to take a breath and pause, and let the other person speak, which seems to be helping. Not really worth getting official diagnosis right now as I`m not in school or anything.

And yes, AardvarkGoodSwimmer, Emma really does suck. Never talked to her again after that night. Calmly told her never to pull that kind of crap with me ever again and that was that. Two girls, I was both attracted to, both with the same issue. Pining for someone else. At the same party. Both huge fans of the guy, and basically in love with the guy who punches me. The strange hilarity of the situation was not lost on me. As most of my humor has always been more situational, then straight up jokes or sarcasm. Even though my chest was hurting like hell, I did have a good temporary laugh to myself outside the party, near my car during that 20 min calming period. Probably my mind breaking down a bit at the stress of it all, but still...

Absolutely ridiculous. And yeah, I draw analogies from film/tv all the time too. That night back in February 2012, I almost felt like Ducky from Sixteen Candles, or Lloyd Dobler from Say Anything. Though Lloyd did get the girl (to a point) in the end, I highly doubt they would have made it more than a few months in Europe together, and Diane Court really didn`t like him at first, and got back with him at end cause she was nervous about how her own life was imploding. I`ll draw particular attention to the scene in the 3rd act where Diane comes to see Lloyd at the kickboxing gym, and tells him that she wants him back. Lloyd responds by asking if she "just wants to be with SOMEONE, or if she wants to be with HIM". After a beat, when she can`t answer, he simply says, "you know, I don`t care".

Kind of sad when you think about it. He wants to be with her and doesn`t care about anything else, even though she probably doesn`t feel 100% the same way for him, as he does her. Not what healthy love is by any means, or not what it should in the real world, as a successful partnership is where both people want to be there and care for each other equally... but in some ways it would be nice if life could be more cut and dry like movies. If things were simpler, easier to understand. I don`t want to be a "Lloyd Dobler" though, not caring for myself and having some warped view of what a relationship should be.

It`s difficult when you spend the vast entirety of your first relationship feeling like you are looking in on a snowglobe containing yourself and her. Feeling like you are constantly on the outside looking in, never really being able to feel 100% comfortable or at peace with where you are. You think you should feel more and be completely happy with what you have as you`re in the globe. You should be happy and sage, but you feel these things, and you don`t quite know why. Maybe it`s not exactly what you expected going in, and maybe that`s a good thing and helps you grow and to learn the kind of partner you should seek in the future when the current partnership runs it`s course and ends, or maybe it gives sign of it being a mistake to begin with, and points to personal weakness and lack of foresight that can never be fixed, or retroactively solved, or undone. You start to see the outside forces threatening the apparent tranquility of the sphere, but you can`t do anything about it. It`s out of your control. Always out of your control.

The globe then smashes to the ground and all the contents spill across the floor, never to be contained and brought back together as they once were. You look down at the glass shards, each piece dangerous and able to harm, and as you lean down to inspect the damage that has been done, you cut your finger on one of the shards. As you bleed, you notice the figures that used to be inside, now lying on the floor on opposite ends of room. You hesitate for moment, wondering if they should be brought back together in any form, or if it was meant to be this way. You look back down at your hand, now bleeding profusely. You clean up the rest of the shards and thrown them in the trash, no longer able to hurt you. You spot your figure on the other side of the room and you walk over and pick it up. You then take one last look at her figure that`s now opposite you.

You feel a mix of relief, despair, anger, and regret. Along with every other emotion that one can experience in this world. After a moment, you calm yourself and think back to the perfectly peaceful snowglobe as it once was. You sort your thoughts, trying to figure out if the sphere was worth saving, and if it was really as serene as the once remembered it to be. As you think back, you start to see the cracks in the glass. The arguments. The misunderstands. The fights. The tears. The jealousy. The mistrust. The highs and the lows. The firsts, and the seconds, and the thirds, and the fourths. And most importantly, the feelings of sheer terror and pure excitement of what the future holds, are both felt by you in equal measurement. Both building on top of each other until you feel a chill up your spine as you realize the distance now between you and her.

You`re now exiting your car on the night of your first date. You nervously walk up the front walkway. You take cautious steps. Left and right. Left and right again. Careful not to sleep on the ice. Not to make a mistake. Rehearsing words in your head, to make sure everything goes right. As you reach the front door, you take a deep breath, ring the doorbell and wait for what seems to be the longest moment of your life. The seconds dragging on and on. The mixed feeling of sheer terror and pure excitement at what the future could hold comes back to you. Sending the chill up your spine once more.

As the door starts to open, you wish, just for a brief second, that things could stay like this. That you could just freeze this moment in time, hit pause, and feel this rush forever. You know it`s not possible and that it can`t be this way, but you still hope, none the less. Maybe if it stayed like this, you wouldn`t have to feel disappointment, or fear, or anger, or anything of those bad things. Maybe you wouldn`t have to ever feel heartbreak or jealously, or hatred. But maybe you wouldn`t feel the highs either. The firsts, and the seconds, and the thirds, and the fourths. Maybe you wouldn`t feel the joy, or the elation, or the love. Maybe you wouldn`t lie under the stars with her and in that moment feel that everything was going to be alright, even though all evidence points to the contrary.

Maybe you wouldn`t feel these things. Maybe you wouldn`t feel anything at all. Maybe the globe wouldn`t break and you would stay in the bubble together forever. Just you and her. Maybe it`ll work out. Maybe.


- Dunno, maybe I should just find a girl who`s an English major or something. Can be tough to get the ball rolling with girls my own age, when I write stuff like above. Most think I act too old for my age.

Thanks again for reading all. It helped. I look forward to talking to you all elsewhere on the forums, hopefully under better circumstances. Hopefully in the Love/Dating section will some good news for a change. 2013 is the year, I`m gonna cautiously going to call it right now.

Thank you for a very good, heart-felt description with the whole metaphor of the snowglobe. I'm not really sure how I feel about it, and I think I kind of like that feeling. And whether you turn out to be full-fledged Aspie or instead a 'bridge person' with some Aspie traits but not others, please feel free to continue to participate here at Wrong Planet.