i need to talk. TW sh, depression

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so im new here and the only reason i joined is because i just really need to vent. im 13 years old and autistic. i haven't been diagnosed for very long, around a few months. i hate being autistic. i really, really hate it. i cant even talk about how i feel because the only response ill get is 'everyones special in their own way' or some f*****g BS like that. no one listens. no one understands. i dont have any autistic friends so no one i know gets it, the only thing my mum says is 'you're not that autistic'. she doesnt know how to deal with me. my school cant deal with me. the only thing im ever told is how 'its ok to be different'. not to me it isn't. why me? why am i the one whos different? why cant i be like everyone else? why cant i be normal? why do i have to be the one who has to deal with people saying the most horrible s**t to me? whenever someone says something horrible to me because of my autism everyones like 'its ok, they didnt know what they were doing, they'll grow up and learn, you just have to wait' and IM the one who has to just suffer through their ignorance. ive tried to commit suicide more times than i can count. its been like this for so long and ive bottled up my emotions for ages and i just cant take it anymore. im severely depressed, so depressed i got a uti from not getting out of bed to f*****g piss. there are hundreds of cuts up my arms, i go weeks without brushing my teeth, i can barely get up in the morning. i go to school every day and mask and try to fit in so much its f*****g pathetic, im not the same person i was. i used to talk about what interested me, what actually f*****g liked but now i only talk about what my friends want to talk about. ive changed so much and i dont even recognise myself, and its so, so tiring pretending to be someone im not day in and day out so i dont annoy people and so i can have friends and not be a f*****g loser. every mistake made when socialising is my fault. every little f**k up i feel horrible about, i feel so f*****g stupid and ret*d. probably the worst part about all of this is that there is no cure for autism. im stuck like this for the rest of my life. im stuck being the weird kid, the 'special' kid, the autistic kid.

Definitely, one can't live like this.
It's a great thing about ageing that, over time and life experience, you can care less and less about what other people think.
Is there any situation where you can be yourself?

Are you sure you're not overlooking any potential friends?
I had a few back in school.
What things did you used to talk about which got you ostracised?