How to say this politely to an NT?

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Perhaps someone who is an NT themselves, or is at least acquainted enough with NT behavior could help me out here. I’ll try to explain this as best I can.

I belong to a Unitarian youth group. I am quite happy with the group as they have taught me social skills and cured my shyness completely. Unfortunately, I’ll only be allowed in it for a little over a year before I am kicked out for being too old, and with college the way it is, I’d be surprised if I even got to go to another session.

But that isn’t my problem. I’m currently in charge of the web site for not only the group, but for the entire Florida District YRUU. Again, no problems here. I’m quite comfortable with HTML, CSS and W3C Compliance.

So what is my problem? Well, a while back, my Mom shut down the server we were running the thing on because the real reason she paid for that server disappeared (‘twas another site on the same server that was abandoned by the members). However, another very computer-savvy member of the group offered to host the site on his own home-brewed Linux server. He’s new to server operation, but he had given me free space on there for some time, and he seemed to be doing a good job. Not that there was any other option anyway.

Anyway, a while back, he implemented a new SSL-based security mechanism on the FTP software on the server. He says he did this because of hackers, but it may not have been necessary and he may have been brushing up on his skills. I really couldn’t say for certain. The problem with this security measure is that it is wayy too restrictive. It’s more than just plain SSL encryption, and demands I have certain security features in my client. I tried more than 15 different FTP clients on both Linux and Windows before I found one that would actually connect. It’s command-line-based, making it quite uncomfortable for me, but at least I could get in.

Then, a while back, he changed something so that even this program did not work. What’s worse is that I had work to do on the site, and was unable to do so because I couldn’t access the server. My friend was unable to resolve the issue, and we had to settle for him doing the work. This makes me feel guilty because he’s already doing enough for the site and it’s supposed to be my job to take care of it.

Now I have even more work to do. This time, extensive modifications need to be made for the content of most of the site. Again, I could get him to do it, but I feel like it is my job. I also don’t feel it is practical for me to be unable to access the FTP server forever.

So I want to tell him that his security is too high. I want to point out that I’ve used several professional hosting companies before, and none of them have ever been so insanely restrictive. This isn’t something that can go without being said, especially given that my term does not expire until next summer…

However, the problem is that he is Neurotypical. I may have attained great people-skills (at least with strangers anyway, friendships are tough), but my sense of manners is terrible, and I have no idea how to word this politely so as not to offend him. Further complicating the matter is that I have been using unlimited storage space on his server for my own personal stuff for a long time. He gave me the space, and I don’t want to sound ungrateful by complaining about the fact I can’t access it – especially because I’m not ungrateful.

So how do I convey this? To clarify, here’s how I’d say it to an aspie:

Hey,

I am again unable to do my work because the FTP incident from last time has not been resolved. This is the same problem as last time, and I do not think it is possible to correct the problem. I think your security settings for the FTP are too high, and however safe it may make the site from attacks, that serves little purpose if legitimate access does not work either. Please lower the security settings to a more accessible level, so that I may do the job I was elected to do.

I doubt such honesty would be acceptable to an NT, so I’m wondering if there’s a way to write this in a less-offensive way while still trying to get my point across. I don’t have long to fix this, because that stuff should already be up by now, and I don’t want to email him about it until I’ve figured this out, so if anyone can help, then please, help me quickly!

Here's my attempt. I usually do well if I have the time to think things out and put them in writing.

I am still unable to update the YRUU Web site because of the FTP security. Would it be possible to lower the security settings, even if only temporarily? I have extensive site modifications to do, and I would not feel right imposing on you further to make the changes when I was elected to handle the site. Please let me know your thoughts.

Here are some things I changed:
- used less negative terms ("issue" instead of "problem")
- removed blaming or critical language ("your security settings...are too high")
- removed language about the recurrence or continuation of the problem
- changed the request to a question instead of a command
- indicated respect for the other person's time and effort ("imposing on you")
- added the option of making the change temporary, perhaps just during maintenance times
- ended by asking his opinion

Last edited by Pheas on 14 Sep 2006, 9:17 am, edited 1 time in total.

