My soul is dying...

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At least, that's how i feel. I've been starved of the love and affection that I need, and it's starting to really show. It's taking every ounce of mental will to avoid becoming embittered about my situation, and I fear that by the end of the year I'll effectively become a new Sodini (just concerned with affection instead of sex). I know that I'm already screwed up in the head because I need abnormally large amounts of affection and emotional support to function correctly, but I'm still effectively lost and alone...

Assuming the announced age is correct, it is a common place to be - pretty much where I was 22-24 or so. What can I say? What could I have said to me? Hold on - it gets better.

I used to do a lot of psuedo-social activities that I thought was a social life. Now looking back at it...uh...not so much. Still, it filled up my need for socializing, and I felt like I had friends. I was in a lot of music and theater groups. The social demands were small (compact and forced between long intervals of task focus) and folks were pretty forgiving of my silent times. And they were pretty supportive and affectionate. I've always needed touch to feel accepted, I know this isn't the case for lots of people, but I think it helps me feel safe when people I trust/like don't mind me being in their space.

I don't know if music is the right thing for you, but maybe if you think of something that you are passionate about in a psuedo-social setting, it might help you feel better.

Yeah, this is what I need as well, but I don't have anyone that I can trust on that level anymore... no gf, and my parents are too emotionally distant now (although its not their fault; I'm the one that's screwed up in the head and they shouldnt be obligated to provide me with anything... it's a miracle they're letting me live with them still)

I'm in my church choir, but it's mostly all older people. I was also in a high school/college summer theater program for a long time, but I just aged out of it, and I don't know of anything else where I can do that kind of thing and be able to be with my age group. But I definitely understand and agree with your point about social settings like this...

ONE OF MASLOW'S NEEDS? so is it need to conform to society (everyone else my age is doing it - trust me, got married first and only time at age 30 because i thought it was "the thing to do") OR is it wired in us biologically to seek a mate?
Having been a professional "loner" for about half a century, I actually prefer being the "observer". Being stuck with someone who irritates you more than thrills you would be the WORST torture for me, and getting "too close' is kinda scary. After the initial pheromone rush wears off, you are faced with the reality of "working" on building and keeping a relationship. As a life long sufferer of my complex neurological system, I always had to choose between supporting myself and being independent vs. personal relationships. So now that i'm retired, I should find that "special one". I highly doubt it. To quote John Mellencamp..."i need a lover that won't drive me crazy....someone to thrill me AND THEN GO AWAY"

Not necessarily. It's one of those things I never understood until I had kids of my own. Remember that they love you more than anything in this world, despite being human and having their own faults, flaws and inadequacies. They don't always do the right thing either, but they will always do their best for you. For some people, that's still a miserable torture, but my guess is you parents aren't abusive or you wouldn't be there with them. Have you asked for a hug?

I have to hug my kids first thing every morning--hug them tight for a long time. I used do this, because my son would melt down every morning on wake up, and holding him seemed to keep him together while his senses woke up. He doesn't have the meltdowns anymore, but I've found he functions more smoothly if I just remember to do this. Thing is, now with my husband and I completely estranged...*I'm* the one needing those hugs to set my day right, and my young teens are too cool for them. So I learned to ask them. And you know what? I get my morning hugs from each of them now. Maybe if you explain to your mom or your dad that it helps you cope and feel safe, they can help you with that. If you feel safe, you might be able to repair the distance between you...my guess is they feel pushed away by some of your defensive behaviors...behaviors you're putting up because you don't feel grounded and safe. Just a thought. And an easy thing to experiment with.



ooof. yeah, same thing happened to me. And the church choir isn't satisfying because it tends to be an oxygen crowd--it's fun and social and all, but doesn't feel like friends as much. Funny, huh? What about a community choir? Or community theatre? Or if there is a community college or university nearby there may be a choir that welcome people who aren't necessarily students. This was a hard time for me, post-college. I think it's hard for NTs as well...particularly if you have to move away from your circle of friends to start that first job. You go from a peer environment to a work environment where there aren't many people your age, and most of them have WAY more responsibilities than you (spouses, children, mortgages) and have no interest in being friendly with you. It can be tough figuring out how to meet people.

Me, I got married when it didn't quite feel right just so I didn't have to face this grown up world alone. I think it kept me safe from bad influences I would have fallen into for the sake of having someone to hug, but at the same time, it just wasn't right. I'm paying for that now, and now there are little Aspies running around who will have to pay the price as well. It isn't fair. So...I hope you find comfort in a way that doesn't carry much cost.

I don't want to get out of my hell.

I recommend getting a pet such as a cat or dog. I almost died the other day as I had to give up my pet. If you need affection or just someone to greet you at the door on a daily basis there is nothing better. Also the pet can sleep by you and you wouldn't feel so alone. You could mother it and this could distract you from current thoughts of being alone.

put out