Depression and Loneliness

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I'll start with the fact that I don't get out much. The few "friends" I have are too far away, never visit, or just come over to use my stuff. Even then, I haven't really had an extended talk with anyone but my dad in over a month.

About a month ago I started going to a chat room for the first time. I was rather surprised to find that these people were actually friendly (on the internet of all places!). I didn't talk much, but I did enjoy watching them talk amongst themselves. When I did say something I only gave information or was very depressing and condescending towards myself. A couple days ago it finally reached a point where I decided not to go back there because I was too depressing for them and I tended to bring the mood down. They insisted this wasn't true, but it's just how I picture it and I believe they were just being nice.

So I'm back to my standard routine that I normally had in summers during school: sitting in my room messing around on the internet or playing video games during all waking hours. No one comes by, and I feel uncomfortable going to someone else's place or going to a social gathering without first being given permission (which I never am, despite the fact that I brought this up in the past). And I never go to a social gathering full of strangers without one friend.

I'm depressed now because I'm lonely, and I'm lonely because I'm depressed. It sucks.

i have people who visit me that find me interesting to talk to.
are they my friends? i do not know.
i would not suffer if they never came here again.
but if they do come here then i like to talk to them.

i am entirely unable to determine what friendship is. all i see is that people want to be in my company, and i like it for a while until i am sick of it.
then they all have to go.

when they go i feel relieved and glad to be alone and feeling "clear".

i do not know what the romantic notions of love are about, so i do not miss them or pine for them.

i do have a girlfriend but she is similar to me and we are not that interested in each other.
we stay together because we care that each other is well.

but we do not live together. she comes over 2 times per week and sleeps here.
that is more than enough for me.

the rest of the time i am alone and i like it.
i do not have to worry about interpretation when i am alone.

i do love myself in a way that i like to be in my own company, and i always am... so i am lucky.

when i get tired and go to my bed, all is complete with my world even though i am alone.

I can relate totally. For me, I've just accepted my isolation (I'm not saying you should too) but I feel less depressed about it, knowing that I am at ease when alone. I used to always feel sad that I was never out with friends, or did anything fun in the company of others but those feelings have worn off over the last few months. I guess I really should be used to isolation seeing that I never really had any friends outside of school.

I can't really offer you any advice, but if being around others is what you want and if you are willing to take the steps in order to have that then go for it. If not, then just be happy with what you have, its less hassle than being dissapointed. I hope this helps.

Hope you feel better

that's my case, too. i feel better once i accepted it. although, it might not be the best way. it's all so strange, i do not want to be alone, i theoretically know how to get friends, i cannot do it though, and if i do i cannot have them around too much.

I tend to think that there is a pendulum swing, as far as 'being alone'.....sometimes it is freeing, and interesting....but sometimes we get sick of ourselves, and that's depressing....to be stuck with someone we are sick of. Sometimes a short experience of another person can bring about a kind of cleansing of that 'being too alone' phenomenon. Then we feel re-energized, like it was an adrenaline shot in the arm, just being with others. Too much 'being with others' is like ODing, so the idea is to be with others 'just enough' for the invigoration that contact accomplishes. It can get kind of 'dark' just being with one's self, even though the darkness is 'dependable'......being with others is like letting light in for a while, or new colors......yes, it might make us 'ruminate' on all the nuances and problems associated with socialization, but that in itself is something beyond 'just self'. I hope this makes sense.....I think the idea is......healthy balance as it affects inner psychological homeostasis. Because there is chaos in reality there are always going to be problems achieving a healthy homeostasis. The hardest part for me, as far as socialization is the DEEP ASPECT of people USING PEOPLE for material gain, rather than what I'd prefer----------->the IDEAL of people *loving* people as the priority, and wanting to have optimum UNDERSTANDING as a primary goal. Unfortunately, people are prone to snap selfish judgementalism, and they judge you when they DON'T EVEN REALLY TAKE THE TIME TO UNDERSTAND OR KNOW YOU! In a world where people are viewed as 'tools', rather than dignified ends in themselves......well, for an honest, fallible person, this is a problem.....the way people use you and throw you away when you are not 'useful' to them. Sola

Being used in itself doesn't bother me. Hey, at least it's a reason for someone to come over and talk. It used to happen all the time in grade school because I was spoiled and had more video games than most other people in the area. There were many times when people would come over on a daily basis.

