Realization: life - not for me?

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I've been dealing with depression for over half my life, and have been in therapy and on medication for the last 4 years. I always looked at my situation as "I'll fix my depression, I'll get better, get happy, and then I can straighten my life out", but after a discussion I had with someone today, I came to the realization that it doesn't work like that. Right now, all I can do to stay afloat is fill my days with things that I enjoy (maybe a better term would be things that I don't despise), and try to be as content as I can. I can't ever see myself having a job and taking enough enjoyment out of life with my free time to come out "ahead". I would just be in an emotionally negative hole. I don't know how people manage to live their lives, putting all of that work and time into staying afloat just so that they can have a nice slice of pizza on Friday or see a funny movie on Saturday. It doesn't balance for me.

I also refuse to sit and stagnate where I'm at as a financial and emotional black hole continually draining from my family. Maybe life just isn't for me - maybe it's the worse of two evils. Would I be better off dead? I'm not really scared of death. I don't want to end my life out of anger, impulse, or sadness, I'm just trying to make a well informed decision, because I can't live like I am any longer.

It's your choice. Don't do it because of others. If you hate life, end it. If you feel that you're a pain to others, don't end it because of that. All I'm saying.

Unhappiness doesn't last.
It is a state of turmoil, and this sort of state will not go on forever.
What helps me the most is finding ways to relax, and keep my mind from cycling with these depressing thoughts.
Some good advice I heard once was that if you decide you want to kill yourself then you should run yourself to death.
Running always makes me feel better. I take out my frustrations by just pushing myself on until I am exhausted. Then I can relax, and things are in much better perspective.

I hope you feel better soon.

I don't think you've gone through what he has. He's not just 'unhappy' I can totally hear what he is saying. He has not only severe depression and most likely has lived most of his life in genuine disinterest of most everything that exists in the world, and that living life for him in *this world* is energy draining and spirit sucking because of the type of person he is on a bioligical level. The world as it exists now is a poison to his nature and how he'd like to live, he feels forced to adapt to what is to him an 'unnatural state', you can tell just by reading his words.

well I can't say if I have been through the same thing, but I have experienced clinical depression, and have been on the brink of suicide.

What I was saying was more a philosophical statement, and just something that helps me to get through hard times. I know that when I am depressed if I just let go of everything on an emotional level, then I can find release without actually committing suicide.

I used to think that if things ever got that bad I would just move somewhere new and start over.
As I got older I realized that there were things that would always follow me wherever I went and make life miserable.
But it is still possible just to give up for a while, retreat from the world and find some perspective.
Once you have lost everything, and are really ready to take your life, then it's possible to approach life with a new freedom.

I guess all I am really saying is that you can't make a well informed decision to take your life, because you don't really know what the future holds.
I despise my life a lot of the time, but I just keep living to see what will happen.

My thoughts are before i give up I am going to try atleast 100 drugs.

Have you used Nardil (a powerfull anti-depressant?)

Or

1)TRANSMAGNETIC STIMULATION
http://sulcus.berkeley.edu/mcb/165_001/ ... /_905.html

2) Cranial Electrical Stimulation(non-implanted not ECT) CES
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cranial_El ... timulation

3)implantable vagus nerve stimulator

4) ECT

Its fine to feel death is an option but the lack of creativity to deal with a situation
is the real problem. I hear people who complain after using a few drugs that
nothing works. Drugs work try enough you will find agents that work.

Can I ask roughly how old you are?

I'm 50, and "over half my life" is over 25 years, and yes, I've been fighting depression that long. Haven't won either, but as another poster has pointed out there are still things I haven't tried. I'm keeping ECT as a last resort, though I've run the gamut on medication.

Suicide is the last option you get to try, so try every other option first.




You can. On a bad day that can be part of the horror.
On a good day there is a moment, a glimmer... But I won't exaggerate that.
But until you can honestly say "There's NOTHING I haven't tried," suicide is premature.

Unhappiness *can* last, you just have to find ways to deal with it as best you can. My husband has been clinically depressed since adolescence, and believe me, he is HARD to live with at times. He says he is just waiting to die because he finds life so hard .
He loved to do physical work - making things out of wood, etc.........he can't now, he is physically disabled through illness (Arthritis) so he's even more depressed.

You have to find some ways to cope - maybe meditation, exercise, excellent books, yoga - try until something helps.
I made 3 serious attempts on my life in the past - one almost worked. I decided it was obviously not meant to be. Take your strength from any means you can and always believe that something good *could* happen when you least expect it!.
Best of luck .

Anyone who can say that is not out of determination yet.

And like Emettman said; you can go on living. Life will not be over until you decide it is, and suicide is permanent. So you had better be damn sure about it if you do decide.

lunchbox good luck

Don't allow the depression to destroy you. Fight back. There will be better days.

One of my relatives has had a severe depression for about twenty years. It was very hard for the family to deal with her depression. Recently she went through a group therapy program at the local hospital. It's really quite amazing and at first we didn't think the group therapy was helping at all, but she has come a long way. I've seen it with my own eyes that a person can get better. I hope you find the right treatment. Keep trying. It's out there, you just have to find the answer.

I really this might be a totally inappropriate suggestion, but have you tried medical marijuana? I know one other person who has been hospitalized a few times for depression and her miracle drug turned out to be medical marijuana. I say "medical" to emphasize that this person doesn't use it for mere recreational use. I have heard it can work wonders for depression. And it's not a case of getting "stoned" either. Something in the herb helps to control depression, even when taken in very small amounts that do not induce the "stoner" effect.

