The rest of the world is driving me toward suicide.

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Two nights ago, I had a dream I felt bad about. (Edit: I removed one part of the dream in case you didn't want to hear it.) Three women found me and screamed at me, and I chased one and said, "You want me to shoot you, b***h?"

Right before I said it, I was frightened by an idea called 'eternal recurrence': that you will experience a moment of your life endlessly over and over as the universe is reborn.

For the past year, I've had to put up with auditory hallucinations that say some pretty mean things, like:

"You're a freak, Scott Hoagie Sandwich."
"I hate you, Scott Hoagie Sandwich."
"You're painful, Scott Hoagie Sandwich."
"Your Asperger's Syndrome."
"Psychopaaaaath."

For the past three years I've been retching at the thought of others' selfishness toward me, and if you don't know what retching is, it's the vomiting reflex (without the rejected food). Picture me doing that when people cyber-bully me.

I've spent my whole life tormented by nasty coincidences. Two weeks ago, I bought a $1600 '94 Mercury Sable, my first car ever. Last Saturday my brother sped it into someone else's car and wrecked it, endangering the life of a child and causing $10,000 worth of damage that he can't pay back. So, just like that... he ruined my car.

I draped it with a white sheet and it fell off a few times before I tied it to the windshield wipers. Maybe that partly explains the dream.

Anyway, it almost seems like the world is doing these things to me to pressure me to kill myself. A dream that sets me up to say, "You want me to shoot you, b***h?" is just another one of those things. If I suffer any longer, I just might kill myself.

You know what upsets me, though? I spent all this time teaching myself calculus and advanced mathematics, reading Kantian philosophy, researching Gödel's Incompleteness Theorem (I could probably write an essay on it now), buying nice new furniture, donating charity money, and now I want to kill myself because these punk auditory hallucinations won't leave me alone! I hear you, David Lafollette! Matt Heinz, Fred Wood, this is about you! You just had to add in your own little dose of poison in the form of bullying, and now look at me. I'm practically dying.

I wrote a 6-page essay titled, "A Request Not to Hear Voices," and I still hear them! Do these 'entities' even realize how foolish it would be to let my knowledge of mathematics and philosophy go to waste? Think of it, you jerks: new and improved technological luxury. Advancements in science and medicine. We'll be one step closer to answering the big questions if only we solve these problems!

This is not a self-esteem issue. I've been being bullied.

Nearly every time I've waken up in the morning to go to work to help society, it's been the same thing: "I hate you, Scott Hoagie Saaaaandwich."

Now you listen here, you insensitive world of Happy Bunny sadists. I want to live. But I'm not staying alive to be your suffering servant, so if I kill myself, it'll be your loss. You'll have to find someone else to read about Gödel's Incompleteness Theorem for you (do you even know what that is?) and you'll lose all the wisdom and generosity that came with my being alive. In your greedy, dominating path of evolution, you will become stupider and stupider, missing out on all the technological progress you'd make in the time you foolishly squabble over resources, and you will make the human race look like a failure, a scab on the face of the universe. So much for your 'loser' insult.

If there's a Satan, he's a dunce. Sorry, but you don't impress me.

Now, I'm not sure whether I'd do it with gasoline, or a handgun, by drowning, or by overdose, but the situation looks pretty grim for me. I'm planning on waiting until I'm at least 26, so I'll be alive for at least six more months (that's the good news). I know I'd be leaving all of you behind, which is one of the reasons I want to stay alive.

Before you tell me to see a doctor (for the 100th time) I'm already seeing doctors and they're not helping. And if you are a doctor... you just hit 'Back' and keep right on surfing. I am not a tool for your profit.

Last edited by MikeH106 on 27 Nov 2008, 10:34 am, edited 1 time in total.

You sound like a very tormented but, gifted individual...it will be a sad day when you actually commit suicide.

Thanks.

I'll be proud on my 26th birthday. At least I've made it this far.

Okay no doctors.... even though you may be schizophrenic.

Other options:
Maybe your brain is really trying to tell you something and you're just not understanding it. That happens to me quite a lot.

If you like, you could pm me a better description of your dream. People tell me I'm quite insightful, maybe I can find a different angle.
Just an offer, and I would delete it afterwards, no worries there.



By the way, your brother's an as*hole.

I'd second that, I had really weird recurring dreams for months that I can only put down to my unconcious mind (or higher self or whatever you believe) trying to get me to pay attention to something.

Ever considered hypnosis or meditation or other less drastic efforts to bring order to your mind than a handgun?

Take care of yourself, I never thought I'd make it into my 30's and here I am, somewhat the worse for wear but still I'm here.