When getting help isn't logical

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I'm sorry that this is going to be so dull. I'm just sitting on the couch crying because i don't know what else to do. Writing helps me, and the idea that someone just might read this, well... it can't hurt.

I'm 26, and undiagnosed. The anxiety, depression, and decreasing cognitive ability i've been going through over the last month or so has me uncertain about my having AS or something else. Whatever it is, it's been there all my life. I've also had epilepsy all my life, diagnosed at age 13. My seizures were subtle enough that both of my (loving and caring) parents didn't notice them - all 5-10 a day of them. With the epilepsy came memory loss. Aside from the epilepsy though, i've always been "different" - but in a different way.

I've been married for about 6 years... When my wife and i met, i had never had a job and was still living with my (frugal/minimalist) dad. He was never around, and i was alone most of the time. And then, the avalanche began. I got a job. I moved out. I got married. My mom died, and my dad moved to a different state. Now, I am NOT living alone, and my living quarters is about half what it used to be. I knew from the start that these things were a challenge to me, and spent several years trying to learn and master whatever it was that was afflicting me, to no avail.

Another aspect worth considering is my epilepsy. When my wife and i met, and a couple years into our marriage, my epilepsy was not well controlled. As such, i did not have a very good memory. This was the Jacob my wife married - i was more carefree, and certainly not anxious, even when things weren't going "my way." I was AWARE of the challenges i faced, just not very AFFECTED by them. I was just too out of it from having seizures all the time. As my epilepsy treatment improved, my anxiety skyrocketed. All of the sudden i was in "the real world" instead of "the seizure world." In the "seizure world" my wife SAW and RECOGNIZED my challenges - her behavior towards me reflected this. In the "real world" she can no longer see the suffering i go through.

I have not been able to work for about a month now. I'm supposed to be returning to work tomorrow, working Monday Wednesday Friday, 6 hour shifts... I am very afraid... I'm considering filing for SSDI but i have been lying to my neurologist about seizure activity, so as not to be put on a more expensive medicine for my epilepsy. And last month was the first time seeing a doctor about "the rest" of it. We will be filing for bankruptcy soon.

I basically just want to die.

I know i need more help than i am getting. We're already getting discounted help from a sliding-scale medical center. Considering i'll be making a whopping $300 a month or so, and my wife just lost one of her 2 jobs, it is already tough to make ends meet. Thus, it would be nonsense to move from monthly to weekly or biweekly visits. We would be living on the street.

On the same topic, the wife will be increasing her hours to full-time at her other job, which will eventually qualify her for health insurance. We've had insurance in the past, but it's always cost us more than it's saved us. Copays, deductibles, AND the monthly premium add up to something like $400-$500 a month OR MORE... we CANNOT AFFORD THAT.

She and others are constantly bickering at me to "get help" - in the form of medical help and/or insurance. What the hell do i do when "help" is illogical and/or unattainable ?

In the past, cannabis has helped. Right now, that's not an option, and i'm OK with that.

But, that leaves me with... Nothing. The only two people in my life, my wife and my dad, do not understand what's going on. They just holler at me - Work more hours, Get Insurance, Go to the Doctor.

I really really really just want to down the rest of my meds and go to sleep to never wake up again... But my love for my wife and father keep me from doing so. I don't know how much longer i can live like this though.

Again, i'm sorry to be a downer... taking thoughts out of my head and putting them on "paper" helps.

I agree with you that the feeling, the emotion of wanting to commit suicide is very "logical" right now, in opposition of "getting help" - I've had that frame of mind for 35 of my 44 years!

However, committing suicide is not the thing to do right now. I have made three attempts myself; the first two when I was a teenager, the third right before I went into a homeless shelter. If I may offer an alternate course of action? Please call whatever number you can for suicide crisis, be completely honest with them about everything that you're experiencing and let them help you!

