demoluca wrote:
Note:everyone wears a mask to hide who they really are(even you)! !!People look right through me.Teachers, kids, and other adults.I try to somehow get them to notice me but I'm only met by the same seemingly programmed in comebacks and glances(its a mask for who they really are so afraid to fall to fail afraid in every way to become more flatbread so stale), like I can't get anything real out of anyone(What is real?ever?easy...WHAT YOU MAKE OUT TO BE REAL IS REAL TO YOU WHILE EVERYTHING ELSE IS A DRAEM).I honestly believe it's starting to affect my sanity(then stop making this real for as you have said it is not, learn to reconize what exactly people are Really thinking. its not what they do say but what they do not).Every day i feel more disconnected from everything then the previous day(who says you have to connect with whats there or whats not but what lies within you? what is the truth you seek? the lies that you eat?).Sometimes I question whether or not I am really here(what is there but what you make out to be?what do u see?a reflection of who you try to be?), going to school and typing this, or if i am locked away some place Imagining all this.Some days if i do get genuine things from people around me, I am ridiculed for it(people are not open. ever,if you want real look at yourself thats the only real thing here, everything else is what you make it out to be).Every time I get real emotions that are not negative, i get knocked back down again.(just an idea but ummmm You might want to get real friends that dont knock you down)
and people just keep closing in(the only way to get through life is to be yourself and true ti yourself screw every1 else, if being tre means joining in then so be it most people just see you beacause they adore or admire you in one way or another, why else would they want you in this way so badly??).They WANT me to be assertive, they WANT me to join in, they WANT me to be this social little freak, they WANT me to get all this help I don't need and get the stigma that comes with it.I feel pressure.My parents all did these wild and assertive things.I can't do those.I can't look someone in the eyes and tell them off.I can't do any of that.(the bueatiful thing is tou dont have to, you only need to become yourself you are the person you make out to be BY doing things wither subtle or WILDLY ACERTIVE. one is not worse or better than another, like the elements of human persona it just is.)
I don't want to change myself, but as of now no-one around me seems happy with what I am doing now(If you wnat someone to like,understand,love,pro-create with YOU NEED TO SEARCH for them, they are not going to come to you, they themselfs are surrounded by BS if they are truly a kindred spirt in one way or another.).No-one attaches them self to me and says "i'm her best friend." I try to attach myself to people this way but everyone is taken.I'm falling and sinking.(no one is taken only forbidden by your own set of rules and circumstances. If you truly look you will find a way.)
You see only problems and ask many questions and it is fitting that i anwser you with questions for they are the anwsers that you seek not cryptic words that i lay down. anwser the questions not by solution of explanation but by asking the RIGHT question in return. A question with no anwser deserves another lookthrough and a recrimination Does it noT?
I want to scream at people that I am real, that I think and feel(and do they understand?).I want to know that they do the same(and do you understand them?), and hat i'm not a madwoman(are you mad or is the relation in between) and they aren't a madwoman's delusions(are you deluted or blessed with a gift unknowing?).I can't escape(escape from what?yourself?your home? this reality? it is made by thine own hand).I'm trapped in a tiny little box that's squeezing in at all sides(then make that box bigger gods knows this world is big enough).Soon i will explode(then explode by pushing back the boundarys and boxes to make your own shape and shade insted of the same shade of grey).I will malfunction.People will think i am insane.And i'm not able to make it stop.(nothing to stop only to change and shift into another mask more becoming of your fasade)
Help.
13 May 2008, 9:59 pm
If you don't assert yourself, you will get pushed around and walked all over.
