Autism and Anger? What's the deal?

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To start off, I'm a slightly autistic male, in fact I have even a less severe form of autism than those who have Aspergers, I have P.D.D.-NOS, which means my symptoms can not be categorized in one set criteria. However this being said, I do consider myself autistic, despite my autism being relatively minor.

I don't mind being autistic, quite frankly it has enabled me to have excellant memorization skills, which do wonders in college. However I write this because it concerns one thing about my autism that drives me up the wall and pisses off when I reflect on it, the inability to feel anger or assertiveness in the manner that most people feel it.

Whenever I deal with anything aggressive, unfamiliar, or familiar in a negative way, I freeze up. It is like being a robot and being splashed with a bucket of water and short circuiting. I don't literally freez up, but deep inside I do, and I feel all rubbery and jello-like physically. It is a fear I can't explain or rationalize, I don't think "oh yeah, this is why I am afraid of this", it is just like an immediate dread that I can't explain. I absolutely hate it with all my being because it makes me feel weak and powerless inside.

Because of this unexplainable dread, I am unable to be assertive or angry at people when people would normally be angry. For instance if someone made fun of me and I don't know them well, I have that feeling of dread I mentioned above. Normally people would get angry at being made fun of, but I become weak. I am a boxing instructor at a local gym, and although I rarely spar, I feel the same dread before I do spar, although I know I know how to box/fight. I can't even compete in competitions because of this damn fear I feel inside, and it pisses me off so f*****g much. It makes me weak, and I want to why it happens and what can I do to eliminate it as much as possible. Yet ironically enough, the only time I get angry is when I'm annoyed, but it has to build up in me.

This is why I have posted this discussion. I hope that you guys can help me in my dileema and will be able to think of constructive and effect ways that you can have anger back. Anger, despite what most believe, is good, without anger, we would not be able to assert our ideas and beliefs, without anger, we would be pushovers. Only when anger is used out of control, such as starting fights or intentionally causing trouble, is it a bad thing. I want to feel strong and confident. So if anyone answers this, know I am very grateful. Thanks


-AutisticMalcontent

Yeah, well I'm the same way, not quite assertive enough. I guess we both have to work on that.

I have a senior picture. It is frozen in time, as most pictures are, with the sleek hair brushed into a up flip in the styles of the times. The checkered pattern of the dress I am wearing was probably a mistake, but the black white and sepia colors, also a sign of the times, toned down the vibrant colors of the patten. I have my usual not smiling yet not unsmiling self looking out from eyes that I can not believe were ever that young.

It is the expression on the face that causes the most comment. "You look angry!" "oh, who were you mad at, the photographer?" "Couldn't they have taken a picture when you had calmed down?"

Anger was one of the only emotions I felt as a child, a teenager and a young adult. Anger took over my whole body and slammed it around the room. Frustrations of body movements, frustrations in trying to express myself, frustrations from just trying to live life with everything itching and scratching and too loud and too bright and just . . .too!

I suppose I didn't even know I was angry most of the time. It was just my 'normal.' It has taken me many years ( and to be frank, I had to wait until my "procreation hormones" subsided with later age to become less and less 'angry' in life. It was just the way my AS an my personality interacted.