Why do we even try to save ourselves or others around us?

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I want to kill myself. I do.

What else is there to say? I've wanted to kill myself on a weekly basis...with the only things that save me are the little bits of hope that something good that I desire to happen will come true. Yet seldom they come true. I've stopped hoping anymore. While I put on my mask of cheerfulness and optimism around those I know, deep inside I've become extremely bitter and cynical.

I've tried help and it's done nothing but bring more despair to my life. I feel abnormal. I guess I should, seeing as I am. I'm an outlier, an irregularity. I feel like nobody genuinely understands me except for my fellow aspies. And I shouldn't expect them to. So now a new question has come to mind...

Why bother trying to save myself? I want to die. I don't want to live a life where I can't understand those around me and vice versa. I know that is not going to change. Perhaps the worst thing that hits is the fact that I've felt unhappy my whole life...and when things actually start to work out and I start to do good, I become severely uncomfortable, because I know what depression feels like and I seldom know what honest happiness feels like.

The other thing that keeps me from smothering myself till the darkness closes is the fact that my passing would deeply harm those around me to an extent I can't even imagine. I can't do that to other people, so I feel forced to live this life of complete absurdity. It's torture. It's hell. It's incomprehensibly painful to make it for the next sunrise.

I just know that if someone I loved felt as I did, I wouldn't want them to live if I knew they were as unhappy as I. I'd sadly, but respectfully accept whatever outcome they choose.

ugh

its my understanding if one takes his or her own life you have to come back and try to learn the same lessons over again,going through the same pain the same experiances, we do not have a soul, we are soul, and soul exists because god luvs it. our bodies are just a shell a vehicle , to get us as soul around ,we are here for one reason, to learn to give and recieve luv.ican tell your heart is much more open than mine was at 17. as i got older all my problems remained the same,what changed is my ability to deal with them. i aged gracefully. you will age gracefully too

Don't commit suicide. It's not worth it. Your young, and haven't that much life experience yet (I'm young too, and I tell myself this all the time). We all feel depression, and it seems to be much more common in us than it is for the NTs. When you start to feel depressed, stop thinking about the negatives in your life and start thinking about the positives. Think about the things that you like and the things that make you happy. If you need to, go out and find a place to have fun in, like an arcade or a bowling alley (don't worry about being bad at bowling as I've yet to meet someone who's actually good at it). I know what it's like to feel isolated from the rest of the world, but that's no reason to kill yourself over. You never know, but you could find someone in this vast, blue world that understands you perfectly. And if you need to, spend some time with your loved ones.

I hope my advice helps you. There are a lot more reasons to live than there are to die.

what exactly has you down and hopeless? If we knew the situation, maybe we could be better at helping? I had these feelings a lot when I was younger and even til my mid 20's, but if I had gone with through with the thoughts in my head, I would have missed out on meeting my wife and now I have a child on the way. Looking back, all my problems weren't that big anyway. Then again, I don't know of any problem big enough that suicide is worth committing. Ya know, short of post apocalyptic zombie attack.

i hated feeling like that.

when all you want is to escape all the crap.

that's what it is, dude. crap. it's like a meatgrinder we get shoved into and cranked through with no choice in the matter, this life. being life's beef is tough sometimes. it was ok when we were part of the muscle. we went outside, got excersize, enjoyed the sunlight... but only when we were told to. then the cow died and everything went crazy. first we were cut up, then cut down to their specifications. things seemed to get worse from there. it was cold, all the time, and there were more of us now, but i was different. they all looked like they got it and i just didn't. they were all precisely butchered into uniform perfection and they knew it. i just didn't fit in. they didn't get me and i didn't get them. things were bad. they conspired against me and even my closest friends were in on it. then it got, somehow, even worse. the butcher reached in and plucked me out and put me into the grinder. i thought it was bad when the cow died. this was agony. i was smooshed and smashed and cranked out the other side. i looked like vomit and i didn't care. the other cuts wouldn't even look at me anymore. i really didn't care. they thought i was crazy. that i didn't understand. they were the crazy ones. they thought it was all about others like them. i knew there was a real world and that we were only part of it.
then the butcher came back. this time he ripped me apart and pounded me over and over again. then he rolled me around and pounded me again. i don't really know much after that. he smashed me pretty good and it got cold. colder than the fridge was. i froze through. things really couldn't be worse. i remember the world coming back into focus. it was warm. it smelled really bad. i was on a plate and there was nothing covering me. it wasn't even cold! i think i actually felt better then than i ever had since i was a cow. it got better, too. i got taken out in the sun by the pool. it looked like everyone was having a great time. they were all happy to see me. i got tossed on the grill and lit on fire. those other cuts would have been terrified. not me though. this is just the way things go. at least i went out with some good condiments, a bed of lettuce, some cheese, and some sweet buns.




