I'm annoyed with life.

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I'm really annoyed with my life.
I feel like I'm treated like crap a lot and it gets a bit annoying after 17 years.
(I think this will be a really long post.)

(I also have been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome; when I was 10 years old. )

I guess I was kind of smart when I was younger, because I could count to high numbers, and read and say long words and spell before anyone else in my classes and stuff.
But I couldn't communicate with the other children properly and didn't understand how to make friends, so I was quickly the "weirdo" in every class.

One of the worst time for bullies was when I was in Year 2 in 2003. This stuck-up girl, let's call her "Georgie", was in my class and was mean to me for no reason. But I'm guessing it was because of my "weird" label everyone had put on me, and because I was and still am quiet.
She would push me, hit me, scratch me, and call me a "blackie", because I'm black, but I never understood why, as she is half-black herself.
She would also get this other boy, let's call him "Mikey", to come up to me and say the same thing.

I told my mom and she once went to tell Georgie's dad about what she did to me every day, and as he's a very stuck-up, rude man, he just walked away, with his big nose in the air.
And what kinda made it worse, is that Georgie's mom is sisters with my uncle's wife, thus making her my cousin's cousin. And Georgie's dad is best mates with three of my uncles, AND she's BFF's with my other cousin.

Anyway, at the start of Year 3, we we're put into different classes, so that she'd leave me alone. I never thought she would, but she did.

So then, I still got teased and bullied from Year 3 and upwards, but it was nowhere near as bad as Georgie's taunts. Even my teachers hated me! They'd deliberately seek out something to get me in trouble, embarrass me in front of the class or just tell me off for no reason, encouraging the other students to do the same things to me.

My mom said that the teachers & students were just jealous because I was smart, but I didn't believe her, because I thought that if I WAS actually smart, then surely they wouldn't bully me...?

I have an older almost 30-year-old sister and she can be mean, bossy, snobby, and rude to me sometimes as well. But I think it's because she's the oldest and has to show her... "authority"...?
(Would that be the right word...?)

But my younger sister... She is one of the meanest girls I have EVER had the misfortune of knowing. I know that is harsh, but I think she really is.
She is almost 14, but thinks she is at least 20 or something. I have tried to be nice to her because you know, we're sisters and all that... But there's only so many times you can be nice to someone who is nothing but mean back to you.

She takes things without thanking me, (but she happens to say thanks to anyone who isn't me...),
she gives me and other people dirty looks, (whether she knows them or not), calls me names, pushes me, ignores me, she used to hit me, she makes fun of my interests, and because I like and eat certain specific foods such as mature cheddar cheese, she does things like leave the cheese open for it to get mouldy or only leaves a few crumbs for me. She also does things on purpose when mom isn't looking, then makes it look like an accident, for example, pushing the shopping trolley into my back. She is also exceptionally rude to boys.

Also, when we were younger, she would be like the teachers at my school and seek out anything to get me into trouble. And she would only snitch on me. Not my cousins or her friends. But if I told on anyone, I'd get into trouble for "telling tales", or I just wouldn't be believed.
Nowadays, I just say what she's done and she doesn't get told off. But if I did that same thing, I'd get all sorts of punishments.

She also thinks she is above everyone. If she's looking at someone on the street, she then talks about them, e.g. "Eugh, look at them... What are they wearing... Dress properly, man... They're ugly... What's she lookin' at... I look better than them..."
Most of the time when we go out, she's looking like a darn scarecrow. And I bet she wouldn't say any of this to their faces.

Even being one of the rudest girls on Earth, she still has many friends. And they're all make-up wearing, judgemental, rude, snobbish pre-teen/early-teen aged girls who think they're the best and talk behind each other's backs. And she unsurprisingly talks about them behind their backs as well.
And I know it's not nice to say that about girls I don't know that well, but I have heard the way they talk to people and I've seen how they act, and it happens to be just like how my younger sister is.