What's really getting me down now is that I isolate myself from socialization when I feel I'm a burden, which is always the case in my opinion. Most people do the opposite: wait until they're told not to continue what they are doing, if ever. The emotional end of it for me though is essentially the same, though: a feeling of incompetence, hurt, and loneliness, even though it's self-induced. But that's just a part of my personality; I leave before causing problems rather than eventually causing one and trying to fix it.

Dear LazyGamer,

Listen to the people you talk to. Strangers on the internet generally have no reason to be nice to other strangers. If you were annoying the others, they would let you know.

In short, cut yourself some slack. You have decided that other people don't like you, because you believe that no one can possibly like you. You need to learn to like yourself.

Start by making a list of your good traits. Don't tell me that you don't have any, I can see by your post that have at least two. You have to be able to see them for yourself.

Second, don't punish yourself by cutting off what limited social contact you have. Stay out there and learn to be comfortable interacting with other humans, even if it is through the filter of the internet.

Third, smile. Seriously. Think of things you enjoy. If you can't think of anything you enjoy, smile anyway. Smile 'til your face aches. Smile until it becomes a habit. People in person will treat you nicer if you smile, and your body will start to convince itself it's happy if you keep forcing it to smile.


I know about this because I've been there. I do understand what you're going through. It won't be easy, but you can get through this.



I wish you great good luck and am



Your friend,

Ikari Gendo

Thanks for the advice Ikari. Unfortunately for me it's a lot easier to give advice than to take it...

That's very true for most places on the internet, but without going into too much detail, let's just say that this was a place where the people tend to be very open and polite. As for in real life, people say that I'm not annoying them, and to stop putting myself down so much. However, their actions imply that they want nothing to do with me.


There are many things I give others that I don't give myself, but the thing that stands out the most is benefit of the doubt. Liking myself is something totally out of my league.


Let's see, I'm so polite that I let people walk over me, and I'm generous to the point where people can take advantage of me? My problem with seeing good things about me is that where ever there's a silver lining, there's a dark cloud (the opposite, contrary to popular belief, is not always true). There are times when I simply can't even stand myself, and I wonder how people put up with me.


It is a punishment to myself, but it's also a way to prevent myself from hurting others.


I try to lie to people as little as possible now (used to do it quite frequently). Forcing myself to smile when I'm not happy falls under that.

Edit: Forgot the thanks, apparently I'm rude too.

I know how you feel LazyGamer. Every now and again I'll slip into depression & being lonely. I am lucky enough however to see the mates I have most days of the week due to College or going round their places every now and again. Plus I chat to them though MSN and when its the holidays I'll text them to see what they are up too. Eventhough I only have a small number of mates I keep in contact with them as much as I can.

Dear LazyGamer,

Please do not force me to reach through the internets to give you a noogie.

Your response to my previous post illustrates my points. I'm giving you an assignment here. Go do it.


1. Get a pencil and paper. Typing on the computer will not work, although a pen will.
2. Write down at least three good things about yourself.
3. DO NOT WRITE DOWN WHY THESE ARE BAD TRAITS. No buts, no conditionals, no turning them into negatives.
4. Make a copy of this list.
5. Hang one copy in a place where you will see it every day.
6. Keep the other copy with you.
7. Look at it regularly to remind yourself that there are reasons why people might like having you around.


By the way, you saw at least one good trait in that first post besides the ones I saw.

And I still have a poster I made of my best traits hanging in my bedroom after 15 years and two moves.




