what happens when you are realizing that you are aspie

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I have been thinking to write about this already a few weeks.

I am now 35 and I think I'll write about my experience and my thoughts related to that. Its a male perspective but of course there will be some parallels to what will happen for women as well.

1) First you'll be happy to have found some explanation

... an explanation why you are who you are. Especially when you'll read the experience of others it will be very clear that you are similar.
You'll understand it as something that you have and that you will just be able to handle as everything you handled before.
Now that was a thinking that is by far too optimistic, at least it was for me.

2) Maybe you are in trouble already when you start reading about it.

For me that was that I was sort of kicked out by my former girl-friend. First I had to find an own apartment which appeared to be really difficult as a foreigner. Then I changed my working place almost at the same time. And I am still writing on my
phd thesis as a side job.

This is already a situation, where even NT can go mad, sometimes.

But for aspies this is near to getting killed by stress.

So, whatever happened, when you are in the situation of recognizing yourself as aspie try to avoid those. Dont do too many changes at once.
For me that wasnt possible. If I wouldnt have changed my working place back then in beginning 2012 I would have been unemployed by now...

But, there are usually some formal kind of things you'll always be able to decide by yourself. Those kind of "do not do" things.
"Not to do" something is maybe easier than to do something. Think twice before stressing yourself!

3) Dont be too optimistic about that there will be many aspies here that are like you

Now that I am around here for about 2 months I have got the impression that
aspies are much more different from person to person than NTs ever could be

Basically everybody is more or less on its own and in its own world

The other aspies here will though realize your problems and they will try to understand you and they will try to help you.
(Although they are not necessarily best at it giving some advices)

4) You are potentially so different that nobody really will be able to help you

Well, maybe that is not entirely true. But there are quite problematic aspects of finding support by any means

and those are:

a) Common NTs wont be able to understand you. That is nothing new to you, because you'll have experienced that your whole life.

They will start wondering about you and this makes the situation actually worse than better.
They will start to tell you that you are stupid.
They will start to think about you being ADHD kind of strange person
They will start to attribute mistakes made by others to you

b) You dont want them to find out about your problems

c) Asperger is not a desease thus you cant heal it

So you'll quite easily be put into the box with all other mental ill people, for which the standard NT has absolutely no understanding

The problem is though that you are not normally in that mental state.
You'll know that kind of things already and maybe coped with it in your way.
But now they will think you are in there and you are totally aware of it.

d) Common treatment of depression potentially doesnt work on you
They wont tell you what you want to hear. They'll just repeat what you know already
and what you don't want to hear

e) The health care systems everywhere are overloaded.
They'll be happy to get rid of you because of not available times.
They'll send you from one person to another because nobody knows about it

f) you're not a man your not a deer and not even a panzer-grenadier
but you still look like human

which makes everybody believe that they'll know what is good for you...


5) You will realize what kind of useless your life has been all the time

Well, before you maybe didnt care, maybe just wondering, maybe not realising the whole of it.

Now it will come and hit you with the biggest hammer you can imagine.

You'll maybe realise that though you have put all afford into it
your life has been quite bad and failed to give you something to stand on something to be proud of.

(Which is anyway very difficult: To be proud of about whatever nice thing you've done)

6) You'll want to keep some of your own I

Because you are so different than everybody else, you would have to change quite a lot
and a lot of things that are very important to you

7) You'll realize what the anxiety attacks are

and you'll find out that it is the thing that makes you doing stupid things and going crazy

Still you'll look back on times when you had less problems

the times when you were not caring so much about your problems

9) you'll feel quite hopeless that anything ever is going to be again as it maybe was sometime before


10) Some of your aspie symptoms that weren't there will start to appear

for me that where (which I didn't in particular have)

a) Feel uncomfort in big crowds
b) More paranoias about that you are recognised as something strange or unbearable
(which is at least maybe partially true)
c) Unable to do things (much more than before)
d) People will be easier upset by you
e) Understanding, social skills will get worse

Here, I am not at all sure if there any aspie related symptoms in the first place

just that

when we are young and also elder we are quite on our own and in principle have no interest in learning these rules
because they are not logically understandable

It is the way of thinking and feeling which is different

there are shortcomings in working memory or what it is such that we get quite easily overloaded

we want to be sure about everything and we want to go into details
no matter if they are considered rubbish by others or not
(Well let the others think, because they are often just wrong wrong wrong)

11)To make it clear what situation we're in and what NTs expect from us I'll use some picture

Imagine you are somewhere deep in a huge funnel type of thing and running like a hamster in his wheel.
Now it is not that easy because you'll have to run that fast that you can keep your level to not drop further into it.

In the bottom of the funnel there is a hole, but not big enough that you would fit through. Every now and then you are just stuck in that hole.
But you stand up and start to run again, around and around.

The faster you run the higher it will push you up automatically because of centripetal forces

Now there are lots of people in the race. NTs will run at somewhat higher level because they can maintain a higher speed at nearly no cost compared to you. But that's not enough, because every now and then they'll try to get into your way to make you slowing down,
and that, although they dont rise up in their own level (some though will even push you and gain real speed by themselves)

Now, everybody has agreed to run in this device, and they'll expect you to run at the same level and when they realise that you are on somewhat higher level they'll try to pull you down, because you are different

NTs when they fall into the funnel they will easier fit through that hole but they'll have it also much easier to stand up and rise up again,
because their average speed is higher and got with lower energy investment.

As an aspie, when you have been running like hell for a while and you fall it is quite probable that you'll stay on top of the hole for quite a while


Just to be very clear: The earlier you'll find out you're aspie, the better
(Or then you dont want to find out)

I do relate to what you are saying, I am in a similar situation. You seem to be a bit down, well not strange taken the circumstances. I am certanitely not in a good mood, but it is always easier to tell other people than to do anything about your own case

I think some of the desperation (yours, mine and others) is due to the fact that we find out so late, and when we find out it is because the situation is really bad/despeate. I have huge logistic constraints in my own life, ones that my now ex. husband was sure to impose on me when he left (after a longish time of psycological abuse). I think that many people (also NT people, a lot of people have told me that they would probably do in a situation like mine) would break down and get eg. a depression in a similar situation. So on top of everything else we do have to find out about living with AS and coming to terms with that. The odds are not in our favor but I still find it a fabolous thing that I found out about the AS. It makes me so much stornger as I now realize that I am not lazy, stupid, mad or otherwise fit for the closed ward.

I do not relate me finding out about AS with everything going wrong Actually I do think that finding out about my AS, when everything is falling apart is making me much stonger and more able to cope.

i think you might get better results with this post if you put it in the general discussion rather than the adolescent forum. hope this helps

When I got my diagnose at the age of 9, it felt as it a huge burden was lifted off my shoulders because I finally knew what was "wrong". Aspergers, to me, is a huge advantage (even though it has it ups and downs). You'll feel shocked at first but it'll get better.