On the 2nd of June, we were having an extremely rare "joking around" time when me, her and my mom were on the sofa, playfully pushing each other. I was only doing gentle pushes though, and one push made her morph into Solange and she started pushing the heck out of me and hurting me. She had a serious face, and said " STOP PUSHING ME!"
I didn't even push her that hard; I was using my fingertips and was GENTLY pushing her leg.
She didn't even get told off for shouting, or pushing me. At this point my mom was on her phone, but still really close to where we were. She was sitting right by my sister, actually.
I was very tempted to push her back or punch her in the face, but I knew that if I did, I would've got told off or yelled at or something.

It's always been like that, someone doing something to me, then if I do it back, I'm the one in the wrong. I then decided that I am going to treat her like she treats me, as being nice to someone who isn't gets you nowhere, and also gets annoying after 17 years.

It would just be nice to have someone on my side and believe me for once.
And I know my mom was on my side during that time when "Georgie" bullied me, but in recent years, I've just felt very alone.



If you read this whole thing to the end:

? Thank you. And sorry it's so long.
? Sorry if this is a complete waste of time to you. But oh, well.
? Do you think I'm doomed to be a "weird" pushover for the rest of my life?
? Do bad things happen to me because I have Asperger's?
And
? I don't mean for this post to sound attention-seeking or stupid, or clueless because "I don't understand about life yet" because I'm only 17 or something, but I just felt like writing this.

Thanks again.

I've read some of it.

I'll edit this reply after I finish reading it tomorrow morning (I'm Australian).

_________________
Unapologetically, Norny.
-chronically drunk

Hi there,

I'm sorry you're going through what you're going through.

Have you taken your GCSE's yet? A-levels? Will you be going to University?

Do you have any "special interests?"

I hope you go to University, because it will be a different experience that what you've gone through in primary and secondary school. You'll enjoy it there. Primarily, people are in university to learn, rather than to hang out.

When I turned 18, I decided to really forget about my past (which wasn't really good), and to start off with a clean slate. You've become an adult. The expression "the world is your oyster" applies to you. You could do anything you set your mind to do.

I don't understand the 30-year-old's behavior; there's something wrong with her, I believe. I would disregard her rudeness, and the rudeness of your younger sister, and just move on with your life, get your degree, move out of your parents' home, etc.

It's tough now, I know--but, especially if you go to University, there is "light at the end of the tunnel."

Hi, thanks for reading & replying to my really long post.
And thanks for the encouraging words.

(Sorry for another long post)

Just answering the questions you asked:

? I am currently going to College, I don't think I'm going to University, I don't think I'm smart enough for it and I don't know what I would like to do as a career in the future
? I don't really have any special interests. But I do like drawing but I'm not really good at it and I'm interested in music from the 1960s to the 1990s.

I sometimes think that I should forget the past and start off with a clean slate as well and sometimes when I attempt to forget the past, I still always get treated badly by people or I'm invisible to everyone. Until I do something "wrong" that is. Then I'm suddenly visible.

And because certain things people like my darn younger sister does gets to me all the time, I think it's impossible for me to forget the past and start a clean slate.

How my older sister acts towards me doesn't bother me (most of the time).
I think it's because we don't live in the same house and only see each other few times a week.
But I have to live with my darn younger sister, and she's not moving out any time soon as she's only 13.

I also worry a lot and my mind is always plagued with negative thinking. All the time.
I always think something bad will happen to me, because 99.999% of the time, something always does. And always has in the past.

It annoys me and annoys my mother; she always says if I keep thinking negatively, negative things happen and that I need to think positive.
But even if I do think positive, negative things happen anyway.

And I don't think I'll be able to get rid of my negative thinking, I have tried many times.

I'm an American. We probably don't have as good a trade school system here as you do in the UK.

What are you taking up in college?

Are you in 6th Form College, or are you taking up a trade? (no shame in that, by the way--if we don't have tradespeople, the academics would never survive in their ivory tower!)

I'm quite interested in music from the 1960s-1980s; not so much the 1990s.

I just think it's hard being 17; it's hard being 17 for everybody. It was certainly hard for me. I ran away to Times Square in NYC once; my father had to retrieve me. I screwed up constantly--but one learns from screwing up.

