Why I hate myself

Post Reply New Topic

I've spent some time trying to figure out why I hate myself so much. The AS really doesn't explain the way I am, and it's no excuse for the way I think or feel or behave. I tend to blame all my problems on autism, when really there is something wrong with me personally. There is a divide between me and the rest of the human population, including other aspies. There are two groups of people - the rest of the world, a group of normal, healthy, responsible people, and me, an inferior life form. I am not a human. I am a dud.

The way I see myself and my relationship with the rest of the world is not something that I can describe using the limited faculties of the English language, but there is an explanation that I have come up with. I had an epiphany during an episode of psychosis a few years ago, in which I got a glimpse into the essence of my life and my self. I don't fully understand the thoughts I had then, because they are outside the realm of human philosophical reasoning, but I wrote down the revelation I had:

I wish someone would help me understand myself and my self loathing, but no one understands the way I think. Only one who is insane can understand what I have seen.

I obviously cannot understand exactly how your mind works, but in my own way I can identify with what you're saying. That revelation you had definitely rings true somehow for me, but like you said it's defficult/impossible to put my finger on exactly how.

I dunno though, I don't see myself as "inferior" to the "normal people" in the world, I just acknowledge that I'm not like them. The way my brain works is a pain in the ass at times but in general I actually enjoy it.

In my opinon, it sounds like that you seem that ur far apart from the whole, you feel lonely? Nobody to talk to and you feel like nobody understands?

Do you have anything that your good at or a particular talent? When you focus on that, you feel you do belong and you would also feel that your not an alien after all

was I right about how your feeling by the way?

I'll take a shot at it. If I'm not even close, just ignore me.

Maybe you were told from a very early age that you are unacceptable, that you're doing it wrong, that you can't be trusted to live until you become someone else.

When you live with someone who doesn't understand or like you at a profound level, he can develop habits of punishing you that are little more than a reflex. It's like playing whack-a-mole. Any time you smile or in any way act like you think you're normal or worthy of a happy moment, they need to smack you down. After a while, you stop trying.

It may be little consolation, but what you write here and in the other post it sounds like you are describing my life. I have learned to sort of separate myself from all of this stuff and look at it with some detachment although it is my life. This does keep me from falling into major depression or psychosis, but it also leaves me feeling isolated and feeling like these are things that I can never really express to anyone.

When you say "only one who is insane can understand what I have seen"
I feel this way too. I have since I was about 19.

When you say, or the voices say "this is not the real thing" It reminds me of a time when I said to a girlfriend "none of this is real" and she had no idea what I meant.
I'm not even really sure what I meant. A psychiatrist would probably call it derealization and maybe it is just some sort of delusion or altered perception, but it seems like more than that and many philosophers and sages have said something similar. like Plato's allegory of the cave for example.

I agree with superboyian though, working on things that I enjoy and working toward goals seem to really help me maintain my sanity. At times I look at how bad my relationships are and how far away everyone seems and it could really get me down, but I know there are things that bring me satisfaction and joy and I have learned to take it where I can find it. I have taught myself not to dwell on the negative aspects of my life because they are far too overwhelming and if I let them, I know that they will devour me.

I hope you are feeling better soon.

Is this useful?
http://www.isst-d.org/education/faq-dissociation.htm

How does that describe me?

I guess that answers my question.
I don't pretend to understand everything.
If it's not useful, just ignore it.

Obviously self hatred is a barrier to participation in life. How can you participate in life while hating the “you” that is doing it?

Thanks for your clear description of this human condition - it’s not unusual as you might think.

Assuming that we’re sent here to participate in life, overcoming the self hate is a necessary first step.

I worked for a long time trying to understand my self hate. It was painful and may not have been a highly successful strategy (although it may have been a necessary step).

There are more direct approaches to reducing self hatred….