My problems
23 Apr 2008, 5:19 pm
I should probally start by saying that I didn't know where to put this, so I'm putting it here. If anyone wishes to move it, they can. It could probally fit in just about any area of these forums almost. You see, this is the story of how aspergers ruined my life.
When I was young, I knew I was a bit different. My awareness was a lot better then a lot of kids. I wouldn't socialize as much. In fact, usually I would make one good friend and that's about it. I think this has something to do with aspurgers itself, because supposedly, little kids with aspurgers will pick one toy and play with it more then anything. They will pick one toy and it will be that one favorite toy they play with all the time. This is how I've always kinda been with friends.
I was diagnosed with aspurgers in kindergarden. I've show most of the signs, although I only have it mildly. In fact, technically, I don't really have it at all. I have a phycological (sp?) condition that is really close to aspurgers, but it's not reconized at all and doesn't have a name, therefore they diagnosed me with aspurgers so I would get all the help I would need.
First grade is when I really started to notice differences though. The kids would make fun of me and I would have no friends. I only had about two friends, and everyone else was mean to me. First grade was not a good year for me.
Second grade went okay. Third grade I would cry a lot when the teacher yelled at me for not getting homework in and stuff like that, but besides that it went okay. Fourth and fifth grade went fine. So elementary was fine, except I would still only have about 4 friends I would hang out with.
I should also mention something that's affected me my whole life that involves aspurgers, and it's the Alpha Smart I carry around. My motor skills are terrible mostly because I have aspurgers, and so I carry a little computer thing around all day with me to write on instead. It's not a laptop though. You could call it a digital typewriter. I can only type stuff on it as if it's a type writer, and I just hook it up to a computer to send it to microsoft word and print from there. It's kinda neat, but I hate it because it makes me different and I get made fun of because of it. Most people would probally love to have one. I just wish I could be normal.
I should also mention that all my life I've had sleeping problems. The reason I mention this is that it's supposedly a symptom of aspurgers. I was wondering how other people get around this problem?
Anyway, sixth grade went fine. Seventh grade was good. I didn't really make that many friends though. I mean I had a few, but they weren't exactly the nicest bunch. How many of you have ever been to 4chan or somethingaful.com or any gaming forums like that? Well my friends were the cyber idiots who harrass others for no apparent reason, and I would sometimes get that harrasment as well. Except in 8th grade where I made a new friend named Josh Daniels who is semi important to the story.
Finally Josh, me and the cyber idiots get into highschool. My freshman year was okay. My highschool has a great resource department. Anyway, I went through my freshman year, and at the end of my freshman year is where the real trouble begins.
In summer school that year, I met some new friends. Shannon and Penny. These were the first friends I've had that were girls. I mean, I've talked to girls and stuff, but never really had any that were good friends. Penny was bisexual and Shannon was an abused child, although I wouldn't find this out till later. That summer school year, Penny would get her first girlfriend and Shannon would get a boyfriend that I introduced her to. This was my first feeling with jelousy because I had a small little crush on Shannon. But I let it slide, but I now realize how powerful my emotions were. It seems, people with aspurgers have a bit more trouble with emotions and I only found this out a couple of days ago.
Anyway, during summer school, Penny would realize she doesn't like boys at all and would become a lesbian. This is significant. I must say I was a hardcore conservative before I met Penny, but anyone who's against gay rights, has never met a gay person, and now a lot of my political views have changed. I'm kinda inbetween republican and democrat, sometimes leaning more towards the liberal side. Anyway, as the school year went on, a lot of stuff happened. I would keep my little crush on Shannon a secret until MLK day when she threatened to commit suicide because of her parents. She was abused as a child in every way from physical to mental to sexual. She was also very pretty. And she didn't like me the same way I liked her. I began to get attached to both of them, including Penny. I would call her on the phone every day. Shannon's parents wouldn't let her talk on the phone, but me and Penny were on it all the time.
Eventually, Shannon had troubles with her boyfriend, and decided to make him jealous by dating me. I know, not a very good friend. Shannon never was really. It wasn't her fault. She too had a disorder like me and everyone who reads this forum, although I don't think hers was aspurgers, I think it was some other form of autism. Anyway, she went out with me for a week and during that week, I kinda fell in love, even though we never kissed or hugged or even held hands. We just kinda acted like we were friends, but she flirted with me a bit and told me we were going out.
Eventually after a week she dumped me and I was sad. I tried to get over it and couldn't except for one way. I asked out Penny.
