I went to my psychiatrist yesterday, had 3 panic attacks on my way over there (20 minute walk from my apartment) . Left an hour later, had 2 more panic attacks on my way home.
Entered my living room closed the drapes, drank some water, put on some music, tried to relax. Didn't succeed.
Tried to sleep was awoken an hour later by yet another panic attack, went back to my living room (was around midnight) felt really bad, didn't know what to do , I opened a bottle of Absinthe and put all my medication before me on the table, lit a candle. Started drinking and taking Zolpidems, Alprazolams, Inderals and Circadins, wanted the 'pain' to stop. Kept on drinking very slowly. Started writing. Saw someone tried to talk to me on msn ( 2 in the morning) it was my brother, I told him how I felt and he came to visit. He tried to convince me to go to sleep I said I would, thanked him for visiting and continued taking pills and drinking. Wrote a text message to a girl I love (but don't know how to continue the 'relationship' she is NT) went to bed.
This morning my parents and brother and sister stood next to my bed (they also have a key) they thought they would find me death. I didn't know what to say,could hardly stand on my feet, was (/ am) ashamed and don't know what to do. Can't sleep ,don't understand what happened and what reason I have still being here. Nothing has changed. Everything still is loneliness.
Time for a renaissance I guess but how...
14 Jan 2010, 8:08 pm