Just do well in college, get your career going. Once you are able to contribute financially to the family, you will get more respect. Sometimes, people just give you "tough love" because they fear you might become dependent upon them in adulthood.

Thanks again for the encouragement.

How was being 17 hard for you and how did you cope with it?
And why did you run away to NYC?

I'm doing a performing arts course in college, with other students that have been diagnosed with things like Autism, Asperger's, Down Syndrome, speech disorders and others.
But I feel like the outsider in the class; just like I have in every class I've been in since I was 4.
(And also in life.)

I think I feel like an outsider mostly because I am the youngest on the course, (everyone else is aged 20-40; there is one other person who is eighteen), and because everyone had made their own friends already and know each other more, as they had been on the same courses years before and I was one of two new people to join.
(The other new student was the 18 year old)

I don't know what I want to do in the future; I'm enjoying performing arts, but I don't see myself doing anything performing arts related in the future. I'm going to try doing an Art course after this course is over, but I'm still struggling to think of what I want to do as a career.

I knew it would be hard being 17, especially because I know I'm getting older, I've left school now, I have to choose a career and get a job and make my own money. And also because it's when most teenagers hang out with their friends...but I only have one, (my 18 year old classmate), and even he doesn't speak to or text me much.

I want to not be dependent on people and wish that I could be independent in the future, but I always fear that I won't be and that I'll just fail at everything because a day isn't normal for me unless I screw something up.

(also I hope you don't mind me asking why you ran
away to NYC, I just realised that it could be seen as rude and/or nosy.)

I didn't run away to NYC. I was born and raised there, and continue to live there.

LOL....I didn't run away to NYC. I was born, raised, and still live there.

I ran away from Far Rockaway (a part of the Borough of Queens, which is a part of NYC), to Times Square. I ran away because my mother's boyfriend hit me once too many, and I was sick of the crap.

Being 17 was rough for me. I really didn't have any "friends"--only a few acquaintances whom I might do stuff with. I couldn't confide in these kids, though--we were all kids, doing stupid kid things. I wasn't an especially bright kid, though I was intelligent in some ways. The other kids I hung out with weren't really into intellectual, constructive things either. They were into smoking pot, vandalism (what Brits call "hooliganism", partying, etc. I wasn't so much into all of that, though. I did participate in vandalism once, I inhaled pot once. I went to a few parties. They just weren't the kind of kids who wanted to hear your problems. I didn't want to confide in adults, either.

I was going to a special high school for kids who were "gifted underachievers." We came from all backgrounds, some of them criminal. I didn't have a criminal record, though. It wasn't a school for delinquents--though there were some delinguents. there. Basically, being a "gifted underachiever" meant you were failing in regular high school. I wasn't failing grade-wise--but I was failing social-wise.

I did manage to graduate high school when I was 18. I knew I wanted to get out of my mother's house, so I started working immediately. My first job was as an "order picker" for an insurance company. Soon, I realized how much of a crap job that was, and I knew how to type, so I applied, and got clerk-typist positions (there were no PC's then, no home computers, though there were CRT screens for people doing data entry). Then, my mother put me in a program called CETA, which was for teenagers who had trouble getting jobs (though, ironically, I had no trouble getting jobs!) I had a nice experience at a day care center. Then, after CETA was over, I got a job with the 1980 Census. After that, I got a "temp" job doing data entry on a CRT. After about four months, a Hispanic co-worker gave me a nice tip about a job where I would make $200 a week, instead of $140 a week, doing data entry on a CRT. I interviewed for it, and got the job immediately because I was a good typist. This was November, 1980.

It turned out to be a Civil Service job! How I lucked out! Immediately, I took the civil service test, and became permanent civil service (meaning: they could only fire me after a hearing--in practical terms, this was a high job-security job).

I started this job, like I said, in November, 1980. I'm still at this same job to this day, doing exactly the same thing ( though CRT's evolved into PC's). I'm going to retire in 8 1/2 years and get a pension for the rest of my life (provided I don't screw up royally!)

I'm thinking: you don't seem that much into the performing arts. Are you into visual art?

I'm also thinking: maybe you either go to business college, or perhaps even University. Maybe you could get a certification in bookkeeping or something like that. Bookkeepers are always needed!