I know this sounds stupid. What I'm about to tell you may get confusing at times, but please listen to my story, because I think the people on these forums are the only people who might understand me. I asked her out, and she said yes. I knew she would because she was extremly lonely, and felt sorry for the way Shannon treated me. She says now she was never actually attracted to me, but whet I really think happened was this condition thing, that has actually happened to one of her friends. What it is, and I forget the name of it, is when a straight person is attracted to someone of the same sex, just because that someone is their best friend. Her straight friend Petra has this condition for her. I think she had this, except she was a gay woman with a crush on her boy best friend. Anyway, I fell in love with her too, except we actually kissed and held hands and stuff. We even talked on the phone for 8 hours at one point. Life was great. It's the only time I can remember when I was actually that happened. But eventually, the lesbian side of her got to her, and she dumped me because of it.
Now after all this, your probally thinking I wasn't friends with either of them again. Wrong. They were still both my best friends, but eventually Shannon ran away from home and got arrested for it. This is actually a bad thing, because she was only trying to get away from her parents, and in the state I live in, runaway is not illegal, so you can't be arrested for it, but the local cops are stupid and did it anyway. They supposedly do that kinda stuff all the time that's against state law. Anyway, they put her in a special girls school about 5 hours from where I live. We still wrote for a while, and I even got to see her on Christmas Eve where she told me she did love me back, and we even kissed, but that's further into the story.
Anyway, the next school year of course was my junior year since all of that happened my sophmore year. At the beginning of the school year, Penny got a new girlfriend who was a real b***h to me. She would try to get Penny to stop hanging out with me. I was seen as a threat, and many times her plans would almost work, but usually I would get help from a teacher or a friend and Penny wouldn't stop hanging out with me. She was my best, and honestly my only friend since Josh had to leave Mt. Vernon this year. Eventually, they broke up because Penny's girlfriend cheated on her. Penny was heartbroken, but things between us have never been the same since. She's my only friend at my school which makes it much worse.
Recently, I've supposedly been too clingy. She accused me of trying to hold her hand when I haven't. She says I'm obsessed with her, and I think she only thinks that because other people say I am when I'm not. What's really going on is that I'm attached to her, the same way a little boy with aspurgers is attached to their toy, at least that's my theory that is.
To really get a grip on where I'm coming from, and how depressed I am, here's a blog I recently posted on myspace.
"I finally figured out how to use my perfered list and just in time. I feel like there's nobody I can trust almost, the only ones I can trust are on this list. If your reading this blog, you should feel very special. Because it means your one of the few people in the world who I know I can trust with everything. One of the people I could tell anything to. I'm tired of everything. I'm tired of drama. I'm tired of Terra Cain being a b***h. I'm tired of that stupid band being over here all the time, eating us out of house and home when they don't even live here. I'm tired of being single and not being able to get a date to prom, or generally enjoy my teenage years because of it. I'm tired of everyone complaining to me all the time, and then not having time to listen to my problems. I'm tired of having to hear about people's boyfriends and girlfriends all the time or thier crushes or w/e. I'm tired of school and homework. I'm tired of my disabilities, and how I have to live with them. I'm tired of not being able to get enough sleep ever. I'm tired of feeling like I can't control my own life, because everyone else does. Most of all, I'm just generally tired of life.
Some people might say I sound emo. I probally am. I'm not sucicidal or anything like that, but I'm really depressed, and have been for a while, and haven't quite been able to express it until now. For the last year or so, I've had to deal with depression, with everyone making it worst. At times, it seems like people are trying to do it on purpose, although I know they aren't. I may sound like a hippocrit at times during this journal entry. Honestly, I don't care, because I have a lot of ranting to do right now, and I don't care a whole lot any more.
I should warn some of my greatest secrets are in this journal entry. Things I haven't even told Penny McCormick, my best friend. I do hope they continue to stay secret. If you don't think you can keep them secret, then please do not continue. Also, if you are offended easily, you also might want to not continue, because I probally will offend you at some point during this entry.
First, lets start with the thing I know your most tired of that I complain about the most. The being single thing. I hate it with a passion. I know people get tired of hearing me complain about this, but I really can't help but hate it. See, there are4 types of people in this world when it comes to social issues. There's nothing wrong with any of the four types of people. It's just different things that make people happy.
1. People who like to be alone - These people don't need friends and don't need love. They are happy with out all that stuff. They usually have something else that makes them happy. Sometimes they are techno geeks and that's what it is. Sometimes they have a pet they really love and care about so they don't need other friends. Sometimes they might be an actor or actress, caring only about thier passion. Sometimes it's other stuff too, but the point is, they don't need friends.
2. People who need friends - This is the catagory most people fall into. These people need thier friends to be happy, but don't need a boyfriend or girlfriend to be happy. This doesn't mean they don't have other passions like number 1. It just means they need friends and don't need a boyfriend or girlfriend, although this doesn't mean they won't have one.
