I'm a teen & need advice. Not sure if I'm on the spectrum

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Hey, I'm 14 years old and I scored 116/200 on the neurodiverse (aspie) score and scored 108/200 on the neurotypical (non-autistic) scale. I have depression and anxiety, although I cannot see medical attention for it for personal reasons.

For most of my life up until around fifth and sixth grade I have struggled with selective mutism and extreme social anxiety. I have recovered well from both now, although it was extremely hard and I am still a bit shy today. Unfortunately I have taken to coping with my problems by cutting/burning myself.

I am bad at replying to texts or keeping long term relationships with friends, oftentimes distancing myself from them in the end. After so many failed relationships I feel very lonely and jealous of other people. When I was struggling with selective mutism I heavily relied on my older brother as a "safe person", and could only feel normal in public with him around. I have taken steps to distance myself from him to become more independent on my own, but I am still having trouble. (Any tips?)

I have breakdowns and can get in very, very angry anxious moods (sometimes triggered if I make a mistake or sparked by a bad memory) and can lash out but 90% of the time it is at myself. When angered or anxious, I rock back and forth and scratch at my arms and legs until irritated or bleeding and suffer from violent intrusive thoughts and often repeat numbers and words to myself.

I also repeat noises to myself (humming, singing, certain words) a lot especially when I'm bored or daydreaming. Like humming the word "cat" several times or repeating certain phrases until they feel right. I also love to swing my arms and spin in circles, or tap on things,etc because they make me feel good? In a comforting sort of way.

Even when I was little I noticed that none of my family members enjoyed doing these certain weird things as much as I do, and I think they thought it was a thing I'd grow out of but I still do it. When I start to swing my arms or start singing randomly now, they'll get angry and tell me to stop being a r*tard or shut up. They say I'm "mocking" autistic people for doing those things even though I'm not trying to. I often get teased for being "lofty"/"stupid".

I am currently living with my mom and brother and my dad is (deceased). My brother is currently seeing a therapist for depression. I'm not sure if we can afford another therapist and I become paralyzed and have a meltdown when I start talking about my problems with my irl friends, and even opening up to my brother who is my "safe person" is very difficult. I have tried 7cups of tea and it helped A LOT to talk about my problems but I need a real therapist, someone who I can actually talk to. My mom says the anxiety is all in my head, and most of the time she sees my brother's depression as being lazy. I don't know what's wrong with me or how I can get help or cope with this

**Sorry if this was too long and personal I just feel like im running out of choices and i think ive googled every possible solution and question im. kind of desperate and I feel so selfish and guilty and scared im making up my symptoms in my head or exaggerating

No advice, sorry, but would some solidarity help?

I am also undiagnosed, and my family becomes angry if I bring up my ASD suspicions, so I cannot talk to them about it. I will probably just wait until I am an adult and can independently seek a diagnosis. Until I joined WP (less than a month ago), I had kept my suspected ASD largely a secret from everybody I know for 5 years (since I was 11). If I display any ND symptoms, my parents (both of whom are actually doctors) tell me to 'stop being weird' or 'try harder'. I don't have anyone IRL that I can trust enough to tell.

I only made my first proper friend when I was 13 years old. This person has now moved overseas, and I have totally lost contact due to technical issues to do with communication. I have always had difficulty coping in social situations, and am extremely shy. I have stims, which I sometimes cannot cope without. I forcibly minimise them in front of my family so that I don't get in trouble.

I suffered (non-clinically diagnosed) depression in primary school, as I had no friends, a bad relationship with my parents (still existing), and no academic challenge at school. I engaged in some self-harming behaviour at this time. I still use pain stims regularly, but in a non-damaging way (digging nails into hands etc.).

I hope you find the help or advice you required here on WP. I am also seeking advice constantly. I find it also helps just to be able to discuss my difficulties and thoughts (as I don't have this ability IRL).

Good luck

Is there a counsellor at your school? If I were you I would make an appointment with a counsellor at your school and tell them all this. It might help you feel better confiding in someone that would listen to you.

Unfortunately i'm unable to give any more advice rather than that - but speaking to a counsellor about this could really help as they could then tell you the next step you should take. Good luck and I hope this helped you!

It's hard to tell if you're on the spectrum, but it definitely sounds like you have some serious problems with mental health that you should do something about. I'm also fourteen, and I'm having a pretty hard time with mental health at the moment too, so I sort of know how it feels. Talking to someone can feel awkward, but I've had a couple of appointments with a counsellor at school, and it was nice to at least be able to talk stuff over. I strongly recommend that you try to find someone who can help you with your depression and anxiety. Maybe they can also look at you getting an official diagnosis.

Feel free to PM me if you need someone to talk to.
Best wishes,
Jack

Hi, I wish I could give you good advice but I'm not a psychologist and I don't want to say anything that could misguide you. However I hope you know you're not alone, and you deserve someone to talk to who can help you. I know going through anxiety, depression and intrusive thought is horrible and you may feel like you're on your own but you're not! On wrong planet we're all here for you Like other posters have said, I agree you could talk to someone at school - It could be anyone like a trusted teacher, and even if they are not a counsellor they will be able to organise something. It will get better and you won't feel like this forever

I really hope you feel better soon, I'm sorry I can't give amazing advice but we're all here to support you!!