scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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1. Horrible, horrible, horrible anxiety.

-6

Having waited over a year to get support from the National Autistic Society, it's now over after only two months, much of which was spent introducing myself. Being my almost sole source of hope for over a year to see it flounder and now die is fairly crucifying. Apparently, I'm too psychological for there services, it's instead aimed at people of lower functioning. Am I high functioning? I was sacked from my last job 20 months for simply standing there crying meanwhile I was inches away from failing university.

Regardless, the true issue that hurts currently is that I'm convinced the support could be used well but I simply cannot communicate it to these people. They are literally refusing to listen to me, not allowing me to talk on certain topics to argue that the support should not be ended. Alienation is all I've really felt during this sorry excuse for an existence, surely people trained specifically in Autism would be people who could understand me. It seems not.

4 meh, pretty average, but a bit upset

I just overheard a conversation between my mom and a friend of hers...

They where talking about this weird thing my mom had with her friends and their kids (which I didn't attend because I was dying of gastritis in my house)...

So they were talking about this kid (one of her acquaintance's kids) who had various issues, he has been kicked out from 4 schools because of his horrible behaviour (like pushing 2 girls down the stairs and almost tearing a boy's finger off)

Well the thing is that my mom said she and her friends noticed that the kids ignored him the whole event and she said that the most recent dinner (or whatever it was) with her friends and their kids (I don't know why I didn't go to this one) they asked the kids why they didn't let him play with them and the response is simply unsettling...the boy suggested committing several acts of violence towards one boy's pet (like electrocuting it) and hurting a girl till she bled out (or something like that) and I remember one thing she mentioned he said that just made me get all queasy and I don't know...just ughhh.... and it was "Haven't you ever imagined how fun it would be to tear a dog in half?"

I don't know, I just got the immediate urge to tell this as*hole off...and Even if I had seen him like four times in my life...I just want to kick him or something....

I believe he needs some serious therapy in order to avoid hurting others

I don't know why I let this affect me so much...seriously it's not even my problem and I haven't seen this sack of s**t in about 6 years...but I have always thought of that kid as someone really unpleasant and now that I know of his violent urges....I just dislike him more and more

Hugs to (((((((all above going through ups and downs)))))))

Well it looks like a very nice day today. A 5 again I think. I just got settled with my cup of coffee and water crackers and swiss cheese when the jerk next door goes and gets his chainsaw out and I had to go back and put my earplugs in again.

Will they never stop using that thing over there? What are they doing, filming Saw VII ? Every time someone moves into that house they build stuff on it and destroy bits of it. Noone seems to accept that poor house as it is. It has had so many owners and tenants. How lovely it would be to have a quiet elderly couple living there who own no sawing implements, hammers, drills....

anyway apart from what is a smallish inconvenience, everything is pretty much the same way it was yesterday.

I'm about a seven, feeling euphoric for some reason It's crazy what my mood swings revolve around these days; becoming a doctor. I'd love to be a doctor, and on a good day I can convince myself I'll be able to do it, and on a bad day I feel like I can't. I don't know why I want to become a doc so bad, but it's a life-or-death thing for me. Maybe it's because I feel I have to compensate for being the way I am by using the positive aspects of my...self.

+9 i got latex clothing and a bp cuff for my bithday

_________________
check out my website at {redacted by admin - domain taken over and points to a porn site}

When in doubt, ask an autistic. Chances are, they're obsessed with what you need to know.

Autism Speaks will NEVER speak for me

CLASSIC AUTISM

-10 my evening's ruined by some kid acting like a jerk.

^Sorry to hear that.


I'm doing pretty good. I went to the Dr yesterday and found out I lost another 9 pounds, and that makes almost 40 since March. Ten or 15 more, and I'll be where I want to be. I'll give today a +6.

0.

-2

I have lost my thirst again, and I know I am dehydrated. I feel like a disgrace to my family, due to my jobless status. I'm tired of being the worst looser possible in their book. Steal? Not in the lowest level of hell! Beg? I'll die before that happens!

I don't hate beggars at all. In fact, I had been giving to a few of them, remembering that some didn't choose that and others are possible fakes.

Probably a 2. Its such a beautiful day, though cold. There are not many clouds in the sky, mostly blue, with clouds at the edge. It was a foggy morning this morning but now that has cleared up. I like winter days like this as the blue sky looks cheerful, would be cool if it snowed though, but I dont think it will ever happen here.

Anyway, I am here, looking down the barrel of all the housework I have to do and reflecting on how ill-equipped I am to do it all. I am thinking of going on a sort of "vacuuming binge" where i race around madly with the vacuum cleaner to try and outrun the growing feeling of muscle tension and boredom and dyspraxic frustration, and urge to go and read about something interesting...

I think the problem is the scale of the work I have to do. I am a sort of lightweight when it comes to working and to organisation, but I have this 15 room house to look after, and 2 pets, plus all my own stuff. It wouldnt sound like a lot to most people but to me it is really difficult to focus and perform all these tasks. I wonder how i would manage if I had a child.. I find this hard enough. I dream of having a tiny apartment or cottage that requires little care.

Anyway I should stop being lazy and just get to it... it is waiting for me.

probably a 4 (which after recent days, is very good)

My project supervisor admitted she has been suspected of AS traits, which is probably why we had a good discussion about my dissertation, she actually helped me with some of the equations I need, got enthusiastic about some of my conclusions and basically helped me structure it properly. I just have to write it properly now.
On the downside, my son is as high as a kite on additives as my mother doesn't check labels/gets worn down from his nagging. He pushed me down the bottom stair and kicked me in the stomach for asking him to button his pyjamas.

^^I hope things start lookin up for ya, ladies.



I'm doing pretty damn good today, if i do say so myself. I have definitely been feeling the manic side of my bi-polar, and it has it's benefits. I'm happy, I get alot of work done at home, plus I'm too wired to be depressed, or tired. It's all good til i crash, but I'm not going to worry about that til it happens. So....Here's to living in the now.


Oh yeah....I give today a +7.2354788969.

-4.523123123856456456456456210123123456456...

I'm siCk

^
Hope you get well soon.

~

I feel lousy.... socially everything seems so f*cked up at present and yesterday evening I had a real violent tantrum.

-4.

Bugger.