Are you in London? My wife's son lives in Bromley, SE London. My wife is Afro-Caribbean--he's Afro-Caribbean as well. I wouldn't mind it if he were my son--but he's only 7 years younger than me. He is a doctor who works in a hospital in SE London. I'm Caucasian, by the way.

Maybe you could work for the City of London in some capacity. If you're a good driver, they're always looking for bus drivers.

I know...I went on and on....but I just wanted to let you know about my life.

Thanks for "listening."

(OK, sorry, I must have not read the NYC part properly then, oops.)

I do like the performing arts, but because I'm not good at it, I won't be doing another year of it.
(I wish I was good at it, though.)

I like visual art; I like paintings, drawings and sculptures. So I'm going to try that next year.

I hope to be more independent when I'm 18. You seemed to have a lot of independence when 18 and also maybe a lot of confidence and luck, because you said you had no trouble getting jobs.
I think most people gain more independence by default when they get to 18, but I know I won't.

Just the other day, I saw my God-nephew, (I don't know if that's a real thing, but he's my God-brother son, so I don't know if that's the right thing to call him), who me and my mom hadn't seen for 6 years; he is 2 months older than me, and we saw him while coming out the chip shop, dressed in a nice suit and of course my mother spoke to him, because I'm really not good at talking.
(He didn't really acknowledge me anyway, as does everyone else.)

Anyway, he was talking about his job and I felt very inferior, as he has a good job, he's independent & seems confident and I just go to college full time & have no confidence.
I also see more and more of my old class "mates" when I go out, in work uniforms and I just... Feel stupid.

I go to a Community College in the centre of the UK, which is nowhere near London, so I don't think I would work for the City of London, haha.

We have to boost that Confidence up! How could I boost your confidence up?

One doesn't get independent "by default" when one is 18. It takes time, especially these days. Many people in the US are still living with their parents even when they're 25. Including many right here on this Site.

I didn't get out of my mother's place until I was 20.

You're in the center of the UK--which means you're in Birmingham? Maybe you could get a bus driver's gig there. No shame in that. It's a job. Better than no job!

You should research the Qualifications system in the UK. It's probably better than it is in the US. You could obtain qualifications in many things. You don't have to go to University to succeed.

I bet you're more intelligent than you think you are.

My confidence level has always been non-existent; I don't know if I'll ever be confident in anything.
It always annoys me that I have 0% confidence. It annoys my mom too and I hate it.
I always wish and think about what my life would be like if I had more confidence and if I wasn't annoyed with my life.

I've always wanted to know how people gain confidence and independence. My older sister had a job in McDonalds when she was 14 and worked there for 10 years. She was and still is confident and she's been independent from a young age, my mother told me.

My darn younger sister has more confidence has more independence than me too.
For example, I'm ashamed to admit that she knows how to catch the bus, she knows which bus to get and where it goes, knows bus routes and meets up with her friends by getting the bus too... And I don't.
She makes friends quickly, too. (I don't understand how she does, because she is really rude and inconsiderate.)

I can't drive and I don't want to learn, because when I watch my mom drive, I just look at the the lights on the dashboard you have to pay attention to, I always look at how confusing the gears and pedals look and there's a lot of stuff to remember.
It just looks confusing and I wouldn't be confident on the road and just crash or something.

I think if I ever get the confidence to do things like that, it'll be in at least a decade or something.
Mostly because I always end up doing something wrong and also because I'm kind of a coward.

My mom says I can stay living with her for as long as I want, but I don't want to end up still living with her when I'm 35, because I don't want to be a burden and an embarrassment to her.
But I'm also worried about living on my own.

I don't know if I could get a job while still at College, because:

? I'm not confident
?I most likely won't get it anyway
? I worry a lot if I have to do more than one major thing at once,
(e.g., a job and full time College.)
(Not that I've had a job before, but it is obviously a major thing.)


(And sorry, my replies always end up being ten years long, that isn't my intention.)

Hi Iswhade.

