Misreading people who appear as 'friends'

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Hi, The one thing that I find most disappointing and distressing is when I have taken someone on their appearances to be a 'friend', only to find out later that they were not.

I have more emotional trouble with this happening than most things. I still can't spot it.

Some one that used to work for me at work was fairly friendly, over years. I was retrenched recently (which I'm happy about - it was a very dysfunctional company and I got a large payout).

Since then I sent a few emails to him and others. But no reply at all from him.

[I do feel sad about leaving the team of 4 people that I worked with (2 of them were made redundant at the same time). It was fun and I could relate to them easily - having been in the same area as them for years. So that's another issue.]

I may be misreading it. but the behaviour of this person does seem to be very disappointing. I have been getting increasingly depressed this afternoon and tonight about it. It's 11.34pm here. I'm going to bed soon and expect to feel better in the morning after a sleep.

Anyone else have this problem? What are the best ways to avoid it, and also to deal with it when it happens?

I couldn't have put it better myself.

Honestly, I think the best thing you can do is just forget about it and get on with your life. There isn't much else to do.

Often people at work don't want to keep in touch with someone who was fired. It happened to me.

I mean, it's a question of work politics.

People have their own interests at work, that's why I don't count on people from work to remain good friends after we don't work together anymore. It's not that it can't happen, but better not to take it as something that will naturally happen.

This happens to me too. People sometimes say I'm independent or emotionally detached, yet I seem to get too attached to people who just don't care about me, in the end, because I misinterpret any friendliness as friendship...

Many people give false impressions that they're your friends but don't really care about you. That's why I don't trust people.

I found it with two friends I had only a year ago, but now they both seem to hate me and wont talk to me again. Why? because I thought we were good friends and hence cared a lot about them to the extent that they accused me of being possessive even though i never expected them to spend all their time with me, just some time as they had before, equal time with me as with their other friends (and why not invite me along to things which they do with other people when they knew otherwise I would be alone at home?). they both accuse me of making them feel guilty when they do things with other people. But to me, feeling guilty implies they have done things wrong to me anyway to get to this state. How can I be to blame for their guilt?

Anyway, I managed finally to get over them and now I may not have any close friends (just a few aquaintances), but I am much happier than I was with them and I have realised that I have the confidence to do everything I want to do alone anyway (go to the theatre, cinema, walk in the mountains, go to the beach etc). I dont need friends who are like that. i dont really need friends at all except at work where it is nice to have people to talk to about things.

Most people will blame you if you tell them a few truths about how they're treating you. This is why the common reaction when one is feeling badly treated in the way you mention is to "play the conflict" instead of talking about it. You show them you're angry, but you deny it if they ask you. You start "forgetting" a birthday here, returning a call there, etc. They sense you're angry, and they wonder why, understand they may lose you, then they start treating you better. However, if you talk about it, they get all angry at you. Being passive-aggressive is much more accepted than being assertive about your needs. You have to BE assertive in your feeling, but you have to play it passive-aggressive in your behavior. This is the f****d up world of relations among the mediocre.

You don't have to have AS to have this problem. It happens from time to time in the real world. Trust me on that!

Thanks Greentea for that information. I guess thats what I should have done when my 'friends' started not wanting to be with me. But I couldnt just let it go, it made me very unhappy. I had to confront them about it. And then of course they accuse me of putting pressure on them and make me out as being the one in the wrong.

I think even if I could play these games I wouldnt want to.

I divide my friends into "work friends" (colleagues), acquaintances and true friends. I feel most people fit into categories 1 & 2 and have very few in category 3. I am not hurt when those in 1 & 2 no longer talk with me anymore, because I really don't expect that from them. It took me a few years to get to that point and I got burned several times during the process.

It does really hurt though when someone I have placed into #3 no longer talks to me.

I made that mistake so many times two years ago, my junior year of highschool when I started talking to people. I'd say I really had no friends but I probably mistakened all my acquintances for friends. By my senior year it became clear to me that all my acquitances wernt friends after I learned a bit more. Then things became confusing, I still dont know whether some people were friends or not now. I would mistaken some for close friends which now I know I had no close friends.

Now I dont keep track of whos my friend as much. I pretty sure I've made one close friend whos been forced to deal with soo much of my insecurities and my insanity. I give him props cause Im can be a very difficult person to deal with. I have a few other not so close friends.

Time helps with the true friend category. The longer a person puts up with me and puts up with my special characteristcs, the more that person is cemented as a true friend.

I have one friend that goes back 31 years now. He has been my friend all these years and even when I am at my worst, he never takes it the wrong way. He is always a phone call away.

I agree about the work friends thing, I never expect work 'friendship' to last beyond the life of the job.

I find most people who approach me for friendship tend to want to use me, but that's considered normal in an NT 'exploit and be exploited' world. Since I'm not good at exploiting people I tend to feel used in relationships.

I've had some 'best' friends who actually wanted to be me, in a 'single white female' way- one of them used my identity on a number of occasions, so I'm very wary of any offers of friendship, I think I prefer to keep people as acquaintances.

The Stranglers wrote a song about friendship:

Many people tell you that they're your friend
You believe them
You need them
For what's round the river bend
Make sure that you're receiving the signals they send
'Cause brother you've only got two hands to lend
Maybe there's someone who makes you weep
And some nights loom up ahead
When you're asleep
Some days there's things on your mind you should keep
Sometimes it's tougher to look than to leap
Better watch out for the Skin Deep
Better watch out for the Skin Deep
Brother watch out watch out for the Skin Deep
Brother watch out watch out for the Skin Deep
Better watch out for the Skin Deep
One day the track that you're climbing gets steep
Your emotions are frayed
And your nerves are starting to creep
Just remember the days
As long as the time that you keep
Brother you better watch out for the Skin Deep
Better watch out for the Skin Deep
Better watch out for the Skin Deep
Brother watch out watch out for the Skin Deep
Brother watch out watch out for the Skin Deep
Better watch out for the Skin Deep