Raves

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Really good things about the world:

My wonderful friends, dinnertimes at school would not be the same without them. Especially my mate Ant who is fit fit fit haha.

Lazy weekends just sat infront of a computer screen, lazy lazy weekends

Finally got back to racording after a hiatus. Recorded the bass tracks for six songs.

I made the cheerleading squad! <3

My parents are separating!

(This is a good thing, they argue all the time.)

My step brother is finally gone!!

And after what I said to him, I doubt he will ever come back. The truth hurts doesn't it?

i love waking up in the mornings and meditiatin under the sun, after a while you can see crazy colors every where.

i love music without words, just sounds, like classical, blues, ambient...

i love cooking all sort of stuff and mixing japanese with mexican and italian with vegetarian...

i love the smell of the clean air, the trees, the flowers, the dirt, incense, candels, the freshness of the water...

i love watching kids play with dogs, the birds flying, the wind shaking everything, sunrises and sunsets, rivers, mountains...

and i love the most thinking of all the positive things in life and what great planet i live on.

"Stan" apologized for treating me like I was less conscious than I was one day in the ER and ignoring me, and said he'd never do it again. He also still loves me and asked me if I still wanted to be with me. He also said he was sorry he didn't communicate to me that he was sorry, like he thought he had. (He thought saying my written medical advance directive was good was enough, but I had wanted him to say "I'm sorry I treated you like you were less conscious than you were and I won't do that anymore", and he finally did today.


I feel much better now.


However, he said it's not his fault that he didn't know that I wanted him to treat me like I was fully conscious in case I was, but he should have done that anyway, without my advance directive. He should have assumed that a person who is sick might still be conscious enough to talk to and reassure. "Allen", however, says he already knew that and would have given me the benefit of the doubt and assumed I was conscious enough to hear conversation, without me having to tell him beforehand that that was necessary... as that is something you SHOULD know instinctively. So naturally, I go for Allen.


Allen and Stan both say they will follow my medical advance directive (which I made after the incident with Stan assuming I was less conscious than I was and includes my need to be treated like I'm conscious and aware even if I don't appear so, and is one of the two things I care about). Stan understands my scientific theory about love and life (the other one of the two things I care about) and and Allen understands it too. Both of them say they love me and will do anything to make me happy (like read and understand my scientific theory and read and promise to follow my advance directive). Both of them prove by things they said that they understand things I write that are important to me that I show them. Stan doesn't reply to everything I write (I write about things like my scientific theory and my advance directive... the things I care about) like Allen does, however. Both Stan and Allen seem sincere about honoring my AD and reading my scientific theory. Both seem to have an equal amount of soul in them, of passion, passion for respecting what I care about (understanding my theory and honoring my advance directive) without having to be prompted to do so. Allen never gets tired of promising me he'll read my scientific theory and understand it and follow my medical advance directive. Stan read and understood my scientific theory on the first try but he got tired of promising me he'd follow my advance directive. Allen understands that him understanding my scientific theory and him following my advance directive are the things that mean the most to me. I didn't tell Stan that, so I don't think he knows that they're the two most important things to me, and he'd probably argue that the two most important things to me should be him and our son, and I would agree that they are, and that them understanding my theory and my advance directive would therefore mean everything to me.


My son can have a happy life with his parents and his stepfather and his stepmother if Stan gets another girlfriend. And his little brother or sister who would not exist if I stayed with Stan (Because Stan wants to wait years before having another baby).


Other factors, like food and shelter and other psychological things, do not matter to me.


So I'm still picking Allen.


But what if Stan needs me? It's not just what I need from them but what they need from me. He might specifically need me to be there for him. So I don't know. EDIT: Well, actually, Allen needs me as much as Stan needs me. Stan would have our son Lars and our other Aspie friends, so he'll probably be okay, just like Allen was probably okay when he didn't have me but he had our Aspie friends. Stan says he still wants me and was sad to see me go, even crying a bit, and when I suggested that he might need me more than Allen did Allen said something to the effect of "NO!! ! I need you BADLY!" and I could tell by his tone of voice that I broke his heart the first time I left him for Stan.


I promised Stan I wouldn't leave him. But then, when Stan was refusing to talk to me about my problems with him, I promised Allen I'd be with HIM.



So I'm still leaning toward Allen.


Stan is better-looking, but that means nothing to me. As I see Allen treating me with respect in the ways I describe that counted to me, he will come to look more attractive.


Allen is more positive and patient, but that means nothing to me either. Stan was positive when he said he loved and agreed with my scientific theory and said my advance directive was good, and he was impatient only because he had already agreed with me about those things and was tired of me trying to get him to agree with me.


I'm probably just used to Stan and that's why I have those feelings that I should never be leaving him.


Edited to say that Allen read my scientific theory and understands it now.

It's good to finally have reason to forgive someone for a change.


Read the first post in my thread "My boyfriend tries to lead me in crises, like I am a child." Well, now I think this: yes, he didn't tell me because he didn't want to think about it and talking about it would have forced him to think about it. It doesn't take much thinking to tell me "Don't step here" and "Take a shower"... it probably takes less thinking about it than telling me "It contains mercury." I forgive him.

My shrink told me to give him my medical advance directive and he'll put it in my medical file. I told him it wasn't legalized; he told me it didn't have to be. He said that if I came into the hospital, yes, they would look in my file and yes, they would find my advance directive. YAY!

Read my first post in my thread "My boyfriend tries to lead me in crises, like I am a child." Then reaad this email I sent to him apologizing (I hope I've apologized enough):

Part of the reason I was so upset at the fluorescent light incident when I thought you'd kept the truth from me because you didn't want to scare me was this: right away, when you started ordering me around, I picked up on the fact that you weren't telling me something. I knew that you knew that the powder was very very dangerous and that you weren't telling me. I thought you weren't telling me so as not to scare me, and so I was insulted and angry that you thought I was too stupid or naive to pick up on the fact that you knew how dangerous it was and weren't telling me. But it turns out you didn't tell me because you didn't want to think about it yourself and talking about it would have made you thinnk about it,so everything is cool now. )

My son Lars will be okay with Allen as a stepfather besides me as the mother and Stan as the father. Allen respects people, believe it or not, when he finds out what their values are and can then respect them. He found out what my core values are and respects them and says he'll always respect them, and he can find out what my son's core values are and respect them and say he'll always respect them, so that Stan can never say that Allen is bad for Lars.

Well, actually, Allen needs me as much as Stan needs me. Stan would have our son Lars and our other Aspie friends, so he'll probably be okay, just like Allen was probably okay when he didn't have me but he had our Aspie friends.

I'm not afraid of getting pregnant again, by Allen this time. I have pills for the nonstop throwing up, and I had an amazing epidural at Ben Taub (giving birth was painless except for some intense pain for half an hour) and Stan wanted to wait years before having another baby, so I'll be bringing another life into the world that would not otherwise be brought into the world!


But I still love Stan. If Allen died, I would go back to Stan, though he probably wouldn't take me back. I would pay attention to Stan by talking to him about Allen, and Allen would also get my attention because I'd be talking about him.

Allen needs you as much as you need him!

LOL, MADDuck, so I can use your name on the forums now when I talk about you? I've been meaning to ask you if I could.