Hi Kamex,

You say that this is another member of the group, and a friend. Is he aware that you're an Aspie? If so, all you have to do is start by saying 'Please don't be offended by what I'm going to say-because of my AS people often think I'm too abrupt, and they tend to take things I say the wrong way.'

NTs in general don't know much about AS, and if you tell them straight they'll appreciate it.

If he doesn't know you have AS and you don't want him to, just do it like this...
It's always good with NTs to throw in a compliment-start by mentioning something you think is GOOD about what he's done...

'I think you've done a great job with....., but...' and then say what you want to say. (Remember NTs are motivated by what other people think of their work, and get satisfaction from knowing someone's noticed when they do something good.)

End by saying 'I hope I haven't offended you by saying this, but it is becoming a real problem. Maybe we could work out a security level you feel confident about, but one that will allow me the access I need to do my job'.

He'll probably be very happy to discuss this with you. By saying this you're letting him know you're willing to advise him if that's what he wants, but you're not going to make him feel that you think he's not competent to do it himself. NTs like input from other people. And if he's newer to server operation than you, he'd probably appreciate your help.

If he's given you unlimited storage on his server, he likes you. He probably wants to be your friend but may not be getting the signals back from you. NTs (unless they have an Aspie in the family) would assume that if you're not giving the usual social signals you're not interested. If he expresses an interest in 'getting together' to work on the the security issues, and you'd prefer not to do this face to face, just explain that you feel more comfortable communicating by email.

Good luck... let us know how it goes. I don't think you've got anything to worry about.

I think thats great advice (see above)

Pheas....where did you learn that stuff...that is really cool...is there a book I should be reading to learn how to do this...It's amazing to be able to be honest and "politic"...I am way to blunt and end up hurting peoples feelings and offending my co-workers(getting yelled at by my boss)Information isnt effective if the way I present it alianates the people I am trying to communicate with.

How did I learn? Well, mostly through being too blunt and hurting people's feelings! Life is easier now that most people think I'm a pretty nice person. I have taken some communication courses over the years, and I had a great role model in my supervisor for many years. When I was a new employee, she would review and revise my writing to make it more NT-friendly.

From those sources, I was able to construct some rules. Rules are extremely helpful to me in learning, and I know they are to many Aspies, so that's why I tried to explain the thinking behind my suggestions. Also, I am able in some cases to put myself in the other person's shoes, and if make it a rule to try to do that before sending a message, it increases my chances of success.

I'm sure there are some books out there, but I was too stubborn to read them when I was younger, and now that I am older, I have figured out many of the tricks through trial and error.

Allowing remote connections to the account through SFTP is safe and secure industry-standard best practice. SFTP is done over SSH (Secure SHell) rather than SSL/TSL, and more modern FTP clients support SFTP than FTP over SSL/TSL.

Politely tell him you're having a problem connecting, and then tell him something like this: "SFTP provides security while still enabling easy access for authenticated users. If you enable connections through it, it should solve this thing."

Being overly apologetic and deferential actually turns NTs off. They'll think you're insecure and a "pushover." With NTs, you have to find the right balance between bluntness and politeness. I think this difference might also be gender specific; for men, being less apologetic is the norm, but for women, being more apologetic is.

I think you may be right actually, that's what I'd say but it probably is a bit girly!

I do think that saying 'maybe WE could come up with a solution' makes him sound more approachable and friendly, though. The NT guy would immediately feel included in the process of solving the problem, instead of just being told what needs to happen.

I'd say, "Listen if you want me to take care of the site fine. If you want to play around with your security issues, so that virtually no-one can access the site, including me. Take care of the site yourself."

I melded a lot of the suggestions and recommendations together and sent my response. I also tried making it as short as possible to make it sound like I didn't care so much. He said he'll get it fixed "ASAP". We'll see what happens from there, but he doesn't seem to have been offended.

Thanks guys.