I am a bad human being and should not be here.

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I hate myself. I am selfish piece of ***t. I am, because i don't want to go after my sister. She wants to come at my cousins place for the weekend. She is 11y old. But i hate going to town and be seen by other people. They make me anxious. And when i am with my sister then i feel like i shouldn't be with her. Because i am not worth being someones sister. I think i am a bad person. That i hurt others with being depressed and a closed book. I would go with my cousin (he is 14), but i feel like i can't go there. She reminds me of myself a bit. She is in a mental hospital, the place i was a year ago. i feel like i am trash. I even hate the feeling i have when i have to be with her in a bus and look after her. I don't like to look after other people. I get a lot of uncomfortable feelings being with them. I feel like i should look after them, but then i feel like i don't belong. I feel like an alien and i get depressed thoughts. This is all so messy.
And between all these feelings and thoughts i get egoistic thoughts - Thoughts i don't like, but my anger that comes from all those feelings and these thoughts make me think this way. Like I really am a bad person and i don't care of nobody. And then i get suicide thoughts and so one. This is a mess, but i hope you understand and that you can tell me what is going on with me. I can't figure out. I can only hate myself for that.

And mabe when i get a better feeling tomorrow then i can get strenght to go after her with my cousin. And if you think about why i won't go alone then i can't because this makes me almost panic. I don't want to even think about going out there alone.

Shoot. I was a lot like yourself some years of my life. I hated myself. Still do sometimes. Don't feel too bad man. Your not worthless. You actually sound quite UNselfish just by posting this. I don't really like to look after people either lol. I'm not exactly the nurturing/extremely patient kind of person if you get me. Feel free to PM me if you want. If I knew who you were, believe me you would get out of the fear of being seen in NO time. I'm maybe THE most seen person in my entire zip code of over 18000 people. Only wish I could help there..but take it day by day and do what you gotta do.

First of all,you are not a bad person. But where is all this bottled up anger and resentment coming from? Why do you dislike your little sister so much much? Is it because she looks up to you for your more older and experienced guidance that many big
brothers provide?

When you go into town, do you put on sunglasses to help with your feelings of having people look at you? Sunglasses help many
other people with their feelings of insecurity...a kind of wall they can hide behind. Limit your time in public places...and take a
deep breath when you feel anxious.

Try to take each negative in your life and turn it around into a positive. It will take a lot of time and energy to practice this new
skill, but in the long run, you will begin to like yourself a whole lot better.

You deserve to be a good friend to yourself so stop beating yourself up so badly!

I kind of feel like that right now, but the criticism is more towards my abilities than my actions. I hate not being able to do what other people can do. Anywho, I see where you are coming from because I've said the same exact thing before. The fact that you are worried about it shows that you're not selfish. It's not your fault that you feel uncomfortable. People don't get hurt by you being depressed or a closed book, if they care about you they may feel helpless on how to help you, but not hurt. If they're hurt it's because they're the selfish ones and are hurt by the fact that you aren't willing to give them the attention they feel they deserve. You don't care about people possibly due to a fear that if you do, you may get more easily hurt. Don't put yourself down so much, nobody's perfect.

Firstly go not give in to thoughts of ending it all, killing yourself is not the answer.

Secondly you are very unlikely to be that bad a person, I have not meet you but I suspect that you are nowhere as bad as Andrei Chikatilo (he did real bad stuff).

Maybe you need to apply the ideas of CBT to yourself, think are you good or bad. If you think of the best man who has ever walked the earth as +10 and Chikatilo as 0 then you are at least not at the bottom of the pile.

Then I am sure that there are plenty of others who are not quite as bad as Chikatilo who are clearly worse than you.

Think of all the bad things which you have not done, or are not doing currently. Then you might understand how you fit into the grand scheme of things.

Suddenly when you think about that way then you might understand that you are not a bad guy after all.

_________________
Health is a state of physical, mental and social wellbeing and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity I am not a jigsaw, I am a free man !

Diagnosed under the DSM5 rules with autism spectrum disorder, under DSM4 psychologist said would have been AS (299.80) but I suspect that I am somewhere between 299.80 and 299.00 (Autism) under DSM4.

whoa whoa whoa!! !! ! calm down, throw away blzzard of ozz cd, or just dont listen to track...5, buy a couple of KoRn cds and blame everything on the republicans. remember, it isnt your fault. developing a narcissistic personality disorder is what i did to stop depression. also, get yourself checked for bipolar disorder, and dont hurt yourself in any way! remember, it isnt EVER your faul!! !

Skonamis, from what I can read is that you have low self esteem from having been in a mental hospital?
Could this be the reason for you being uncomfortable to go in public places, with your sister(or without)?

Having been a patient in a mental hospital does not make you a bad person, skonamis..
besides it is the past now and you should move on ...

I bet with some more confidence you can be a great sister and she will always remember you for that you looked out for her and did stuff with her.

I hope you have a really great Day with your little sister!

Today we went after my sister, but when we got there then it turned out that my sister didn't tell her doctor that she wanted to come with us. We didn't know that. So we had to stay for almost two hours there, waiting for the helpful nurse, who tryed to call to my sisters doctor, but she never answered. So at the end we had to say goodbye and go away.
Good thing is, that it was quite rainy in the morning and i like this weather better than a sunny day. And on a rainy day there would be less people in town.
When me and my cousin went there, then i wasn't the one to speak to the nurse, It was my cousin who is 3 years younger than me. Pahh, i feel so r3tard3d for that.

But thank you for your replies and explanations.

They need to consider your needs too, Skonamis; it can't be just you considering their needs all the time. You are not a piece of s**t; you are one of us! You will be useful to us even if you are useless to them.

When I was a teenager someone close to me had to go to get some help too.

Back then I hated that person for having all those problems, I thought this craziness was ruining my live.

I did not know this person was 'autistic' and gave this person a hard time myself by rejecting her.
I just wanted her to go away and at the same time loved her too. It was very conflicting.


I wished I could have been more of a support to this person.

I think it was really great of you to go see your sister ( did you get a chance to talk to her?)
Did you regret that you went?

I like the rain too, it makes you feel as you can breath so much easier and all the worries get washed away...

Don't feel stupid for not being able to talk to the nurse...
You went to your sister even though you really did not want to go at first, that shows you are a strong person. She is lucky to have you as her sister!