I'm now realizing, having read up some more on autism, that I have not one, but TWO children on the spectrum, if children with PDD NOS are included. I'm not even certain if they are, everything is written so vaguely. My six year old son had been going to a special school for the past couple of years. My oldest son, who is 15, was the one diagnosed with PDD NOS when he was in preschool. The school district said that his test scores on the MEAP, the Michigan school assessment ones, were fine so that he didn't need any special help anymore a couple of years ago. Now, he's had to repeat the eighth grade, and he's really struggling through it this year, too. I talked to the school and told them I was worried because although he's intelligent he seems to be having a hard time. They told me to take him to a psychologist or whatever and then get back to them, however everyone else is telling me that it's the school's responsibility to test him.
In other news, as I said in my introduction, having tried to educate myself about autism since my six-year old was diagnosed, I've become pretty convinced that I am also on the spectrum. So I called the special school he goes to and asked where an adult would go to get tested. They referred me to a clinic and I called them. Yesterday a psychologist from the clinic called me. He was very dismissive and seemed to think I was pretty stupid. He said lots of people "read stuff on the internet" and think they have things. He said that to get tested I'd have to go to the University of Michigan. Then he wanted to know why I thought I was on the spectrum. I said some things, then he said that from hearing me talk on the phone I didn't sound autistic to him??? He wanted me to fill out a bunch of paperwork and come in and talk to him to find out why I thought I was. I ended up breaking down crying after hanging up with him.
The thing is, I've been to psychologists and to a therapist before. The therapist declared that I must have been molested as a child because she could just TELL. Very scientific of her. I told her I couldn't remember anything and she said I just had to remember harder. I've heard of the whole repressed memories thing before, and what I've heard makes it sound pretty suspicious, frankly. I ended up ditching the therapist when all she wanted to do was make small talk and tell me to try harder to remember when I got touched in my bad place or whatever.
I guess I'm just so frustrated with everyone. I go to psychiatrists and tell them I'm depressed and anxious and they give me a pill to make me less anxious or depressed. They never try to find out why I am so anxious and depressed. I know myself, and I know that the anxiety and depression comes and goes but the reason doesn't.
I'm terrible with people. I mean I've gotten better at the small talk thing, but I really don't come off well face to face unless I'm very comfortable with the person and I'm in a small group or one on one. I had one of the highest SAT scores in high school and yet the gym teacher thought that I was mentally ret*d. A lot of my anxiety comes from years of people treating me like I'm touched in the head. I am sometimes downright terrified of dealing with authority figures, especially.
I used to work as a secretary in a doctor's office for a number of years, but that was a struggle, too. Filling out the insurance forms was alright, but I had to answer the phones and I had to greet people at the front desk. The thing is, I did okay at first but it got harder and harder, until the last year at that job I'd end up locking myself in the bathroom and crying every day, sometimes several times in a day.
Sorry this is so long. I'm just feeling kind of down and lost. I'm supposed to be able to be there for my kids but I just seem to barely have the strength to make it through the day half the time.
24 Mar 2010, 6:53 am