3. People who need a lover - These people don't need friends to be happy, but need love. They need a boyfriend or a girlfriend at almost all times to be happy. Usually the type of people that get called whores or sluts, aren't usually whores or sluts, they just fit well in this category. This doesn't mean they don't have other passions, or won't have friends. It just means they don't need friends to be happy. They need a bf or gf.
4. People who need a lover and friends - This is the category I fit into. There are very few people who fit into this category but there are others besides just me. They must have both good friends and a boyfriend or a girlfriend to be happy. They can't just have one, or they won't be completely happy. This once again doesn't mean they won't have other passions.
Usually, to be completely happy, people will hang out with other people like them with out even realizing it. This partially explains the different social groups, although not completely. The problem is, I am number 4, which is very rare, yet can't find any other people like me. I can't find that speical woman just for me. I've tried. Part of the problem, is that I need a girl, who is also a number 4. Part of the problem is also my disabilities.
Have you ever heard of asburger syndrom? For those who haven't, click the below link.
(Insert link here that I'm not allowed to post yet)
If you know me in RL, it should start to sound very familar as you read it. I have it mildly, it still gets in the way. For one, I have trouble sleeping. I always have, but it's gotten pretty badly lately. After reading that article, I think that might have something to do with it. In fact, I have shown just about every sympton on that page now that I think of it, and of course I've been dignossed with it. How many of you have seen that Alpha Smart I carry around? Yep, it's related to this problem. This is why I'm in the recourse department. This is why it's so hard for me to do simple things like ask out girls, and get along with others. This is why in RL, I sometimes do strange things that most people don't actually do. Anyone ever seen me run through the hallway at lunch to get there? That's why. It's also kinda why I was crying at school today, although it also has to do with every other damn thing in this entry. Now most people would find this cool. They probally would want it. They get to carry around a cool keyboard thing, get away with running in the halls and get extra help on tests because of it. Well I hate it. I hate my disabilites, and would give just about ANYTHING in the world to be normal with everyone else. To not have to use the alpha smart. To be able to write with out difficulty. To be able to control the urge to run in the hall to lunch. I hate aspurger syndrom, which is why I give to much to people with disabilities. It's not as fun as it might seem. I'm quite glad I only have it mildly. A lot of people have it worst then me, but even midly it sucks ass, a lot.
How do I know so much about asburgers syndrom? Well, I remember when I was little and realized that I was different. I didn't realize how or anything, but I was scared and confused. Kids would treat me badly for things I would do and say. Most of these things, are a bit embarresing, but now that I know what aspurgers is, I know they can probally be linked to it. It sucks.
Now for the other stuff. I still can't find a date to prom and I hate that as well. Nobody seems to care either. I've tried everything, and it seems like everyone else already has a date, and enjoys bragging about it. It's all I hear about in the hallways, and all it does is make me feel worse. I really want to take Penny, but I know she won't go because she hates dances and dresses and stuff like that
Which brings me to another problem. Penny. Penny is my best friend in the whole world. I've never had a friend like that who understands me completley. Sometimes, I feel like we share brainwaves. Unlike me, she doesn't have aspurgers, and she is a lesbian, and there are some other small differences, but besides all that, we think a lot alike, and it almost seems like I can read her mind some times. But lately, supposedly, I've been too clingy. She doesn't want me to wait for her in the hallways. She only wants to see me at lunch and talk to me on the phone, and maybe hang out some times. She's my best friend, and really my only friend at school and she's being influenced into this decision by the biggest b***h of MV, Terra Cain.
I have nothing against people who hang out with Terra Cain, but if you do, your probally crazy. No offense to anyone, but it's true. She influences others in ways she shouldn't. She tries to get on people's nerves and for no reason at all. She hates me for no apparent reason, and tries to get Penny to stop hanging out with me. She has influcenced several people around her. Haley Richardson use to be nice, but now she's not. Terra changed her and she's trying to change Penny and I'm scared it's working. It isn't fair. Nobody seems to listen to me either when I say she's a b***h, which she is. She's not a nice person. She's very selfish, and I would know considering we use to kinda be friends. She expects everyone else to do her work for her, and only cares about sex and drama. Most of the drama at MV which everyone hates, can be trased back to her in some way or form, and I wish she would just stay out of business that isn't hers. So what if Penny's a lesbian and has a friend that's a guy. So what if I'm a little bit clingy. This isn't any of her business, and is between Penny and Me, not her. So she needs to just SHUT THE f**k UP!! !!
Also, anyone else who thinks it's their problem, should also shut the f**k up. This includes, but is not limited to, Haley Richardson, Damone Hicks, Ashely I don't know her last name, and all those other idiots.
