Eating disorder

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Hi everyone,

I'm Jack, 14 years old, diagnosed with Asperger's. I am going through a lot at the moment - and that's even by my usual standards of being prone to depression and anxiety - but one thing that's been going on is that I feel like I have really mild anorexia. It's stemming from a lot of things. My depression has been way worse than usual, and that has a lot to do with it. I just want to have control over something in my life, and I have something of a bipolar self-esteem. One of my friends is dealing with what would probably be clinically diagnosed as anorexia at the moment, as well as all sorts of mental health problems that she's always had. I'm really worried about her, but some of it is also rubbing off on me. Also, I'm struggling with my gender identity, trying to figure out if I'm a girl, or non-binary, or just a boy going through a phase, so yeah, I kind of hate my body lately.

It's really been bothering me. The past few days I've been eating a fair bit and not feeling guilty, but most of the time I really struggle with it. I sort of want to restrict my eating, but I swear I never have the willpower, and I have my parents watching over me the whole time, so there isn't really that much I can do. It's nothing too serious as far as behaviour goes, just skipping the occasional meal, trying not to snack and making an effort to exercise, but psychologically, with all the guilt and everything, it really makes me feel bad. I know it's uncommon in boys, but as I mentioned before, I'm becoming more and more certain that that's not what I am.

Please, any thoughts or suggestions will be appreciated,
Jack

Hey. I don't really know anything about eating disorders, but as a trans girl, I can help you work through some of your gender feelings. PM me if interested.

Hey Jack, I've had an eating disorder since I was about 10 (I'm 22 now), so maybe I can help?

Firstly, my sympathy for you being a boy with an eating disorder. I'm a girl and my parents still can't fathom my ED, so it must be especially hard as a boy where you're not expected to have one.

In my experience, anorexia has a relationship with your changing body. You and your friend are still in your teens and there's a lot of development to process there, both physically and mentally; it easily becomes overwhelming. If your parents are onto your ED then they will keep a closer eye on you, and notice you skipping meals etc.. But, as I'm sure you know, if you really want to get away with it, then you can. I went through this whole phase of not eating my packed lunch or not eating food at home, and hiding it in my room or in my schoolbag. Whenever my parents found evidence of my eating disorder, they would get really angry at me; I know now that this was just because they were scared/confused at the harm I was doing to myself, but at the time it made it very hard for me to cope. I needed someone to talk to, and instead I got shouted at and just retreated further into myself. I still have a pathological fear of being told off, and I apologise compulsively for things which aren't my fault! Anyway, if your parents are angry with you, try and understand that they are possibly just scared for you; if you can articulate that you need help, then maybe they can offer it. I wish I'd had the clarity to do that at your age.

I've seen a few studies linking autistic behaviours and eating disorders; not necessarily saying that one causes the other, but that they overlap quite a bit. Personally with my high functioning autism I am very compulsive and become dedicated to routines. I also like to remember reams of information. This fits into my eating disorder because I can rigidly control what and when I eat, justify my choices with an extensive knowledge of calories and the health properties of foods, and compulsively exercise.

I hope you and your friend get the help you need, and that you don't end up like me; over a decade of anorexia and no progress towards getting better. I think that after a while of living with a mental illness, it becomes such a strong part of your personality that you can't envision losing it. When I think of my character without an ED and without depression (without autism, even), there's just nobody there anymore. Maybe there never was; I've been like this since I was a kid after all. If you want to PM me at all, please do. And please try and connect with your parents (or a suitable authority figure, a doctor, teacher etc.) if you want help, and if you feel you are in a position to do so. They will take you more seriously because your friend is already (publicly) suffering. Good luck.