I'm not selfish! Am I?

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Am I selfish that I don't do extra chores? I do all my own dishes, laundry, and cleaning up after myself. Yet my mother is always going on about you need to "contribute" to the family. I mean I even make all my own food! I don't have her do anything! Am I being selfish? I just don't get it...

Does she mean financially perhaps? As long as you don't leave things in a state she might just be having a go at you for no particular reason.

The honest answer is sort of. The thing you (and many young folks, not just aspies) don't realize is how much work and effort our parents spend (spent) on keeping us clothed, feed and housed. Everything you don't do, they end up doing, as well as everything they normally have to do.

The thing with a household (and just about everything) is that it's not a zero-sum game. Just doing "your stuff" doesn't equal out. Do you drive yourself everywhere? Buy your own food? Pay rent? Pay insurance? Clean the yard? etc...

Don't feel bad; this is a very hard thing to learn and some folks never do learn this. It's not an aspie thing but a general growing up thing. Doing more than what you believe is "yours" will help everyone including yourself.

Ya know I'm really clear with what I expect from my children. Extra chores? If I don't ask then I feel I'm wrong to call them selfish.Now somethings you can do without being told would be, help carry in groceries, or offer to help with the lawn. But honestly, I think your mom isn't being all that fair.

It may simply be that your Mom is asking for love.

I'm sure she wonders if she's done enough, herself, and the topic she brings up may be dear to her. She may wonder if she's done enough to make a difference in her child's eyes (especially since you "don't have her do anything"). Perhaps she feels, at some level of consciousness, that an effort, on your part, to show gratitude would tell her you really do appreciate all her hard work. I suspect that a special dinner, a bouquet of flowers, or any significant household project would all be good enough.

As both an Aspie and the father of Aspies, I can tell you I worry that I haven't done enough. And it's difficult waiting for my Aspie's to think to toss me any sort of emotional bone. Luckily, I know enough about how it works to not take it as personal rejection, but your mother may not be so savvy.

I bet she'd be a lot less frustrated if you schedule in a couple of buckets of shmaltz each week. Just something focussed on her and her hard work.

Watch her and see if she has a particular chore she does each week. If she grabs a broom at about 10am each Saturday morning, try and see what happens if you grab the broom at 9:30 one Saturday.

At the very least, her reaction will give you another data point you can use to figure it all out

It's not a question of selfishness. It's a question of learning how to communicate without words.

Netish and others-- underaged kids' parents get an ALLOWANCE from the GOVERNMENT to cover the kids' basic expenses like food, clothes, etc. Do they want you to pay rent despite being a minor? If so, you might want to call the Kids Help Phone or whatever they have down there!