Of course things were fine before Kristen Davis showed up, who is also a big fat b***h. This seems like it's all her fault. Penny didn't use to care before Kristen came along, and after they broke up, I thought things would go back to the way they were, but they didn't and now I'm sad.
I'm also tired of gay people. Okay, that came out wrong. Let me explain. I have nothing against gay people. I have nothing against lesbians or gays. I belive they should have the right to marriage and oddopt and all those other rights they want. What I'm tired of is hearing about them. Maybe it's natural since my best friend is a lesbian, but it seems like I hear waaaay to much about gay people every day, and you know, I get kinda tired of stuff after a while. I have made my opinion known, why must people keep bugging me about it? Also, why must people care so much about Penny and Meghan and new chick just because they are gay? They are no different besides that. Don't get me wrong, I love Penny to death, but it gets kinda annoying. Let me explain. At our table, Penny will tell a really nasty joke and everyone will laugh and find it funny. I could tell the same joke, and get ranched thrown at me. Part of it I think is because she's gay, and part of it is because I sit at a table of sexist women.
Which brings me to another point. NOT ALL BOYS ARE BAD!! !! !! !! I'm tired of sexism. It use to be that sexism against women was a problem, not it seems like it's all against guys. I can't go a day with out someone telling me how all boys are evil. Part of the reason I can't get a date is because girls think all boys are evil cheating bastards who want nothing but sex. Newsflash people, I don't want sex. Sex can wait. I want a relationship. I'm a boy and I'm not evil. There are other boys like me as well. Not all boys are evil. The problem is, girls always like the bad boys for some reason, The hot boy who looks good and gets into trouble and gets tattoos and stuff. NEWSFLASH: Hot boys are more likely to cheat because it's easier to get someone to cheat with and cheat on. For some reason, girls don't find me attrative. I don't know why. They all seem to think I'm ugly. I don't know why really. I know know what makes me different then most boys.
You know when a girl really likes a boy, they get all freaked out about it. They tell all their friends. They giggle when they see him and get all freaky. I've never had a girl do that to me. I've never had a girl like me and mean it. I've never had a girl in RL have a crush on me or have feelings for me in anyway. I don't know why. Most boys have had that at some point, I haven't. I've come close but Penny was a lesbian, and Shannon was just trying to get me off her nerves. So yeah. Not all boys are evil, you just need to find the right one.
I'm also tired of hearing about Blank Pages (My brother's band) and pretty much just tired of them in general. All my parents ever talk about is how great Daniel's band is. I never heard about Derek's animation skills or anything like that. I only hear about Daniel's band and David's stupid sports.
I'm also tired of them just walking in and eating all of our food. Hello people, I live here, I can't just go to my friend's house and eat all of thier food. They can go home or bring thier own food from home. This is my home, so I should get the food here, yet Daniel's band eats us out of house and home. When I have to make myself lunch or dinner, I usually can't find anything to eat because they've eaten it all as a snack. Yeah, that doesn't seem very fair to me.
Also, I'm tired of not having my own computer. Most teenagers my age do for some reason. It's even part of my interests. I plan to do a job with computers one day, just like Daniel wants to do music and David wants to do sports. Yet, my parents buy Daniel his music stuff, buy David his sports stuff and drive them all over the place to do their stuff, yet aren't willing to buy me my own computer? That doesn't quite seem right.
Also, on that topic, I failed the A Plus exam, and nobody's willing to let it go. Everyone keeps making fun of me for it just because I said I would a couple of times and it was an expensive test. It was also a very hard test, and I bet those people couldn't pass it either.
Sometimes, I just need to rant, and this has made me feel a bit better. I wish people would pick up their phones though. I've tried to call several of you to just talk about it with, but nobody picks up. Not a big problem though except for my mom's cell which is never picked up.
There's also a whole bunch of other stuff, including homework problems and social problems and just people being general asshats, and I'm just plained tired of it. I'll probally update this blog more as time goes by. I'm just having a sh***y time lately, and all I want right now is some good friends I could trust, a girlfriend I could cuddle with, and for my best friend to be my best friend again. Please leave all the comments you want about all the parts of the blog, because I could deffinantly use some advice. Or, if you want to just message me your advice or call me or something, that works fine too. I just want to get over it all."
AS you can tell from the blog, not only am I having these Penny problems, but I'm having a lot of other problems too, which most of which I think could be traced back to my aspurgers syndrome. Anyway, I wanted to just tell my story to some people who might understand and have been in the same situation. Right now I feel like I have no friends in the world. I just wanted to hear what other people with aspurgers think of my little situation, and if anyone else has ever been in a similar situation. I'm sorry about the big long rant btw. I'm just really depressed right now because of everything going on.
