I don't understand why I keep living

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I've been trying to read my little "feel good book" and everytime I do, it's like I get a little high from it. Like life is beginning to look happier than what it really is. All my life I've had to live with myself and I think it's beginning to take it's toll on me. I call my mom who rarely answers. Both my sisters have excluded me from a lot of stuff. I just found out yesterday through facebook that while they have eachother and my brother included in their profile of siblings, I don't exist. I even added them to friends which they didn't accept (not that it bothered me that much) but when I saw both their profiles excluding me from the family, I can't even begin to understand. We've never had issues or fights except these subliminal hints that they don't want me around whenever we're shopping or around other people. My sisters are both image concious and outgoing even though they don't like to think they are. It seems they're much more exclusive since I got my diagnosis, I don't know nor can I assume.

Anyway I can't think how or why I didn't die with the third attempt I made to rid myself. No I'm not going to do it again but I just don't understand why I go on. I guess I'm just living to survive but it's f*****g miserable. I don't understand why I go on and if I hate it so much why I don't do myself in. There are some things I live for like my....cats... But other than that, I just don't enjoy much of anything anymore except music, that's it. What's so funny, I have these thoughts all the time and people perceive me as a very happy person. I guess I hide it so well. I use to do some heavy drinking to "cheer up" but anymore I turn into a complete as*hole and I really don't want to go that road even though I'm sitting here right now craving it. The gas station is only a few blocks away.

Just thought I'd get it off my chest.

I wonder that same thing every day. I have a brother- who will change the channel on TV every time I want to sit down and watch something with him. And who has pictures of him, mother and father on his facebook profile, but no me. Whenever I walk into a room he's in, he'll turn up the volume of whatever he's listening to because he knows that I can't stand the sound of his friggin' music. Then, my parents are always saying, I wish you went out with friends like your brother does, I wish you put on makeup and clothes like normal girls do, I wish you had friends, I wish you were more like your brother... Sometimes, they can be good, but sometimes I feel like they're ashamed of me, or something. I know that right now I'm living for my dog, and for my interests- wolves, dogs, math and the universe. Other than that, I'm not really sure. However, I kind of get a bit of a high every time I know my routine didn't change one bit that day. Or whenever I find something that I liked, such as a bright star on the sky, or a full moon, or if I find out that I made a perfect score on a subject I don't usually do. However, there I get all excited and start jumping up and down like a little kid, which will cause others to either laugh, or teachers to take me out of the classroom... However, I guess that if that's what's keeping us alive, then it must be worth it.

Hmmm... First of all John Lennon was wrong. God is a concept without which we would we would have no excuse for pain. Life is exactly what we want it to be in our hearts. Our style of living reflects what we cherish the most.

None of us suffers unless we chose to suffer. The only difference between starvation and fasting is the matter of choice. Many great writers have made a good living from suffering and if I hadn't spent so much time in it, I surely wouldn't have the poetic and philosophical bent that have.

If I had been happy, I would not have been able to handle it. Further, I wouldn't have recognized it. Happiness is a lot of responsibility. Misery is a lot easier for us. it requires only sitting back and lettng it happen. Work and responsibility aren't a whole lot of fun, so why be happy?

Once you're unhappiness has finished and says to you, "Okay, MissContrue, take what you have learned and entertain the masses", you'll understand. I hurt so badly for so many years and wanted to die everyday, but lucky for me, I didn't. I still had more misery left to go through and write about and talk about and to make me realize how many wonderul things there are in the world.

(((hugs)))

Sorry about your current circumstances MC, I hope things change for the better for you. As far as feeling left out by your siblings, I'm pretty much in the same boat. But I've come to realise that if you don't like yourself, then you have no one. Look inwardly for content and you won't need anyone.

((((((MissConstrue)))))) often i ask myself the same question myself. Life can seem pretty pointless, absurd and crappy sometimes. I dont know how to help. the only thing I do know is that change is a powerful force in the universe. You just have to hold on and hopefully one day something good could happen...

You are still here because you're valuable as a person and you have a beautiful soul. If you like reading feel-good optimistic things, I think I have the perfect website for you. A good friend sent me this when I was feeling down, and it helped a little. Hopefully you'll get a smile out of it or something.
http://www.givesmehope.com/

By the way, there is a reason why those attempts didn't work. You are here for a reason. Maybe you don't know the reason yet, but if you stay strong and stay on the earth with us you'll surely find out.

I'm glad that you're still here. Sid hugs. :O)

because i told you to?
Keep living MissConstrue

(((hugs)))

You are fortunate to have pets and interests to make you happy. At least you know what the feeling of happiness is!
I used to be a true blue masochist writing poetry` music and creating art out of what seemed to be sublime suffering. I felt that was the place to experience my only blue joy... creativity.
It took time and guidance from a few concerned people till I realized that seeking healthy pleasure was better than gloom and doom.
Just keep seeking what makes you happy. A happy person is more likely to attract a friendship circle to replace your rotten family.
My mother was rich, but spiritually poor with a guilty conscios about all the hateful rejective acts to me throughout my life. One day she told me to quit trying to win her love. Just take her money. So she just kept writing checks for years. That did not replace love and I felt bad for accepting her checks. It is rarre a hateful rejective mother or anyother family can feel. Guilt, much less make a parental damages settlement.
I never won love or acceptance. I never stopped trying. My mother just used those monthly checks to turn the guilt back to me, saying I only was interested in her for the money. So I cut myself free from the money trap. I then just met totally psychotic responses. One day I called just to say that I still loved them. I was threatened with a restraining order for mental abuse. They called the police and petitioned me into the mental hospital for being a danger to others.
The psychaiatrist just let me go after a couple days.

Sometimes one simply cannot win their family`s love.
But we can win other`s love.
Sometimes you`ve just got to move on and try to make a new family circle... friends who like to be with you`

MissConstrue,

That's really sad your siblings are treating you that way. Have you ever confronted them about it?

If they treated you like that, they're unworthy of your time and company. Whatever reason they choose to exclude you seems very irrational, emotional and cruel. It would be a real pity if you stopped living so hang in there!

Sending load of hugs.

Sisters can be cruel uncaring b***h's I have 2 sisters also and only talk to my younger sister, but since my parents died we have all gone out separate ways
Now when I feel I am at the lowest part of my life I wish I had someone to turn to in my family, but I have isolated myself so much, I am afraid to talk to them.
I have made my will out to my little sister, don't want anyone to know I am dead and burned away, told her to throw my ashes in the garbage

What a family ......

It's always possible some of the exclusion is in your head, but then again, let them come to you and try not to rely on what they think of you as any kind of personal value. If they surprise you, great, and if they really are avoiding you, screw em.' "Family" are more like what you'd call guidelines, imho.