I wish the best for you and remain

Your friend,


Ikari Gendo

OK, it took an hour (totally serious here) but I finally found three "good" lies...er, things (other than the two above that I corrupted). And yes, I did put it in a place where I'll see it every day. Not entirely sure how this is going to help. The fact that it took me so long to find these three things is all the more reason I should be isolated from society.

Aw, this isn't going to end up as some Puss in Boots scenario where I keep lying to myself until the lies become true is it?

And the three things I chose: Considerate, Helpful, Pacific. Granted they're all a bit of a stretch, and I can come up with ten times as many negatives in less than half the time it took me to find just those three.

ok, why don't you just forget it? stop thinking about how you are, give it up, it doesn't matter, just accept yourself for whoever you are and start from there. again, make yourself stop thinking about it. everytime similar thought comes up, just shake your head (don't have to be literally) and think of something else. you are wasting your energy on something that is only doing you harm and the solution is so easy, just don't waste your energy anymore.

Well, you need to get out of the house. Maybe look into doing some voluntary work? There's activities you can do on your own even. If what your doing now is making you feel bad, change it. Make sure your getting enough sleep too, and not in the day. Tidy your room up, organise your posessions. Things that will give you a bit of self worth.

the greatest achievement in the life of a button is to be depressed.

Dear LazyGamer,

Well done!

By the way, the things I saw in your post are that you are intelligent and articulate. You have good traits, and you need to learn to believe in your strengths rather than your weaknesses. And this isn't so much a matter of lying until it becomes the truth as learning to hack the programming in your head.

Changing your mind is one of the hardest things you will ever have to do, but you need to relearn how to think about yourself. You are obviously uncomfortable with how your mind works. If you were happy with it, you wouldn't have made that original post. By learning to think of yourself in more positive terms, you will change how you interact with others. This will eventually, probably not quickly, but eventually, create a feedback loop of people reacting more positively to you and reinforcing those thoughts and behaviors.

I am saying these things with the certain knowledge that this is how I reprogrammed my own mind. I spent years trapped in depression so extreme that as I started getting better, I became suicidal. I had been so depressed that I couldn't even muster the energy to contemplate killing myself. I was an antisocial, bitter, cruel cynic. I spent years in psychotherapy, which I would recommend you consider.

I am now older, wiser, far happier, much more social, and have a reputation for being charming and funny. I'm still considered seriously odd by people who know me, but they like me and I like them.

You can be in a much better place than where you are, but it will be work to get there. I won't pretend it's easy. You have to decide that it's worth the effort to rebuild certain basic parts of your mind.

Good luck and I remain


Your friend,


Ikari Gendo

Thank you all for your help, despite how little I deserve it.

Hm...I can't help but think there are some issues that could come up if I used that final solution (if I Godwin myself in my own topic, does that mean I lose three times?).

My sleep habits have been rather poor lately, but I can't think of a time they were good in the first place. My room is a bit of a mess, I suppose I should clean a bit considering how much time I spend here. As for getting out and volunteering...I find that uncomfortable for some reason. Perhaps I'm less considerate than I thought (which wasn't much to begin with).




I consider articulate to be a neutral attribute; I don't see how that could be beneficial or detrimental in any way. And I don't believe I'm intelligent, at least not in the way you put it.

I've noticed how hard it is to change. There was a part of me I felt very guilty about and tried very hard to get rid of it for 10 years, but I failed and eventually gave up. As for the positive end, what about before that happens? Surely I'll do more harm than good before then. That's harm I'd rather not do, so I feel it would be best if I stayed out of everyone's hair.

I am currently seeing a psychiatrist and a psychologist, the psychologist actually has quite a bit of experience with working with Aspies. I'm also on two different medications for my depression, but I haven't really noticed any change as a result (although my psychiatrist disagrees). I started medication a year ago and I've been seeing the psychologist for about 3 months (before that I was seeing various ineffective "how does that make you feel" counselors).

I read this and only one question comes to mind: Do I deserve it? I don't even accept birthday or Christmas gifts (my sister got me a $50 gift card, which I gave to her son without her knowledge).