If I can act neurotypical, should I?

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Hello all. I'm a 17 year old who has recently been told by my psychologist that, in their opinion, I almost definitely have ASD. I was seeing them originally for unrelated, different reasons. I'm now in the process of being diagnosed officially.

Apparently the reason it has taken so long for the topic to come up is because as a young child I was indirectly made to feel ashamed of my Aspie traits and I learned how to cover them up to avoid being called 'strange'. This happened for so long that it stopped being a conscious process. Because I've never been anyone else, and I've never talked to anyone about their brains and the ways they think, I kind of assumed that everyone was like me and felt the way I did about things. Apparently not.

However, because I was so afraid of being different as a kid, I learned how to appear "normal". So I don't stim in public, I can force myself to make eye contact, and I act calm when faced with sensory issues. I spend my day thinking about every social interaction I've had, what I said, how I think they reacted, what was on my face, if there is any way I could have misinterpreted the other person, if it's possible that they were being sarcastic and things like that, to help me get better at fitting in. Nobody would know I was autistic if they met me, because I made it that way.

My issue is that this is exhausting. It has made me very depressed since I was 12 (although I didn't know this was the cause until recently). Now I know that there's a reason for me to be different, a large part of me wants to stop pretending. I want to stim whenever I feel like it, it makes me feel better. I want to accept that sometimes I don't understand social situations. I want to be me I guess.

But a part of me also feels like that if I can fit in, I should at least keep trying to. I feel guilty about all the people with ASD who can't act neurotypical, when I can. And the truth is that I want to be neurotypical, quite badly. But it seems I just can't force it. I don't want to "regress" and act "more autistic" but I also want to stop repressing my true feelings and act how I feel I need to.

I just need some advice I suppose. Have any of you been in a similar situation? I feel very torn at the moment. What should I do?

Thank you, and apologies if I offended anyone.

in retrospect i think this is exactly what i've been doing... unfortunately i don't think i have any advice to give, but i'll wait with you because i think whoever replies next will have something that benefits us both.

Masking is a type of coping skill. So if you are good at it, I personally recommend that you continue.

"I spend my day thinking about every social interaction I've had, what I said, how I think they reacted, what was on my face, if there is any way I could have misinterpreted the other person, if it's possible that they were being sarcastic and things like that, to help me get better at fitting in." I can understand why that would make you very exhausted.

Most Aspies need to recharge their batteries by having some alone time.

When I was growing up I suffered greatly from the physical and psychological abuse (bullying) from my peer group. So I am a loner and happy being a loner. I am not part of any herd.

Many animals naturally live and travel together in groups called herds. They form into groups and act collectively without centralized direction. Examples include: zebras, buffalos, sheep, cattle, antelopes, deer, elephants, giraffes and camels. By sticking together in a herd, they reduce the chance of being singled out and becoming the one animal that gets killed by the predator.

Separation from the herd, isolation, is seen as dangerous and life threatening for these species. An animal separated from the herd may exhibit behaviors associated with fear reactions (such as elevated heart rate, shaking, and hypersensitivity to sounds and other senses). Separation triggers fear-based behaviors.

In my opinion separation from the herd in humans is the root cause of several of the Aspie negative traits. Many Aspies report living in a state of constant fear. They are always on high alert for signs of danger. They exhibit strange behaviors similar to those exhibited by animals separated from their herd. These negative traits include: hypersensitivity to senses (sight, smell, hearing, taste, and touch), sensory overload and shutdowns, gastrointestinal problems related to prolonged stress, mental health problems/psychological disorders (depression, self harm, eating disorders, bipolar disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder), and muscle or vocal ticks.

Some Aspies have given the follow advise in dealing with depression and other mental health issues from prolonged stress. Some types of therapy are very beneficial. Therapy targeting fear and stress such as programs that treat PTSD (posttraumatic stress disorder) help. These include somatic experiencing, beam life coaching, Tipi emotional regulation therapy, and exposure therapy. Now I have not personally tried any of these programs because I have learned to shed stress. But after reviewing the approach used in some of these therapies, it make sense to me and I take these individuals at their word.

I think it is your decision. There are studies that have linked masking to future emotional problems, but it can also be a skill to blend it. It's up to everyone to weigh the pros and cons I guess.

I kind of do it, but it takes energy. Typically I just avoid people altogether and get immersed in school or hobby related activities. I did join a fraternity for engineers but aside from that I'm no social butterfly. But I don't really need the validation of others, I'm usually better than the people who dislike me anyway, as in mentally superior.

You should just be yourself, as cheesy and corny as that sounds. For years I must have acted NT just enough because I wasn't even diagnosed until I was an adult, but my life was almost completely ruined because I couldn't emotionally or physically take it anymore.

Hey there! I've been in a similar situation, and if possible, I think it is best to be yourself and let yourself stim and be socially awkward . I was working part time a couple summers ago, and because I "masked" my traits so much and forced myself to fit in and be "normal" and act like a good employee, I suffered from autistic burnout/shutdown and had to quit work. It's not worth the cost in the end. Sometimes it's ok to "fit in" for short periods of time, but I DO NOT recommend doing this for extended lengths of time. You will crash and burn in the end. Also, I find that even when I act "neurotypical" people still catch on to my weirdness. Maybe I'm not as good at blending in as I think I am. Anyways, it really just depends on the situation.

