vanity

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anyone else a sufferer?

what does that mean?

I am very worried about what others think of my appearance and desperately want to look better. Problem is, I don't know what to change and lack the guts to carry out the change

I...generally don't notice mine. Seriously, my mom has threatened to pick out my clothes for me on more than one occasion. What bugs me is that she doesn't think my chosen attire of sweatpants (preferably fuzzy) and a sweatshirt in winter and a t-shirt and shorts in summer are good enough for school, so she's always trying to drag me shopping (which I hate).

I'm not absorbed with my appearance. In fact I never used to care about it. Lately, though, I've become rather vain of my looks and careful of my clothes. But it doesn't occupy very much of my time or energy.

I only care in that I don't want to look like all those brand-tard fashion whores. All my pants are simple with no labels anywhere, and the same goes for my shirts.

Its a different type of vanity. I like to flaunt it around I am not gay I know Its what women do but I work harder than the typical person. I am a health nut. I need to be or I might die. I have final stage skin cancer. I like being a health nut because I most calm and functional that way. I have to be concerned cause I am looking for attention. I don't care to some extent how ugly a women is if she looking at me in that way I know I got something. I am used to being ignored and unloved everyother day by mom. Harmones pushing me to do undesirable things. I want some kind of payment for resisting junkfood and exercising more than reduced disability. I used to hate mirrors now I like them cause I like to stare at myself I might flex my muscles. Got to watch my moles. I have had no friends or girlfriend for 23 fuckn years probably because of pstd who I balme my fuckn mom. I missed out on two girls at ounce and they were hot. I am sick of being alone I want it gone I have skills some is going to be lucky. No friends were the skills? I learned what I am not to do I observe It was necessary to survive this s**t. either something happens or I will do suicide. I am ready for that too can;t stand blood I will take pills. But if I do deicde that I might want to kill my mom first I will do something like that.. I know it may never go away so there is no sense being alone so I have to see what happens.

I guess I'm sort of in a bit of a paradoxical situation with this. I enjoy the aesthetics of clothes from places like Hot Topic. I like to be able to wear something that clearly conveys the way in which I think. In this case, the wilder side, the anti-authoritarian side (I consider myself a minarchist of some sort). But the thing is, I don't like to call attention to myself, especially in a school environment. I am, though, somewhat vindicated because I like wearing such attire in public places outside of school. I suppose I just possess a phobia of my peers.

Just yesterday I bought a shirt from Hot Topic with Jim Morrison's mug shot on it from 1967 in New Haven, CT when he was arrested on stage. I think it's a nice shirt. I do plan to wear it to school, but I don't really want people to comment on it. At most, I'd like them to just notice it.

What does it mean?

I just get annoyed and feel down if I think about it. the solution is not to think about it. Though I like to keep myself presentable for numerous reasons.