Unhappy

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Hey guys. So I joined yesterday and I posted this exact story but I figured the getting to know each other threat is probably not the right place for this

I'm sorry about that. I know it's not very smart of me and I will try not to open multiple topics about the same subject in the future.

Warning, this is gonna be a long story I think, but whoever will read it, thanks a lot. I have a feeling just writing this, will already make me feel better.
Anyways, here we go.

I am a 19 year old guy from the Netherlands. When I was little, I would say I had a bright future ahead of me. I was very clever, witty, studious, funny, happy, good-looking and I grew up in a warm, happy, financialy stable family, etc. I was one of the cool kids in school as well. I had dreams of becoming a lawyer, or a professional football player. Everything seemed to be perfect back then. What else could you possibly want?

This continued pretty much until I hit puberty. I started losing interest in things I used to love, such as reading, and I started to become less and less outgoing and more and more shy. I was not motivated anymore for school work, but I still managed to pass all exams since I was far more clever than all other kids. I didn't play outside as much as I used to and started playing video games more often. I started to become a lot more insecure about myself. Moreover, everyone else seemed to be able to interact with girls very easily but I was way too shy for that. People started going out and stuff, but again, I was way too shy for that. Fast forward a couple of years and I barely graduated from secondary school, still without any effort.

Let's look at my life now: I'm getting poor grades in university and even though I always tell myself to start working harder, I always procrastinate and in the end I just don't do anything at all. I am used to not having to do anything with regards to school and right now, I should be working my butt off but i just can't.
My childhood friends still think it's weird I don't want to go out with them, I have never had a girlfriend, kissed a girl or even held a girl's hand. I am unhappy about myself. I wish I could be the witty, clever, funny, outgoing boy I was growing up. I wish I performed well in school. I really want to make something from my life but in the end I just play games or stay in bed. I am ashamed of myself but yet I don't have the courage/energy/will to make a change. I kind of feel like I have a depression. And to make it all worse, 1 month ago I found out I have asperger's.

On one hand, it is a good thing I only found out about it now. I had a perfect childhood, without any problems, being able to do anything I wanted, with the best parents ever, etc. On the other hand, it is kinda sad to only find out now about why I have always been so different from everybody else.

I wonder why I used to be so outgoing as a child, and why I was so motivated to study and stuff, because I have lost all of those traits. Kinda weird tho, because I have had asperger's all my f*****g life....

I don't know what to do with my life. I feel like a failure, I would love to change, but I feel like I can't, because I'm a f*****g aspie. I wish I could be normal, and I am very unhappy at the moment. I don't know what to do with my life. I seem to not be motivated to do anything, things i used to love aren't fun anymore, and friends probably think I'm weird as f**k.

Btw, I am undiagnosed, but I am certain I have aspergers. I have told my parents but I haven't told anyone else.
I would love to be succesful, have a girlfriend, but at the moment, all of that is an illusion.

Thank you, even if theres only 1 person who has read this, for reading through this wall of text.
I'm dutch so sorry for some English mistakes I might've made throughout this wall of text.

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Edit: Oh, and I recently found out that multiple girls were actually in love with me, I was just too stupid to pick up on their signs. Fml.

Edit 2: Oh, and to make it even worse. I am now even more awkward because i am desperately trying to fit in and camouflage the fact that i have aspergers. I am starting to wonder, do other people notice i am weird? they probably do, because i am the most awkward person to have a conversation with, ever. Plus, i have the weirdest walk in human history. I really hate myself.

Also, I would like to get a diagnosis, but I am just scared to hear the truth I guess, plus I am afraid people will find out.

Edit 9000: It doesn't help i obsess over girls way too much. They are just so cute... which makes me even more nervous when talking to them. By the way, I know i have only been complaining until now, but I don't have a clue how I can be happy again... Has anyone ever experienced anything similaR?



So basically, I don't know how I can be happy again, make the most out of my life, make myself proud and make others proud. At the moment, I am very sad because it just feels unfair to be part of the "1 per cent of the population with asperger's".

there is the possibility of depression or anxiety potentially.

This really sounds more like an Identity Crisis, similar to a Mid-Life Crisis, than an Aspie-Trait.
I will need more time to process the information you have provided before I decide on more feedback to give you.

Ok. Thanks for the replies guys. I never thought about the posiblity of an identity crisis but it may very well be the case.

Do you ever try reading or being just a little bit outgoing, just to prove to yourself that you still can? If so, what happens? Also, I don't really get why you hate yourself. Is it because you're shy? There are lots of shy people. Is it because you make mistakes in social situations? That doesn't make you worthy of hatred, and you're in good company on this forum. Is it because you hate procrastination? If so, are there little tiny changes that maybe you could start making over time to do some of the things you feel you need to do?

As for hating yourself, maybe you could ask people who share whatever trait you don't like, how they handle their mistakes or whatever you hate. One thing we all have in common: we're all on a journey. I'm sorry you feel so unhappy, and I hope you find some contentment in your life soon.

Thanks for your reply. I am definitely not a loner or anything. I have a ton of friends and people I talk to. Around some people I am outgoing and stuff, but around others (mostly girls) I turn into a far more awkward version of myself. This also happens in crowded places, such as the university food area or at parties. I become really clumsy and feel like everyone's looking at me.

