meow?

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compared to a lot of people on this site, I have nothing to complain of. . . I have a reasonably good place to live, a job I love (even if it isn't. . . a career? not full time or anything). . . Socially I even do ok, when I'm trying. I don't even have a hard time finding dates; at times I find myself fairly awash with geeky guys, which is great, because I'm extremely fond of geeky guys. . .

Here's the deal, though; sometimes I wonder if I'm ever going to get round to the point where I'm actually connecting with people. I spent so much time being alone, I focused obsessively on understanding other people. . . and it worked. I am good at listening people, and analyzing things. People often tell me it feels like they've known me for a long time, or that they don't know why they're spilling their guts to me. I try hard to understand, and there are so many people out there who just need to be listened to. . .

And I like being helpful, I really do; I love it, actually. I had one friend who has been really fragile and depressed basically the whole time I've known him, and one night last week we stayed up half the night talking. . about things he needed to talk about. . and he was able to use what I said about my own life experience to understand his--and he seems better now, like, amazingly better. . I've seen him only once since then, and it's like he's glowing, by comparison. . . he just seems so much happier, and healthier. And I'm not saying it was some magical thing about me; he just needed someone to notice, to listen, to have a clue what he was talking about. It could have been anyone, almost, if they had bothered. . .

Sometimes I feel like I'm simply a funnel for other people's pain; I draw them out, lance their wounds so that they can be whole, experience it with them, and then keep on walking. It's not like it's always so simple or so clean, and it's not like I'm really detached from the people I do this with. . I just. . sometimes I wonder if I'll ever find someone who can, will? do the same for me--I wonder if I'll ever find someone who understands what I've been through. . . and my history is somewhat exotic and extreme, so even without the actual emotional understanding component, it's a little bit of a limited portion of the population that has the experience to understand at all.

In an unfortunately related note, I don't really know what to do about dating. . I find myself dating people I respect and care about, but it's hard to see myself ever really falling in love. I wonder if anyone who was actually really healthy could ever possibly understand or connect with me at all.

I wish there were some reassurance, somewhere out there, that I could look at and say-- it will work out, somehow, and be ok. . .

I am in a very similar situation myself.

This part of your post LEPT out at me, Jainaday. I used to joke with myself that I was a 'karma eater' for other people's pain. I just gnaw away at what ever is bugging them that they can barely express. I hear them gasp and go on about their issues, knowing I have had the same thing happen to me (and worse.)
As for someone alleviating MY PAIN? After all these years searching, yearning, I have come to the conclusion I couldn't feel it if they had tried. I don't think I can feel their comfort after all these years of thinking they are not giving me comfort, ( the dirty so an so's ) I realize that I probably am not capable of being comforted. Just some glitch in my AS makeup, probably.

good luck, maybe that is not your issue.

Merle

Well...it is a wonderful service that people like you provide...be proud of it.

thanks, Poopy, I loves you too. . . .

Merle

This is something I've been wondering about when I talk with my aspie soon-to-be husband. Sometimes I feel like I just dump all my problems and issues on him and benefit from his just being there for me. I long to know what he is going through and has been through, but it is so difficult for him to talk about his past or even present experiences.

I don't often ask how he feels about things because this just seems to frustrate both of us. It stresses him out to talk about feeling stuff when he generally can't articulate his feelings. It stresses me out to wait for him to try to formulate a response that I may not understand. As far as comforting him, I often don't even know / realize when he is having distress. He does not often volunteer this information.



I want to be there for him, but I'm not sure how to do this. Perhaps it isn't really possible, or it has to happen at a different level that I'm unaware of. I can totally see how those of us who are called NTs can be seen as "dirty so an so's". We often note the lack of reciprocation from aspies, but don't realize that aspies may seek reciprocation too even if/when this reciprocation is not possible.

and the sad part is, we don't even KNOW it is not possible, we think we are reciprocating correctly and all the NT knows is they aren't seeing the social cues and facial and body language that invoke a bonding response in them, and so on some level, think them either not responding or simply being false because the social language 'lies'.

Thanks. That's a great point. Just the other night I said to him something like, "you just seem to be spacing out and not thinking". He understandably got mad and said, "I AM thinking, it just doesn't show on my face". At that point I realized how much I rely on these body language cues as "true" even though I cognitively know that he is not expressive in ways that I generally expect him to be.

Goodness, RubyGold, you have learned a KEY point in being with an Aspie. If you would know what it is like in his head, then work against your internal social cues and focus on the words, the intellect, the logic. You will recognize the utter concentration and dedication to eliminate all other learned social stimuli in your head and body. You will realize the energy that is draining from your body and mind and spirit as you just try to just stay apace of the events of the day.

whew!

No wonder we don't make faces and do body language. . who has the energy it takes when you gotta focus so hard on just being?

Merle

That's beautiful Jainaday. Maybe we should start a school of AS counseling.

Um . . .

Thank you, everyone, for responding- I guess I was really tired at the time of writing, somehow it seemed like there was no way anyone would. It's pleasantly startling to find people who I particularly like and respect have engaged in this threadlet, and you have all been so kind. . I really, really appreciate it.

I'll respond properly to all this when I'm more able--pretty tired just now, as well--but for now, thanks.

I'll talk more specifically to you about this next time I talk to you (hopefully sometime this weekend)... but I hope you already know how wonderful I think you are (If not, I'll be more than happy to tell you again), and that you have a standing invitation to call me at 3am to talk, whine, cry, vent, or whatever you might need a friendly ear for.

Love and hugs~