But if you "mask" your traits all the time, and then have a meltdown in public (like I did) it may be harder to explain yourself to people.

It's a big dilemma for many people with autism to face.

To me, life is survival, battle and overcoming obstacles. Each day is filled with a series of such challenges. While most people don't think of life in this way and don't even give thought to daily challenges, they just do them, it's like I'm "in the jungle". Survival. And the same challenges are always challenges for me; they always take the same amount of mental energy.

I'm almost 50 and I've been gainfully employed for over thirty years. I could not have advanced in my career if I wouldn't have "masked" or if I wouldn't have filtered my thoughts before speaking. The simple fact is that this is an NT dominated world. There's the saying, "When in Rome, do as the Romans do." I studied others and did the best I could to emulate them to try to fit in and I've been able to do that with decent success.

Like you're already figuring out, OP, wise beyond your years, is that it does come at a cost. For me that drain, little by little, takes a toll. Autistic burnout is a real thing. Last year I finally decided I couldn't do it anymore and decided to change jobs for something that's hopefully less stressful. I'm now in a period of my life where a primary goal of mine is to de-stress as best I can. I have not self-identified at work. Therefore when I must, I still "mask" (e.g. meetings and interacting with coworkers), but with my current job, thankfully those times are minimal.

Bottom line for me (it might be different for you) is that I could not have achieved what I have had I not "masked" along the way. I won't say I regret "masking" because of this, but I am very much aware now, of the cost.

I think you should do what you feel comfortable doing. I honestly have never had an option to act neurotypical because I was diagnosed very young and I also have a lot of communication challenges. People can tell I am different.

I would act as ”neurotypical” as possible when I’m in the midst of a job interview.

If I’m in college, anything goes—as long as you don’t disrupt the class.

Acting “neurotypical” doesn’t have to be anti-autistic. There are times when what seems like “neurotypical” behavior is actually “human” behavior.

I had this same thing. I used to constantly force myself to act neurotypical, I memorised facial expressions and what different quirks of the muscles meant, became pretty good at small talk by making scripts, would hold eye contact. I would keep my hands still, monitor what I was saying so I didn't go on tangents-- I was 'normal' but I wasn't me. My girlfriend had gotten me to loosen the act, to relax for once, and I realised how much,, happier I was. I was ok with making my hands dance around and drum on the table around her- it was ok for me to rock back and forth, even if I was only comfortable with doing it subtly for now. I didn't force myself to speak constantly, and I noticed that I had more energy at the end of the day and that I didn't burnout as frequently.

It was more difficult to make the transition around everyone else, but I found that most people didnt care, or if they did didn't say much. I made it gradual, and still low key- it could be interpreted as just Normal Neurotypical Idle Figiting. I voiced when I was a bit uncomfortable in situations and let myself have some room to breath. The headache card works great when you're overwhelmed and don't want to explain why you need to leave.

I felt more genuine, and happier then I had been for a long time. It began kind of anxiety wracking to begin with because I started panicking about what people would think of me, but it was worth it.

What is act Neurotypical mean?

In some situations yes

In some situations no

You determine which situations

Cost benefit analysis

Seconded!

It's great that you've realised that you have a choice, and that you're clear about what the costs are. I wasn't diagnosed until I was 45, and up until that point, I didn't think that I had a choice - I thought that it was so essential that I would beat myself up if my autistic traits started showing even when I was alone. I paid for it big-time; chronic anxiety, multiple periods of acute depression, and burn-outs which ended many jobs and relationships - trying to work out the reason for all that was what led to my diagnosis. The danger is that the stress of masking will lead to burning out; and when you burn out, you're also faced with having no choice - your brain becomes too fried to mask, so your autistic traits are revealed whether you like it or not.

I now think of masking as just a tool - a coping strategy that can be very useful in some situations, but isn't worth paying the price for in others. And it's not an all or nothing choice - for example; I suppress some stims that I know would be disruptive for other people, but allow the others to show sometimes. I'm not finding it easy to work out when and where I can lower my mask, and when I do, it still makes me feel uncomfortably exposed sometimes. Maybe it's also a little harder at my age, as there are so many people who've only ever known my mask for so many years.

Unfortunately, you can only really work this out by risking a few experiments to see what the reactions are, and then thinking about how comfortable you are dealing with those reactions. I've actually been pleasantly surprised at how easily most of my friends and family have accepted a bit of stimming, taking more breaks to relieve sensory overload, being more honest about being uncomfortable with certain environments etc. However, "your milage may vary"; a lot depends on what the people are like in your social circle - I still mask to the best of my ability around people who are dismissive of autism-awareness, especially if I don't have much contact with them anyway.

Nevermind I know what mean now not autism

I'll echo the others. Masking is useful. Whatever you want to accomplish in life will be made easier if you can mask when necessary. Masking is also tiring, and will always be tiring, so plan your endeavors with that in mind.