I hate myself because I feel like I am not making use of my capabilities and because I just can't be like everyone else. The awkwardness/clumsiness will never go away. Moreover, I hate the fact I will probably never get a cute girlfriend. To make it even worse my mates succeed in seducing one girl after the other while I haven't even held a girl's hand once. I am also worrying about the future 24/7. I do not know what interests me and I do not have a clue what type of job would be interesting to me. This frightens me since I will be in my last year of university next year and I will obviously need to have an income of some sort.

Even if your awkwardness and clumsiness doesn't go away, and even if you never get a cute girlfriend, and even though you're different, these qualities don't merit hate. Think of it this way: you meet somebody who has a really strange way of walking, they seem to say the wrong things, and they also have some good qualities. Do you hate them? Friends, family, therapists, and others always say not to be more critical of myself than anyone else. What do you think?

About the university thing, it might be worth posting something over in the College Life forum. Maybe people might have some internship/volunteer ideas based on your major and things you try that you find interesting or uninteresting.

Thanks again. I know for a fact others do not hate me, I just hate myself.
I don't care if others call me beautiful, smart or funny because I find it really difficult to be happy with who I am, especially after I found out I have aspergers. I do have qualities, I know that. For instance, I am super intelligent, but it doesn't make me happy. If anything, it makes me feel "not understood" if that makes sense. And yes, some girls have shown interest, but they were even weirder than myself, great.... I am above average looking I'd say, but that has also never helped me. I just happen to be "special" and part of a population of 1 per cent thats extremely unlucky and I find it hard to accept that.

I know what they say. You cannot expect people to love you if you dont love yourself. That is exactly my problem.

Now this is just an absolutely silly reason to use as an external-authority marker over your feelings. Considering that there are actually plenty of people who are actually proud that they are Aspie and refuse to NT.
Also, nobody ever understands me either, although it has helped to learn how to discuss in other languages.
How-ever, I have gotten tenacious enough to where people seem to be willing to listen, due to problem-solving.

What I mean by my last sentence in the above paragraph is that I have interests that are both practical and that are useful for the maintenance/advancement of society; They include the construction and setting up of electricity-generating devices which do not consume huge amounts of space, creating your own batteries to store electrical-power, some other thing to reduce electric-bills, and growing your own food in a compact area, etc.

Also, plenty of people have existed who have been far unluckier than you, I have read their life-stories before, yet they continued to make their efforts to achieve their goals and become a success after many trials and tribulations. One of them had it so bad that everything he ever did in life was the practical definition of Murphy's Law (even to the point of having had his own house burnt down by one of his own accidents... I think that may have even happened twice to him !). Hell, even in my own life, was always one damn roller-coaster ride after another, like I was a magnet for accidents.

Another reason that it's silly to hate yourself for whom you think you are is that you're not intentionally going around trying to actively commit various forms of criminal-activities against others that result in suffering/harm/damage/injury against person/property. Seriously, unless you're being a parasite upon your community, such that you gain from others' losses or somehow benefit as a result of others' suffering, the reason(s) you have given for hating yourself are simply unwarranted.

For all we know, some discarnate entities may have attached themselves to you, and have feelings of projecting their self-hatred into your own thoughts. You said so yourself that your changes did not occur until around puberty. This is a time when many people unknowingly become prone to so-called psychic-forces. Rather than be mystical, and given the fact that you have a psychological-condition, plus the fact that you seem to have a good relationship with your parents, perhaps you would be able to find a resolution with your issues if you requested for them to find you a good hypnotherapist. I have gone through many cases of abnormal-psychology in my many years of research, such that when there are cases that none of the other methods or doctors seemed to be able to resolve, that hypnotic-regression sessions with qualified hypno-therapists were often able to uncover the root-causes of the anomalies, and resulted in effective cures from conditions that had otherwise bothered a number of these patients for many years in a row (some of them with abnormal psychological-problems, even to the point of amounting to so-called "spirit"-attachment, for over two entire decades before they became free of such thought-intrusions when finally being treated by one of those rare-to-find hypno-therapists).

Well, I do agree I am exaggerating a bit. There are some people that are far more unlucky than me. For instance, people in wheelchairs, people in extreme poverty, etc. I am lucky compared to them. I am just comparing myself to the people around me and compared to them, I consider myself unlucky. To be honest, I do not see why anyone would be proud of being an Aspie, but props to the people that are I guess.

I do want to thank you for making me feel a bit better about it though. I would also like to thank you for the suggestion of visiting a therapist, I will definitely consider that.

Ok, so I´m back....

I have just come to the conclusion that I will never ever be able to interact with girls without being awkward...

3 times today I caught cute girls staring at me but 3 times I look away. It´s not like I want to look away, but it´s just a reflex action........ I don´t know what to do.....
I would love to get a girlfriend..... Give love and get love back, cuddle, kiss, letting her rest her head on my chest and be best friends all at the same time. But it isn´t for me I suppose.

Thread bump. I don't have any good advice for you at the moment but I wanted you to know that someone's reading this. What would happen if you approached one of the girls who looked your way?

Ok. Thanks for trying
I don't know, I have never tried.
But to me it feels like I've blown the chance of meeting a girl when I just made a very awkward move, so I just give up.

I don't see how a simple glance away would blow your chances with every girl. You most certainly blow your chances with most by not trying though.

well research has shown that within 2 seconds of seeing someone, you determine whether or not he/she is dating material. I am not giving girls a good impression of myself because I waste every chance in those first 2 seconds.

It's just a shy impression, not a bad one.