Obsession turned me Fatalist

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If I am a vehicle, hope is my fuel.
I'm running out of it.

For the past 10 months, I've had no other obsession than this one girl at my school.
--Not in a romantic way, but being around her just makes me really, really happy and refreshed.
She doesn't particularly want to be friends, but refuses to tell me why or take ownership that she's the one barring the friendship.

For the past 10 months, every 37 seconds (The only way I have found to curb the mental obsession is to either play excessive World of Warcraft or mark tics with my pencil. Approx 2 tics per minute gets me my statistic,) I have been thinking of her and hoping to be friends. No one will give me any other advice other than "You'll move on." Very unhelpful.

It's been 10 months. The last time I tried to completely drain myself of any hope of being her friend, I nearly succeeded in drowning myself in the pond a mile away from my house. If my neighbor hadn't been walking her dog at the exact same time, I would have been peacefully at ease for the last 6 months. I've only been able to stay afloat since then (pun intended) because I keep fueling my hope in a feudal effort to stay alive long enough for the "move on" to kick in.

That's begun to stop working. For the past few days, I've been experiencing psycho-somatic issues (that's where the body has symptoms of the mental whackedness). Usually it's psychosomatic pain: it was leading up to the first attempt. I dont know how long until those set in again: but I say issues this time because it's been relatively mild so far. I've only lost all sensation in the right side of my face and the area between my second and forth rib.

I'm losing hope, after 10 months of suffering, and an indefinite more time of suffering ahead. I believe this is an AS related obsession, because it has replaced my previous obsession with trading card games. Besides thinking of this one girl, who I dont even think of sexually, I have actually had no other interest or thought on my mind.

So, I'm writing to ask... I don't know. I've tried medication, I've seen all levels of therapists and psychiatrists for weeks at a time. I've gone to intensives, and pledge affirmations, and met the humans halfway in all their remedies.

I turn to you now, because I hope for something more than "it will pass". Unlike the NTs, you know as well as I what it is like to have an obsession. What if you were barred from pursuing? What if you were not allowed to complete a ritual, a quirk... however you'd like to put it? Would you simply move on as easily as I am expected to? I know full well that sometimes they shift, but how long would you be willing to wait before you succumbed to the pain?

When I'm feeling religious, I'm giving God until April 30th to give me a sign. When I'm feeling agnostic, I hold dear the idea that in 30 years, the world will run out of natural fuels (true fact) and millions, hopefully me, will die as casualities in the ensuing chaos. When I'm feeling aeithist, I dont know whether I will live out the week.

For the past 10 months, I have been in pain. And that pain is finally going to be resolved one way or another.

...I just had to write it here because I've been told that the more times you say something, the more times you get to read over it and see if it all still makes sense.

I must confess, it's sad to read and realize how much sense and completion your self termination would result in.

I dont care what my parents feel: they've been abusive.
I dont care what my friends feel: I dont have any.
I dont care what about the finality: we all have to meet eternity head on at some point.
The only thing I care about is that one girl, with that smile that wrinkles her nose and touches my foolish heart.

And she very actively wishes to never have me bother her again.

I think... .... ... I think I will grant her wish.

It seems that you are freaking her out. She may make you happy in some way, but eventually her effect will ward off come your realization that she wants nothing to do with you. That never makes anyone happy. You, at this point in your rocky life, seem to be increasingly delusional, and she's picking up on it. That is enough to make anyone afraid, whether there is a reason or not.

As for personal experience, I don't often have an obsession I cannot somehow fulfill. Rather than waiting for a feeling to pass, try something else. Anything else; hell, do anything you're ever offered to do for recreation and look for others you may not be offered. You may just find something that gives you equal, if not even greater pleasure. Something that requires your mind's attention, like World of Warcraft does. Engross yourself in mysteries that no-one has been able to solve, or think of philosophy. I guarantee that there is something you find stimulating enough to consume your thoughts. I am reminded of Sherlock Holmes, or in a more modern-day presence, Dr. House. The reasons for their success in their fictional jobs- and the reason Sherlock abuses Cocaine- is their obsession with thought. If you can find something equally consuming that interests you, you stand a chance of pulling through. Now, meet ME halfway and find something that stimulates you in such a manner.

Oh, and for your sign before April 30th... Your neighbor found you before you drowned. God obviously didn't want you to die yet. I'm certain he wouldn't have you suffer another six months just to croak later.

Well good luck mate!

I guess there is one more piece of advice I can give. The Therapists and others telling you "it will pass"... that's partially correct; it WILL pass. The part they've failed to mention is that it can't pass without a reason. If you can't find something that will help you pass the time effectively, it won't have time to pass. You cannot continue to remind yourself of how you feel, no matter how often the despair arises. As you have already seen, despair screws people up. Being in an unshakable feeling of dismay is something that even powerful medications have had little effect on, at least in my case. You simply must do everything in your power to break your string of thoughts on her and your feelings about her dislike of you.