matrix wrote:
WushuTricks wrote:
Mine's going downhill. I used to be really good in school but now I'm losing the will to do school work, I'm getting very addicted to the computer, I constantly procrastinate and find excuses not to do homework, I'm not happy with my body, I have a horrible social life, and I don't think my future looks very good. What I never expected or dispised to happen is now happening and I feel like my whole life is a contradiction. And the funny thing is that I know it's happening, I know how to solve it, but I just can't no matter how hard I try. It's like half of my brain is telling me to straighten up but the other half is saying, "tough sh*t, I don't care".
I know exactly what you're talking about as I still have a lab report due in a few hours. You are told that as long as you keep As and Bs you will do great. Then life happens. You are not a contradiction, the "system" is, but don't dwell on that too much. College seems distant as my act scores are mediocre because I can't focus. My social life is lagging badly as I have this tendency to be enjoyable for a while then become a mixture of weird and honesty that is repulsive to most. I'm just good at small doses, not sleepovers or movies. The "nice guys" who gave me a social life are either graduated or locked into an abusive relationship.
I started drama [propaganda dept.] this year and it helps me find a meaningful destination. Find a part-time job too, for no matter how crappy it is (and mine is pretty crappy but routine-driven) you feel reliable, and money helps.
I feel exactly the same as Wushu described. I really appreciate the bit about getting a part-time job, matrix. I'm planning to do this and get away from the online music communities that I've been obsessing over.
I have to force myself to not make music for a while so that I can complete my resume and start applying. It's very hard because of all the emotions I have locked up... I can't talk to any of my friends because my sleep schedule is messed up and they're all working.. thus, there's no way for me to phone them up without drinking a ton of caffeine.
I actually quit taking classes and working a job at the college. I basically hate myself at this point, because I suddenly become weird and honest like matrix described. When I get to that point, people become scared, angry, and want to forget about me and never see me again. This has happened a lot of times.
As soon as I make a huge mistake, screw everything up, I have no other option but to explain that I have this syndrome... and most people don't believe it. I then become heart-broken, confused, and very nihilistic. I have to argue with myself to tell myself that I'm worth something. The part that helps me is that a few of my friends do care about me and have patience because they actually love me (in a platonic way) for who I am. Those are the ones who believe in me and tell me to keep going.
I've been a big part of a certain online music community that I'd rather not specify. There is one person who inspired me to start writing my own music about 3 or 4 years ago. This person is very psychologically damaged and has given me the message that I am evil and that I should give up on everything. I wish I had never heard his music, because I feel that he has been a source of all kinds of pain since I started e-mailing and messaging him.
I talked to another person about this, and they simply told me to keep making music and be happy. I know it's possible, but it's going to be gradual. I'm glad that I've set goals for myself; I know that I can reach them eventually. The most important part for me is learning how to focus.
I'm planning to get a part-time job very soon, so that I can save myself from the depression of hiding.
Hopefully, I can prove to people that our conditions are not a myth or excuse. So many people have told me "that's not true, you're just making that up.. you're just a bad person and you chose to do that." It's like a very awful part of me chose to do these social mistakes. It's not another personality though! It's more like the negative energy that has found a way into my mind.
Again, much appreciation for the advice, matrix. I'll be focusing on positive thoughts for now, so that I can motivate myself to get a job. I found that music tends to help shape my emotions and perspective, so I'll choose something calming and hopeful.
By the way, I apologize for my huge, pedantic rant. I've read this forum a few times before and I finally got the courage up to register an account. I'm glad I did; I relate to everyone here and it's amazing to me.