Ravings of a Madman

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...or so they would tell me.

I feel increasingly backed into a corner and desperate. I want to live my life as I think I should: go to school, get a degree, get a job, etc. Nothing risque or unusual. However I feel like I'm being watched, like every thing I say has been recorded for playback through others in an attempt to manipulate me or otherwise modify my behavior. It's an awful feeling, esp. when people I haven't met seem to know everything about me. Yes, it sounds paranoid, I know. But I've been here in these situations, and I know that is what is going on.

Yes I'm getting help and I'm on meds, but I feel like someone is purposely trying to make me 'sick' for reasons unknown. I've been having an increasing frequency of flashbacks which doesn't make anything easier. I feel like someone has created a Matrix for me to live in, but I know I'm in it--just not how to get out of it.

I feel stressed but not depressed, and somewhat hopeless.

Well, one madman signing off.

Firstly what I have heard recently is that those who question there own sanity tend to be sane, The thing is I feel that the world today is in fact insane.

I also get the impression that you are neglecting your own self and this is going to cause you to become overly aware of the outside, as in the world around you.

I have suffered times of great paranoia especially while in my teens mainly due to the fact that I was going through change's and also trying to come to terms with my differences with society. The way that I got through it was to find ME time and to get away from social connection. I also like to sit on the toilet, yes you heard it the toilet and talk away to myself about my troubles. It is great to find the voice deep within and it should heal because of this I am sure. I say heal because your doubts are not healthy and we all have doubts but we can overcome them.

Try not to doubt yourself because your awareness sounds rather fine and sensitive. As for feeling watched I went through the same thing especially after watching films like the matrix and others but you may find your mind is wanting to discover truths. Please do some research more into your feelings and your difficulties with society and you will find that you maybe more than you realise and not mad.

i always feel watched. i also logically see i am being silly but i feel paranoid all the same. i can't shake the feeling, (with or without meds as i discovered later) so ever since i was in elementary school i would try to deal with it by just "accepting" that, ok, i AM being watched but telling myself it was a friendly watcher. i find it easier to convince myself of that rather than talk myself out of paranoia completely.