There's a side of me that wants to give you a kick in the pants--but, fortunately for me, it's only one side of me LOL

I wouldn't blame you if you gave me a big fat kick, too, should I give you that kick!

I wish I could see you, so I could convince you that you're all right. You're just going through the 17-year-old "awkwards," that's all. I went through them...and I came out of them pretty well because I learned not to let idiots bother me.

When you get in your 20's, most people mellow out, and seek to give you a chance, rather than be adolescent idiots.

If you like the Performing Arts so much, maybe you could get a job as a "key grip" or something like that.

I think a lack of confidence breeds a vicious cycle. You have to at least try to break that cycle. You have to assert to your younger sister that you want respect, because you're her older sister. Not the "rap" type of respect, the "true" type of respect. You have to tell her not to talk nasty to you--otherwise you won't respond to her. Tell her to talk to you like a sister, not like some punk (or, in England, not like some Chav).

You have to do the same thing with your older sister and your mother. You have to respect them, too---but they have to respect you as a person as well. Don't allow them to put you down.

I tell my wife all the time: there's a way to talk to somebody, and there's a way not to talk to somebody. She likes to try to talk crap to me--I take it sometimes--but, many times, I refuse to take it. I don't like to be brought down to a lower level.

You also have to either continue in college, get a job, or go on to University.

You're only 17. You have a long life ahead of you.

You could do this!! !! !! !! !!

I honestly wish I could give myself a kick in the pants sometimes as well, haha.

Of course I don't want to give you a big fat kick, haha.
You've actually kept replying to me more than most people have ever replied to me in my life! Haha.

I hope that this whole phase in my life is just a "17-year-old awkward" time and not to let stupid, annoying things - like my darn "chav" sister - get to me.

I really do hope to be treated better, gain confidence, gain independence and dare I say it... Make some friends...?

But I don't know what to do or what I could do to gain confidence. I think I forgot to say that I did have a minuscule amount of confidence before I got bullied at school and bullied by "Georgie". And I think that has had a bit to do with my 0% confidence.

As for college, I'm finishing performing arts this year then I'll try doing the art course and see what happens then.

This is what I am guessing is happening.

"Georgie" is jealous of you, Ill bet she is quite the extrovert, possibly feeling she had too to get any extra attention, where as the autistic one you demanded much more interaction and attention without realizing. not your fault though. So she takes that frustration out on you saying and doing things you do not like or that gets you into trouble, its turned into a control trip for her, esp when she has felt she had a bad day too and that you do not like her anyways and so just wants someone to take it out on. no it does not sound vary adult, but thats because she isn't one yet.

Work on being more of a support structure for her in ways that are not intrusive to her, even though she is not for you. keep trying to be positive. ,, Ill bet she is about like, she can pick on you but does not like it much when others do it too. that helps you realize deep down in some ways she actually may care. foster that between you too, it may not be enough before your ready to leave home, but its a start. things will change in time, and when you do leave she will actually get to have that one on one time with her parents for that attention she is craving, only to find it may not be what she expected after all. and if she feels you hate her, that may only fan the flames, let her know you really do want to be real bonded sisters. Ill almost bet she would miss you once you move out onto your own, although may not ready admit it.

You do realize that "Georgie" was a long time ago, when you were a little girl?

Don't give "Georgie" the victory. Prove "Georgie" wrong.

This was one my objectives in life--to prove the bullies wrong! I was bullied pretty badly at times.

I'm sorry you live among such unsupportive people. But you have to create your own support system for yourself. Make friends with people who share your interests. Tell your younger sister to respect you as a human being. Same with your older sister. Show them you want to make something of your life, instead of wallowing in self-pity.

People, by their very nature, hate people who wallow in self-pity. They sees these "wallowers" as targets for bullying. I'm sure you want to stop being a target, you want to stop being the person on whose butt bullies put pieces of paper--which say "kick me."

Trust me: if you make progress toward doing things like getting a job and getting a good education, you will meet people who have the same goals, and they'll respect you for having those same goals. They won't be in secondary school any more; they'll be people who are becoming grown-up, and who want to make a place in the world, just like you. This isn't school any more. It's "real life." "Real life" is not like secondary school. It's better.