Am I gay?

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Honestly, I have no idea.

All my prepubescent kind-of sexual experiences (all of the "let's play doctor!" variety) were with girls. When I was twelve I spent an entire night begging my female friend to kiss me. Why was I so upset when she did not indulge my fancy? I have no idea.

I have had, over the course of my life, four occasions of romantic inclination toward boys. The first was a crush in fifth grade that thankfully went nowhere. The second time in ninth grade I allowed a boy to start flirting with me because it was flattering, and he rewarded me with sexual harassment and sexual assault (under TN law, cornering a girl and forcibly groping her is labeled assault rather than harassment). I had a boyfriend this summer. Kissing him was satisfactory, but then I had a dream in which I kissed a girl. After the dream I found my boyfriend repulsive, so I dumped him viciously. Finally, I wrote a love letter to a boy with Asperger's because I was lonely. Bad call: his crazy-Jesus-lady mother banned me from contact with him.

I, ummmm, have sexual fantasies about both boys and girls. The fantasies
about boys are bizarre and neurotic. I am either cruel beyond reckoning or insist on mothering a vulnerable man. Either way it's all about punishment and power, and I am the dominant figure. Freud would have loved me.

My, uh, fantasies about girls are about, uh, simple love and sex. There is no power struggle. Just two girls on equal footing, and in love.

I am confident that I could never romance a man. Is it homosexuality, or is it fear that pushes me away?

During the mock trial for Napoleon my history class threw last year, a girl I had previously seen only in blue jeans dressed impeccably as a lawyer in a gray women's suit jacket and skirt with shiny, black stiletto heels and her thick, mouse-brown hair tumbling over her shoulders. This is the only time I have felt pure animal magnetism. When we gathered at the stand for council, she put her hand on the podium, and I wanted badly to touch it. I have no idea why. She did not exactly have a lustrous personality.

You sound a lot like me. I chose to label my feelings as bisexuality. That label may fit you as well!

Many AS females are bi or lesbian.Its becaose the masculine side of the AS brain is dominant.

MissPickian,

Thanks for sharing such an intimate part of yourself. Every time I read one of these GLBT personal accounts I feel a little more enriched. I applaud your courage and your ability to face your own truth.

-Pete

I'm naturally self-searching and candid. Sometimes it scares people. I'm glad WP provides me with an outlet besides my mother. Not that my mother is unsatisfactory. She is just one woman, though.

Hi MissPickian, about OP: I don't know. Maybe. But then again you are 16 and one's sexuality isn't quite fully developed. I've read that often teenagers, with their thoughts/fantasies do 'experiment,' sexually. So I wouldn't be in a rush to assign yourself - maybe wait and see? Sometime you'll find the right one, whether male or female.

As agmoie stated, there is a higher incidence of homosexuality/bisexuality in AS individuals. I am a very feminine female, and heterosexual, which isn't as common in Autie/Aspies. But cognitively I'm analytical and prefer men, as a rule (not always). Women can be confusing to me and men just treat me better.

Either way, MissPickian, is fine; human sexuality is a spectrum! One's sexual orientation, according to 'experts,' happens at about age 4 or 5 ish. But that doesn't come into fruition until later. I agree with slowmutant too - you are very candid, always! I am too - I like your qualities and your honesty.

I am not gay. I am just trying to find a girl that will love me and care for me.

Well let me ask you this: If you found a male that was just about everything you look for and then a female with the same characteristics (mainly personality I mean here not looks) which would you go with?

Probably female. I'm attracted to women, and men bring out my neuroses.

What kind of neuroses?

The urge to dominate, to be cruel, to tease, to hurt. Men make me into a person I hate. It probably has its roots in something that happened when I was, like, two, but I can't afford ten years of psychoanalysis to find out. Lesbianism seems to be the cheaper alternative, ha ha ha.

I think I can love women unobstructed, as I don't feel like I need to consolidate power when I am with women. That doesn't mean I'm biologically a lesbian, though.

If I was a man, I would encourage me to be a lesbian for the good of all other men. Because I'm a neurotic b***h around men.

Sounds to me like you're in denail about your sexuality. Butch lesbians can be as testosterone-fuelled as men. You think women don't play power-games?

BTW what's a biological lesbian?

I didn't say there is no politics among lesbians; there is politics in all human endeavors.

What am I in denial about, exactly?

Slowmutant,

I found your posts on the California thread.

Judging by your opinions and your choice of words ("no social conscience," "fudgepacking"), I seriously doubt you could be objective on this subject. You aren't helping me find out whether I am actually a lesbian; you are trying to push me away from the idea because you dislike homosexuality for whatever reason. Sneaky!

Look, I don't really like gay culture either. It strikes me as decadent, shallow, and loud, especially the male side. However, no opinions of mine could change the way I am, whatever it is. If opinions were changes, there would be no such thing as "being in the closet".

I ask for anyone, including you, with a political agenda to get the hell off my thread. Can the personal NOT be political for one day of our lives??

Scram, ye dogs!
MissPickwickian.

Vaguely sexual pre-pubescent actions don't say much about what someone's actual sexual orientation is, as far as I'm aware. I kind of wanted to be gay as a kid because I wanted to be contrarian and keep away from girls but I ended up fancying people of the opposite sex and exclusively developing sexual feelings for women so there you go. It was totally out of my own control.

Also, many straight people can have crushes on the same sex that are really down to admiration or obsession more than sexual attraction. I'd imagine that's the same for many gay people and the opposite sex as well. If you haven't decided yet then that's fine. You're still very young.

Yes, I've had a few "man-crushes" of my own. A non-sexual attraction to a member of the same sex, affection and admiration instead of sexual desire. That's it exactly.