Latest 'Father' Rant (heads-up: some censored cussing ahead)

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I cannot go back to sleep, I feel so pissed off right now, Because I think that my dad has just reached an all time low when it came to humiliating me!! Now I know I'm probably get a LOT of eye-rolling and cries of 'oh come on, it wasn't intentional', but I HAVE to get this off my chest or I just might hurt him

About ten minutes ago, I was woken out of a semi-deep sleep by him for a semi-serious matter: I needed to sign an important document before he mailed a copy of my apartment lease to my landlord. Well, it wasn't so much the fact that he woke me up and I sound so unintelligible when I first wake up....it was the way he FOUND ME when he woke me! You see, I usually sleep in a t-shirt and boxer shorts....and the way he found me...

...my boxers had ridden up and I'm quite sure I was flashing him a good amount of unshapely buttock...and WORST of all....my tee had also ridden up a few inches....thus EXPOSING MY UNGODLY *DISGUSTING* BARE STOMACH TO HIS EYES!! ! That is unforgivable! You see, I used to be a beanpole in high school, who was always underweight...like he was before the 'easy life' gave him a potbelly. Well, now I feel he is laughing his ASS off on the inside, knowing that I've become just like him, and I F***ING despise him for that!

But anyway, I pulled myself together (after his mildly insensitive comment on 'getting the bugs out of my system') enough to get up and walk to the kitchen to sign the paper...but this, while not offensive as him waking me up when I was practically naked in front of him, still irked me: I almost bumped into him in the hallway because we both exited our rooms at the same time! Seems so piddly, but I really don't even like being closer then one foot away from him, especially after undergoing his brand of humiliation...but I signed the goddamn paper, and went immediately online to Wrong Planet to, as many will say, 'call the WAAAAAAMbulance'!

You know...it's times like this...that I'm so f**king GLAD that he's undergoing several weeks of chemo...because he deserves EVERY OUNCE OF SICKNESS involved in the process of delaying his inevitable, and hopefully soon-to-be, death. Maybe one afternoon after almost puking his guts out from the radiation treatment involved, will he feel the equivalent of the sickness that *HE* makes me feel when he angers me, but I doubt it!

So come! Call me an insensitive jerk! Tear me a new as*hole! I WELCOME IT!

Usagi1992

Ok, I realise you've just written this after feeling embarrassed, so maybe when you calm down you'll look at what you've written. But I'm going to be really honest with you here.

Your dad has done nothing wrong. Maybe he should have knocked, but signing that form sounds a lot more than a 'semi serious matter', so he was right to wake you up to sign it. The fact that he found you in a dishrevelled state is not his fault; you chose to dress like that. If you're that self conscious, wear pajamas. Anyway, he's your dad; big deal if he doesn't see you at your best.

I can't believe I just read that. I hope to God you have never said such evil things to your father's face (the fact that you are soo hurt by his 'insensitive' comment about the bugs... it's almost laughable). Have you any idea how awful chemo is?

You're spouting all this venom just because your dad was trying to get your lease for your place signed (and by the way, shouldn't you be taking responsibility for that?). He's doing his best to take care of you, despite having cancer, and this is how you repay him?

You're embarrassed about being seen in your underwear? Grow up and move out and do your own paperwork next time.

You might have to.

To Lene...

Yes, I am calmer now that I've had a chance to do some therapeutic things. You make some interesting points, but I have some things to point out too:

Firstly, I *DO* have my own apartment, which recently I've renewed my contract to stay another year (thank f***ing christ!), hence the importance of signing that paperwork, which I will acknowledge, was important at the time. P.S. - My parents still handle most of my paperwork because most of it just flies over my head.

Secondly, it's BECAUSE I live on my own that I mostly live and sleep pants-less indoors, because I don't have to worry about modesty issues when living alone. It's just the fact that sometimes I spend the night at my old homestead that I was literally caught with my pants down. It was frigging 70 degrees that night, and pajama bottoms would've made the heat worse.

Thirdly, regarding your statement 'so what if he doesn't see you at your best', let me quote a passage from the shory story "Guts" by Chuck Palahnuik which REALLY summarizes me to a tee:

"Even with my guts unraveling out of my ass, and me holding onto what's left, even then my first want is to somehow get my swimsuit back on. Because God forbid my folks see my penis."....that is SO me!

And lastly...even though I am calmer now...I make no apologies for that statement I made regarding my father's chemo treatments. As many of the seasoned veterans on this board who know me well know, this is not the first time I've wished pain and suffering upon my father. All you'd have to do is read my "I'm Gonna Phrase this as Gently as Possible" thread to know just how much venom there is in me towards him.

I don't care if he IS the man that gave me half of my D.N.A.; I don't care if he's allowed me to stay under his roof for 33 f***ing years; I don't even care that he has had SOME redeeming qualities in helping me out all these years of my life. Bottom line is, he's ashamed of me, and deep down sees me as nothing but a nuisance and a stain; and for that...he must perish.

Yeah, yeah, I know...most of you are probably thinking "Oh come one, he's your father, have mercy."

God has mercy. I DON'T.

Usagi1992

Buddha said it better than I could:
Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.

I think you are being overly concerned about it.

*nods* that's beautifully put, Snow Queen. Reminds me of a quote from Confucius that goes "What you do not want done to yourself, do not do to others". (a forerunner to The Golden Rule, I think)

But you have a point. Sometimes I gotta remember that life is too short, and shouldn't spend so much of my life dedicated to petty grudges, heh.

Of course, I'll probably forget about this in a month or two. But it's the thought that counts, right?

Usagi1992