is this horrible?

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Ok I am new still to this but I guess this can go in this forum. Ok I do not have ASD but my 7 year old does! Now do not get me wrong I love my son and would give my life to make him better. Sometimes as a parent I feel overwhelmed by all this. I fought for 4 years to try to get him help and finally did but even with all the help I still feel all alone in doing this! I try so hard with him. I want to give him everything but I know he needs to learn on his own. Sometimes I just give in to him so he will not have a meltdown!! Am I horrible to feel this way? I take care of him and my other kids all by myself 90% of the time. When hubby is home he is very hard on my son with AS! Which makes me mad. It has even almost caused a divorce. I try not to show him that it takes everything I have to keep going some days! I just do not know how to handle this all some days. I feel like I am not doing my job as a mother right! Any you who have AS or kids with it you know how hard it can be to deal with a child with it!

I suspect that I have AS, but if I do, it's very mild compared to my son. He's 11.

I totally understand what you are going through. We love our kids so much, and want them to be okay, and happy. But it can be so tough.

I found out recently, though an evaluation that the school district did, that his life skills, like self-care and helping around the house, are those of a preschooler. He's advanced in a lot of ways, but in some ways he's waaaaaaay behind. I never realized how far behind he is, because I don't know what "normal" is. It's easy to get annoyed at him, because when he gets frustrated, it comes across like he's just refusing to try something, and copping an attitude, when, in fact, it stems from something deeper than that.


I'm going to PM you a link to an online forum that has been really helpful to me over the years.

Hi Stacie,

Those feelings are perfectly normal and it would be wrong for you to suppress them. Raising children, even those not on the spectrum is very difficult. My wife and I have been together since the middle of high school and we thought that nothing would tear us apart. We were wrong. We started having kids after 16 years together and the stress of our eldest son drove such a wedge between us that we both moved out of the house when he was two. We managed to get back together after a week - but it was close. That was six years ago.

It can't be easy being such a young mom. Having to fight for every bit of support is wearing too.

Your husband might be unable to help himself. Often on these forums, it comes out eventually that the husband has aspergers too. After all, it's a genetic condition.

I didn't empathize with my wife when we were having all that difficulty. She would tell me that there was something wrong with our child but I couldn't see it. He seemed normal to me. Of course, we later discovered that the reason was because it was normal to me. I was an aspie too.

You and your husband need to get some time out. You need to get the kids minded and go out to rediscover yourselves and remember why you chose to get married. We all need that every once in a while. You might want to take a book too. I'd suggest "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" and read it together - literally together. You'll discover a lot about yourselves there.

As far as the kids are concerned, if it feels like you're struggling all the time, then you're doing it right. Raising kids is VERY hard work. Everything you've said seems right to me and you're obviously a very good mother. One day, those around you will realise it but right now, they're probably just going to take you for granted.

Thank you for your post! I know raising kids is hard! I have 5. Their ages are the aspie 7, 4, 3 and 15 month twins! The aspie by far is the hardest to deal with right now!! I love him but sometimes wonder if I did things different would he still have this? My DH is not the biological father. DH adopted him after we got married. I am glad to know I am not alone in this fight!

Does your eldest like to interact with his siblings? I have a twin brother so I think that really helped me a lot when I was younger, as socially it was like having a very stable friendship, even though we fought so often, we always made up since we understood each other the best and had a lot of the same interests. Yeah he will eventually need to learn how to do things independently, but I'm sure you've noticed by now that it's gonna take a lot longer than it would, had he not have an ASD. I know that you and your husband will need an incredible amount of patience, but just try to focus on the fact that even an infinitesimally small step forward is a movement forward. It'll all add up to something awesome.

I don't know at all if this would work, but if your eldest has trouble accepting new things, I wonder if introducing the new thing to one of his siblings would eventually rub off on him? He may resist it if presented to him directly, but may become curious if he sees a family member poking around with it. Perhaps this would be more successful if he is close to any of his siblings? I don't know, just trying to think of things that could be of any help!

Aspies are always difficult children to deal with but he'll improve eventually.

Don't spend time on IF questions, they'll only get you upset.

That said; Aspergers is a genetic condition which is NOT caused by medications, immunisations, alcohol or any other substance. You could do everything differently but if you had the child with the same partner, or if you're the carrier (unlikely given your other children) with any partner, things would be exactly the same.

The more you begin to understand about aspergers, the easier things will become. If you use the aspergers characteristics (rules, for example) with the aspie, you'll get a great response.

One last thing... Aspies are often quite insensitive to pain. Being "hard" on an aspie is more likely to backfire than to actually work. I've been through that with my children and the best results always follow positives.

Stacie, have you considered going to a psychiatrist to get some help to support your needs?
Also, there is a really good autism awareness group on facebook that is mostly parents that you would probably fit into well.

What do you mean exactly by this? I ask because I asked a number of "if" questions in my post.

What I mean is to not dwell on the past... and not think about things you can't change now.

eg:

Knowing an answer to this question either way won't change the outcome because it's already happened. In this case, the answer was that nothing would make a difference but sometimes the answers will be more painful. You can't change them, so there's no point dwelling on them. IF questions can destroy people inside.

Oh I see, you weren't referring to my "if" questions, instead referring to Stacieberry's very hypothetical if's. In that case, yeah I completely agree.