by the way, i'm a cheeseburger.



no really though, for a lot of us, life involves a metaphorical meat grinder. kids used to throw rocks at me in middle school. they seemed to actually get worse in high school with their damn games. i didn't know i was on the spectrum back then. i didn't even know about the spectrum. as far as i understood, you were either severely autistic or you weren't autistic. all i knew was that i didn't fit in and i felt like everyone was talking about me behind my back. i had 1 or 2 friends at any given time, and then 4 or 5 more people that i would associate with regularly, and then another 10 or 20 whose names i cared to remember.

i was constantly second guessing reality and the worth of existing in it. i found a place on the internet where i could just be me. sure it still had all the types of people i didn't like, and all the types that didn't like me, it made it possible for me to find more than one or two that i actually wanted to talk to. melodramatic.com not only gave me a release for the last 7 years, it helped me realize that i wasn't alone. just rare. it got me to party and actually let loose instead of being guarded and defensive and anxious the whole time. because the website is personal blog/guestbook based instead of discussion based, it let me talk about whatever i wanted. if i wanted to join a discussion, i could do that too but i didn't feel like i had to. that also meant that i would have tons of usable data about everyone i met at small gatherings, and eventually, i would find myself well known and generally accepted, positively, even by people who in more natural social interactions would dislike and likely harass me.




look. the point is, life sucks sometimes. it's not like things magically get better when you grow up and move out. they get a lot harder. but you don't have any options right now, so death is acceptable. i never had the balls to go through with it. i got close, but instead i joined the army. that's not me telling you to do that, it's a bad idea for anyone with a brain. it was just my escape. i signed up when i was 17. i guess it was really my way of forcing myself to get a job. i can be pretty passive aggressive about things like that.

i went from home to the army to home to living with my sister and brother-in-law to living with my ex girlfriend and 8 other people in a 4 bedroom house to an apartment engaged to one of the roommates from the old house.

you're not crazy. life's crazy. you're just living it. i really hope you make it through this. the cold undignified downpoor that is life hits everyone at some point growing up. even the "normal" people think their world sucks sometimes. it's the ones who feel it at it's hardest and coldest that i find best understand and enjoy the world.

you'll get better at understanding other people. maybe not the way they understand each other. maybe not as well, maybe better. you're lucky, as far as i'm concerned. you can see what it is that makes you different instead of just not being normal. hold out for more options. none of us likes being in a cage. real or figurative.

good luck with life, dude. it sucks but it's worth it. besides, you'll die eventually anyways. why not see what else you can do?

I guess the thing you have to wonder right now... Is if you're going to have the courage to stand down this problem and maybe learn from it, maybe get the shock of your life that your views are wrong and that you can understand others on a general level.

Maybe understand that someone who hurts as deeply as you do inadvertently already understands others such as the people who are writing in this topic and answering you, hoping and praying that you're going to pull through this.

There are ways to understand on a basic level, what are you aiming for? There are books that explain body language in detail. What is the something good that you want out of life? What exactly do you want for yourself?

I think I am beginning to realise that life is a pretty absurd, messed up, munted process for many of us. Not all of us are born with the genes and simultaneously given the environment which oils the way for us and allows us to just flow through life. I realise that I was not blessed with these things. I think for many of us it is a matter of making something of whatever bizarre situation we end up in, and also realising that bad circumstances may not last forever. At least we know with this board we are not alone.