Giving up

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For months I've been incredibly bored at work, but I'm very loyal so don't want to leave yet, and it's experience I need for my CV.

For years I've been feeling like I'm not like everyone else, and suspecting Aspergers but being in denial. Then a couple of weeks ago I had another meltdown and told my mum how isolated and unhappy I was, and after doing some research she thinks I have AS too, so I'm going to the doctors tomorrow to talk it through.

However, since my most recent meltdown, I feel in complete turmoil over everything and I'm just not concentrating at work (it doesn't help that the office has just been painted and the smell gives me a constant headache). Usually when I'm given tasks I get them done and do them well. Now, I'm just reluctant to do anything, like I've given up completely.

Will this feeling pass? I'm just exhausted even by the idea of starting the process of being diagnosed, so I just don't see a way of feeling calm and contented in my mind. Plus, I don't want my boss to know anything, so if I get appointments with specialists etc I'm going to have to keep it to myself and take the days off as holiday days. I'm doing the typical aspie thing and worrying about every tiny detail of what may or may not happen.

I wish it was easier to talk about mental health with people, especially at work. At the moment I can't see any way out and it's really getting me down. I just feel like leaving. I'd really love to just disappear right now. Sometimes I wish I didn't even exist

Try to forget your own situation and consider the following question:

Which people do you admire most? The people who stick with something even though it makes them misserable. Or the people who are willing to take risks to find happines?

As long as you are doing something you feel you can be proud of, then you have a reason to exist! And if what you are not proud of what you are doing, then realising it is the first step to changing it for the better!

It sounds like you're being poisoned by the paint fumes. I'm not sure what you can do aside from wearing a gas mask until the place airs out.

Im with ya, but being an aspie isnt THAT bad. It has its downs, but its really not the end of the world. At least Im not letting it be for me.

sorry i didn't reply very well to your last message i was feeling very tired.

when I started reading about aspergers I didn't sleep for more than three hours a night for weeks. there's so much to take in, you're reconsidering your entire perception of yourself. you're reinterpreting almost everything that's ever happened to you in light of this new concept. and yet it will probably be very difficult for you to talk to anyone about it to anyone. you can feel very self conscious about it if you go out, it can be like this huge presence in the room that you can't talk about.

I am only just coming out the other end of this now, and at this stage I feel a lot better than I did to begin with. I still think about it every day, but I'm starting to think about my interests more again. I have a far healthier way of looking at life and I percieve myself in a much better way.

With regards to your forthcoming appointments, I think you are imagining it as a lot bigger and more dramatic than it will actually be. You won't have to see millions of specialists - I only had to take 1 day off work and come in early to finish early on another day. The reality is going to be that in a mundane office somewhere a psychiatrist will simply say that they're satisfied you meet the criteria, and you'll be totally underwhelmed... then several hours later it'll hit you that this has happened and you'll suddely feel like crying with happiness...

or at least thats how it happened for me. good luck

I keep making stupid mistakes now at work. And what makes it worse is that I've nearly been here for a year so I'll be under scrutiny for salary raise.

Plus, the CPN I'm meant to be seeing on Wednesday (I requested the day off from work) has now decided she can't turn up, so I'm waiting to hear if I can be fitted in on Tuesday instead, which means swapping my day off at the last second which I'm scared will annoy my boss.