Inappropriate Social Responses leading to serious issues

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Has anyone experienced pre-teen behaviors that can be misinterpreted and lead to trouble with the legal system? I am seriously concerned for my grandson who is being labled as a smart ass, dangerous child as he heads into middle school. I am afraid that this will lead to trouble with the law. He has already threatened a classmate who upset him to the point where he made a threat to "shoot him in the head". This led to his suspension from school, a call from the Superintendent of Schools who stated it would be necessary to notify all the parents of his classmates about the threat and also getting the local police involved since 'no shooting threat in a school setting is ignored since Columbine' and wanting a guarantee that he does not have access to a gun in the home (which he does NOT). I am scared because middle school is hard enough and this label will stay with him well into high school. Any advise for how my daughter should handle this. His father is persona-non-gratta so there is no male figure to put the fear of towing the line into him. His mother and I both play the role of advocate, not inforcer, so there is no one who he appears to fear negative consequences from. Suggestions would be very welcome.

Maggie211

If it were my child I would:

Get professional help. Never thought I'd recommend a shrink - given how bad I hated going - but it REALLY helps. Group therapy is probably in order. He can learn appropriate behaviour and will learn to appreciate having the tools to use to get what he wants - in time.

Consider martial arts training. Lots of pros here, self-control, improvement with motor skills, self-esteem, focus.

Seriously consider home-schooling with 'safe' social interactions instead of largely unsupervised group behaviours found in public schools. There was a reason he made threats and being afraid was probably a big part of that reason.

Look at changing school districts to get out from under the stigma if home schooling is not an option.

Ask the local police involved in his case to help. Explain his situation and see if they have any programs for 'at-risk' youth. They may be willing to spend at least a little time showing him around and talking to him about their job and how not to be part of it in the future. They will then feel much more kindly toward him and it will be less likely they will harass him later.

Yoga and / or meditation for self-control and mind-quieting.

I'd be taking issue with the school. Kids SAY things. "I wish you were DEAD!! !" "I HATE you!!" and so on. Cornered or upset kids are more likely to say things that are not appropriate. It is inappropriate adult behaviour for the superintendaet to notify other parents. His job is to HELP students, not persecute them. Talk to a lawyer.

I'd also be talking to the mother of the kid he theatened. Organizing a trip to the zoo or soemthing they could BOTH enjoy without a lot of social pressure in a highly supervised environment. I'd make 'em kiss and make up, but as painlessly as possible if I could manage it.

A 'Big-Brother' might help. If he's willing, sign him up!

I was that pre-teen once...

rj

I've had to explain to my son with no if's ands or buts that certain things cannot be said because as much as he disagrees with it and doesn't have that level of intent, those things will be taken by the outside world to mean something and I can't sheild him from the consequences of that.

Never touch someone without their permission. No hitting, no hugging, no noodling, nothing.

Never make any threat of any sort, joking or not.

And so on.

We keep it very black and white. He knows that I feel other kids can understand nuance that he cannot, and so what their parents allow is going to be different than what I allow. He doesn't want to be in trouble for something he didn't mean, and that has happened, so in that way he "gets" where I'm going from.