Communication break down...is there really any hope???

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Thanks for your reply.
His special interest is computers..video editing in particular. He does believe he is AS as well, he also has a very high IQ and when someone poited us in this direction is was actually a relief.
I can & do engage with him on this hobby of his, but this too has often caused issues, as he is so interested in his special interst, often life around him doesnt appear to matter. He has been doing well with setting some boundaries, and I do my best to allow him his own time, but I do not know how to communicate with a man that refuses to communicate most times..
You are correct with him assuming every conversation is/may be a confrontation, and this he does avoid all all costs, but not everything is..
However how do I get around issues in life that need to be discussed..for instance last year his ex took him to court..and he didnt even show up, he lost almost all of his parental rights and she was out to punish him for making a stand when she was walking all over him.. he didnt even tell me till a full year later ! !..Then a little later he had a day surgery last year..he didnt even tell me until I couldnt reach him only to finally have a groggy voice say" well im in the recovery room!!",..geeze.,.
How can I feel so shut out & still feel a apart of his life..answer is. Ii dont..I feel like Im a prop..or he is a prop..which is it??

Im attempting to explain, there needs to be a way..what works ??? Tell me please Ill do it !

He has often said about how he never wins..life is not supposed to be about winning..in relationships if one person is winning, then the other is what" losing"???what good is that ?? There has to be middle ground & consequeneces of sorts for over stepping boundaries..he is grown..he has none ..should I just give up & let him ignore me & do whatever he wants wherever he wants & just skip my own needs??
How is that gonna work for me..or for him that matter?

I know he loves me, it wont work out for him if we split up over this..there must be a way???? He needs to earn my trust..I dont know if from one day to the next if he even will show up at home..when he wants to aviod life & me, he easily does..my kids have even become accustomed to" wondering" if he will be home each night..

I feel like this whole thing is really creating an unstable life for me & my/his kids...what of a future?? I have to ask for what its all for on my part if im so disposiable?



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Last edited by catsmeow41 on 20 May 2010, 4:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.

O.k., give us NTs out here a hint, professor.

How do you rebuild trust with an AS person who has lost trust because we've been trying to "communicate"?

What should she (us) do?

Please be specific and give concrete examples.

Thanks.

(I'm really being less sarcastic than I seem here. Really.)

Thanks so much..Ive begin to meditate weekly, still learning, class is tonight..aww..I may come back with all my centers balanced once again later tonight..lol..Boy do I need it ! So far its not helped me to much to deal..I have hope it will. I am determined to not lose myself, yet I feel exactly like you said at times ..drowning in a pool of groundhog day re runs...as its the same response..or lack of response over & over..so matter what i try. what I say or how i approach it..he still is all of a sudden a blank page, no emotion, even if I cry as im upset, no reply, no nothing..he doesn't try to do one thing different ..how is that fair..without opening his lips I can have no way of knowing if he feels like its an interrogation or what..and how can it be such when all i say is this is how Ive been feeling, and no I dont use YOU this & that..Im very very careful how I word things now.
I think we need to work on this..etc etc..I do not attack him, I do not bully him, but im also no door mat, nor his mother..how can you feel sexually attracted to someone who hasnt changed their underwear in 3days & you have to remind them! I dont want to have intimate relations with someone Im mothering. or someone who runs down for a bite to eat as as you lay next to them, they are champing in the dark without any efforts to go brush..ick ! !
This whole showering this is new..or I should say lack of showering , and its not depression, its simply..sniff sniff..oh I dont think I need one tonight..seriously..laziness I suppose..or his relentless pursuit of finishing that youtube video he is in the works making..sometimes he eats so fast and is back at the computer I still havent eaten half my food..Ive had to ask him to please sit & stay..but you see his eyes wandering as he is brainstorming..waiting for escape..Man Im tired..
I think with him, if he thinks he smells, he goes promptly..whatever suits him is what he does..