I'm 28 and I am finally making some progress in my depression, which I've had since I was about 8 years old. 20 years is a long time, but I think there is light at the end of the tunnel.

What I've realized is that I have to like and love myself, and not worry about what other people think. That sounds stupid and contrite, but for me, it's real. Since elementary school, I was always ridiculed for being 'weird' and 'different'. While in high school and college, people were a lot more accepting, I had internalized the insults other people had given me since childhood and I thought they were a part of myself.

If I was interested in a subject, I would think "Oh, that's really nerdy. If I'm into that, that's nerdy, and no one wants to be with a nerd. " I believed I was a loser because that's what other people had told me. As I got older, I worried more that people would be scared of me as a loner and weirdo, like I was gay, or a serial killer, or pervert.

Finally I decided (and it wasn't easy) "Screw other people. If they think I am a nerd, F them. I like certain kinds of things, I have this personality, I am intelligent, and I like that about myself. I won't be embarassed about it anymore. "

So finally I am believing in myself and investing my time in money in things that I enjoy. I will not live my life always basing my self on what other people say. Nobody knows me and understands my situation better than I do, and you know what? I like what I like, and I won't internalize other people's criticism anymore.

Some people out there are false friends. My sister is involved in a church group, and while they are nice and supportive of me, they really want me to be someone other than who I am. They think that if they are nice enough to me, I will 'come out of my shell', give up my strange interests, get a regular job at a large company, get married, and start popping out babies. Sorry, not interested, that's not who I am and there is nothing wrong with me. They say they will accept you just as you are, but they can't see me as I am. I am not mad at them -- they truly believe what they do and believe is good -- you just need to get these people out of your life. They are not helping you, despite what they may think.

I also had a serious gf a few years back. She was somewhat nerdy, and very disciplined. She was a strict vegan, a serious practicing buddhist, and a dedicated and talented artist. Also she was gorgeous. I really enjoyed talking to her, but as time went on, she became more and more critical of me and my opinions and interests. She made fun of me for being a nerd. She thought she was being sweet, but really, she hated that nerdy part of herself, and didn't want to see it in me, either.

Because I respected her so much, I internalized her criticism and tried to become someone that I'm not. It was really painful. It's taken me a long time to recover from that. I internalized her criticisms of me, and I began to hate myself. Sometimes when I am reading about something nerdy, I can hear her voice doing a nasal imitation of me -- which I don't even sound like. I am working on getting out of the habit of 'listening to her' and listening to my own inner self, who truly likes and loves me for who I am, and is interested and gets joy from nerdy subjects. I based my whole self-esteem on what she thought of me, and I suffered at her whims for it. I am now slowly learning this, and getting out of self-critical habits.

Basically, be who you are, learn to listen to your own true self, who really does enjoy the things you enjoy.

Don't listen to other people when they make fun of you for your intelligence or interests. They do that as a defense mechanism, because their own lives are miserable, and the only way they can feel better about themselves and their struggle to be cool and popular to knock you down as uncool and unpopular. This is not just schoolyard stuff, but adult jerks who have better clothes, better cars, and flashier lives. They hate themselves too because they don't love themselves, and they are not satisfied with what they have now. They always want more and better, and will never be happy because you will never get 'more' and 'better'. You will only have what you have right now.

When you work on becoming who you are, you gain self-confidence, and you will slowly attract similiar, self-confident people who love themselves and pursue their own individuality and identity. These people will be strong and true, be genuinely interested in you for who you are, internally, and not try to change you so they can feel better about themself.

I'm 17. I've been through a handful of medication combinations, most recently Welbutrin, and I'm currently on Zoloft. The problem is though, I was looking at my problem with life as if my view were skewed because of my depression, but I've realized that I'm not someone who has the ability to live as others do. Emettman, how do you support yourself financially and stay emotionally intact? How have you managed to live for 50 years?

I'm an optometrist, so relatively well off, as long as I keep working, though I admit that is getting more difficult, at least in optics. After 27 years in the profession, I may just be finding I've had enough.
It may have been quite a good niche for an (undiagnosed) aspie. It's technical, well-defined, with a fairly circumscribed and predictable degree of social interaction.

Am I emotionally intact? Now there is a good question. I've always had trouble dealing with, understanding a world that was more emotional than I was. In the last two years a diagnosis of AS has given me a new context to work with in that respect.

I live alone, always have except for a few brief and not very successful house-shares.
Hardly any girlfriends, ever.

I've kept going for different reasons over time.
1) because that was how I was raised: to pass exams, earn my own living. The values weren't questioned or questionable early on. It was just how the world was.
2) 20's 30's, while working, what really kept me going was hunting, philosophically, for the right hook to hang the universe on. Investigating philosophy and theology, pursuing hobbies. Waiting for a mate to turn up ("There's someone for you somewhere" was a regular refrain from colleagues, friends)
3) 40's, now that's getting more difficult. Keeping a happy face at work, the professional persona or mask, is not so easy. And I've run into so many philosophical dead ends with no obvious escape routes (Beware: philosophy is dangerous. It may be too late for me, but you can still save yourself!)
I've had a range of medication, in my case without much benefit, and a range of talking therapies, some more helpful than others.

My next plan is to down-size work. Work part-time in optics, or find a simpler lower-stress activity. I need to find some fun, or kindle a real drive or interest again. Life has been dry of that for a good few years.

I can always do a Thelma and Louise off a cliff later. Later.
Yes, I do consider it a real possibility.
To deny that would be, well, denial, but it's not inevitable yet.


"To toil, to think, to long, to grieve,
Is such my future fate?
The morn was dreary, must the eve
Be also desolate?" Charlotte Bronte.