Something that has also helped me considerably is the "Five minutes" practice; all you need to do right now is just get through the next five minutes of time, then the next five minutes of time and the next five minutes after that. Something in those five minutes might happen to help you calm down, even if it is just realizing you can survive for five minutes, okay?

I wish you peace.

hi,

i'm an NT mental health professional who usually reads this forum to better understand my aspie clients, and i joined today because i'm worried about you, and i want to tell you the following things:

1. if you feel intensely suicidal, call the suicide hotline to talk to someone. call 1-800-273-TALK / 1-800-273-8255

2. you need to start being honest with your neurologist. this means telling him/her the frequency and duration of your seizures so you can get on the correct medication. this also means telling them that you are out of work and cannot afford your meds. drug companies have programs to help people who cannot afford their medication, and your doctor or pharmacist should be able to tell you about these. your doctor can also give you samples of medication. ALSO, you need to be honest with your doctor about your overwhelming anxiety. it may be a symptom of your epilepsy, and even if it's not, there are drugs that can help. lorazepam is very effective, and inexpensive. i, personally, take 2mg every night, and i feel better; not like a zombie. you don't have to feel this way.

3. you can get help. there are resources available. google 'free clinics omaha' for some free clinics that provide mental health services. they will either help you, or point you in the right direction. if you already have a therapist, tell them you need more help, but you are having trouble paying for it. they may be willing to work something out with you.

your wife and father want you to get help, and that means being honest with doctors, taking medication, and getting therapy. anxiety disorders can absolutely be controlled. you do not have to live this way.

please, please let me know if i can do anything else to help.

Bravo meeple!

McNerdius -

Are you doing better?

I broke down and checked into my county's mental health center for a couple weeks... On june 8th, the day after my original post. My last 4-5 days there actually seemed OK, but then, that's something that i've dealt with in the past - convincing myself i'm OK when it's not actually the case. They referred me to a local sliding scale facility - $17 a visit. WoW ! The therapist i'm seeing for an hour every week seems okay, however the psychiatrist visits, at FIFTEEN MINUTES... are useless. I should back up...

I checked myself into the MHC because i was ready to kill myself. So of course, when i got there, it was all about "Depression and Anxiety" - but, uh, what about epilepsy, social withdrawal, and all of the things that i am TALKING about ? They hear me talk about my epilepsy's effect on my memory, social development, etc, and dismiss it, saying "How is that different from any other case of depression ?" No, i'm not kidding. He actually said that. My response ? "I've had about 100,000 seizures in my life - and that is a lowball estimate." To that, he something to the effect of "But if you were depressed in high school, while your seizures were not controlled, and you are still depressed now, when your seizures are better controlled - it doesn't have anything to do with your epilepsy, right ?"
[as a child, i was having absence and simple partial seizures 5-30 a day, as an adult i've had simple and complex partial seizures 0-10 a day]

And that was the end of our session. I'm not kidding. I'm not going to this guy anymore if he keeps being an ass. Dismissed Asperger's because "It's normally diagnosed during childhood" - while mispronouncing 2 of the 3 syllables.

What's screwing me over right now is that i have at least four distinct problems to work through, requiring a total of THREE doctors, each of which tells me to lower this dose of that medicine because this interacts with that, ALL THE WHILE telling me "Oh, most patients are on higher doses of epilepsy medicine... you're not even taking that much ! !!" SCREW OFF ! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !

Why the heck is it up to ME ME ME ME ME ME ME to figure this crap OUT ! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !!

I still have another possible place to seek treatment, but it's $70 a visit, and i think i'll wait a while before doing that one.

So basically, i'm not doing any better. Not really. This horrible sensation of not being understood, not being taken seriously is exactly why i've avoided dealing with this in the past. But being a 25/26 year old husband of 6 years with these problems is different than being a single 18 year old high school graduate with these problems. I will persevere as long as i have my wife's support. My only goals in life right now are get diagnosed and get better.