Of coarse I am venting, he has a very loving side as well, but it seems to be the computer is his main desire now & theres really no need for him to do anymore in this life..we have the house..i do all the errands laundry groceries, errands, bills, he doesnt even drive..I do all that too! He works, eats & computer time...and then oh yeah/.//dont dare say one negative word..or want to discuss one adult situation..and poof..Im all alone again..wondering what its all for..and why..and how can he love me & disconnect form me so entirely that he can ignore me for days & days & go on with his life..how is that possible..change needs to happen..if he wanted 100% alone time, then why does he insist he wants this life?? cause its easier for him>> This is what I struggle with! I also love him & I believe love is the strongest force in the universe..but what if his planet is not in this universe??? What then !

If you were being sarcastic at all, I may not notice and if I did it would be utterly irrelevant to me. So no worries.

1) I really think the key is engaging on interests, and not just his "special interest". Just spend time talking about things that interest both of you. They must exist. You're together for a reason. What did you talk about when you were courting each other? What did you do that was fun for both of you?
Let conversations become about that again, for a while.

2) Once he's come to see conversations as something he can enjoy again, why don't you just ask him what it's like to be him. We have feelings, we just usually don't share them (we being aspies, men, or aspie men, I think there are similar arguments to be made). And find out why he values the things he's doing? Why does he value not shaving? And ask him what things he thinks you guys need to work on together. He'll have to believe he's not being baited into an argument here, hence the need to really focus on 1) for a while. But once he's shared his thoughts, it is entirely appropriate to voice your own. If he's rational, that will work out.


I recognize that you shouldering the burden seems unfair, but if it is the case that you are the one who is actively conscious of flaws in the current situation, it's going to be on you for a little bit to get him to see that too. He can't see it, or he won't see it. And he will continue not to see it, I'd wager, if you don't make things happen somehow. So if you feel the relationship is worth continuing, I'd engage on the points I'd made above.

You, of course, have the right to issue an ultimatum. That may or may not end in a manner you find acceptable.

It sounds to me like he is either...

1. Depressed...lapse in personal hygiene is usually a strong indicator of this.
2. Is of the philosophy that if you really love him you'll love him no matter how much he smells. (But then one could argue if he really loved you he'd shower).
3. He's not happy in the relationship and trying to push you away because he doesn't have the guts to be the "bad one" and tell you.
4. He's passive aggressive and likes having the ability to irritate you.

So while I can't say whether he has AS or not, these traits certainly aren't indicative of AS.

Thanks for your help.

We finally talked last night, when I did get home later in the evening he had made up a list of what he believed it would take to keep me happy. It was in point form..
he really didnt speak at first, he had made a note for me..i asked him to try & write me a ltter, but the note was suitable to open the door to communication again.
It was like this:

You want me to -
1. to shave,
2. shower
3.buy flowers
4.less cvomputer etc.etc ..there were a number of things on here..

It certainly was in no means a love letter...but he said he will try harder & keep the list so he doesnt forget ( ps, he always needs list to remember..he has ato carry a notebook everywhere at work just to get thru the day, he has a terrible memory)

We more or less have the break down in communication issues when I address a topic he doesnt feel is necessary to discuss..then what I see is he appears to decide he will not dicuss it as I already said all I need to say, and case closed.
He said he doesnt see the point in continuing an arguemnt( for me its called discussion) as he will not fight. So yeah his perception of any type of discussion seems to be " its a fight" even when its not really.
But as he backs away, It usually turns into a fight as he then becomes mute and avoids me ..but I try to explain if he co operated in the converstaion , nodded..commented instead of looking away like he is not even concerned, then maybe it would help..even a cpl words..or a aha..or ummm..he said he will try. he told me looking away is just the way he listens to ppl..

I still dont know if he can/will be willing to do more writing to help communicate in the future, he said he will try that too.

So with a minty kiss goodnight & a freshly showered mate , we were back to the love..and frankly I dont ask for much, but when the little I do require is taken away, then its a whole other story.

Thanks for everyones support..I appreciate it all..I do love my man..its just so hard at times.
We are back to the loving, and all is good for today!