How to cope, feeling helpless. Intoversion vs. Extroversion.

Post Reply New Topic

There's probably a few things in this post that will probably tick off some of you. Just saying that in advance...

Having a lack of sleep due to college isn't helping much... I seem depressed, but I know I'm not in depression, since I have great goals for myself, and hopes for the future. Problem is... I wonder if these goals are unrealistic for an autistic/aspie.

Problem #1: I don't want these damn lowered social skills. The introversion. Tired of it. Underlying depression makes this hell for me. I hate being with others, but I hate even moreso being alone. It seems like many here, I've seen, want you to accept yourself for who you are - "you don't have the greatest social skills, but that's okay." Okay? What's okay about it? The only things I'm really interested in life right now. are those which require good communication. I've had a lot of practice over the years, so talking to others in general has improved very much, and these days I make so fewer mistakes in discussion. The unchangable is the... introversion. Once I get a conversation going, I can mostly do well. But I don't like initiating conversations or putting myself in those situations. (I wonder if this is a reason to hate me here, since I want to change... if that isn't, then probably the assumption that it would be, may be.)

Am I just doomed? I don't care for being the "most extroverted person" in the area, but I want to be able to make friends. Because of the lack of luck I've had in my life in some places, I can't enjoy solitude as well as many as some others here do. I'm fine there, but it's only until a certain point where I just wish I had someone to fall back on, on this planet. I talk fine, but I just can't put myself in those situations.

On an unrelated note, I hate these damn gender roles. I want to cry, but I can't because I'm a guy. Nor do I feel like making myself look vulnerable like that, just ruining the possibility to make friends, once again... it's only so long that you can hide your feelings, even in a journal/diary, until you just feel trapped. I would like to delete facebook so I'm not reminded of how, "Oh, hey, I'm not able to smile and enjoy the company of others like them. Yay life." But no, if I delete facebook, that feeling's never going to go away, it'll just be supressed, since I still won't make any friends that way.

Problem #2. There's this organization called "Young Life" - a non-profit but global Christian organization (all the more reason to hate me here, I'm sure.). I want to get involved in it - For personal reasons unnamed, I feel as if going there in high school has given something to me, and now I feel like I want to give back. Young Life, is a small group for high school students, led by college students who were typically in YL (Young Life) when they were in high school. Anyways, when it ended for me in high school, I felt like taking a more active role in it when I arrived in college. The freshman year of College YL is typically spent teaching the leaders how to be leaders for these small groups, and for generally "bonding", "connecting" and "making friendships" with others. (all that I guess I'm incapable of...) Teaching to be leaders happens months later from now. But I'm noticing something now more than before. The organization is full of extroverts. I was invited to a few parties (being a christian organization, there wasn't the alcohol inclusion, typically known in college parties), and it sounded really uncomfortable. So I just didn't go. In the past, meet-ups like these (I did go to a cook-out recently in the same setting), I just didn't get anything out of it. Now we're (including me) all invited to do this "overnight" thing, basically a camp-out. Two groups, boys and girls, have different curriculum. The guys, like me? We're playing tackle football from 4PM to Dark. I did football for five years, and I'm sick of it. Done with it. I suck anyways. That would be boring, and unfun for me. And tackle football... without any kind of pads? Even if I do so, it'll show sooner or later that I'm putting up a facade and that I'm really not enjoying it. I can just imagine the unanswerable questions. "Why wouldn't you enjoy this? The most manly thing there is! It's awesome!" Since I'm lucky (or, unlucky...) enough to have a milder form of Asperger's, I can keep it a secret. To explain myself truthfully... I mean, it wouldn't get them mad or anything at me. I wouldn't get bullied. But I'd just kill the mood, if everyone else is having fun I don't want to ruin it or anything. Serious conversations in which I could explain my AS/ASD would occur much, much later. This is very early in the year. But granted I can even get that far with YL this year, and somehow manage to not be a wallflower forever. Just how do I cope being one of the few, if not the only, introverts, in that kind of setting? Let alone, likely the only one autisic?

Then there's my dream of being in a band, producing music, and keeping that as a steady job. Is that probably the most unrealistic hope for me possible?

tl;dr: I hate myself for who I am, but I want to do something about it. Nice, the motivation's there at least. But I don't know if there's really anything I can do about it. I'm getting discouraged and beating myself up for it. Next, I find whenever I want to do something special, my problems here just try and get in the way..

Sounds like your being too hard on yourself. I know I will never have the kind of relationship I see on television or the movies but that's fine. I am happy where I am, I don't have good social skills, and infact, college life terrified me. One of the main reasons I dropped out, actually and I still haven't told my parents. I felt like it was high school all over again but with less structure and more people. So for sticking with it, kudos to you.

Second, If your passionate about contributing you should just go for it. I don't really have advice about football or the camping but it's seems you are building it up too much. You have the potential to get kids involved in something you shouldnt let a thing like tackle football stop you.

If it makes you feel any better, I took flag football as a class in elementary school. I was always fast but nobody knew me as a sports player just the neighborhood kids. So I would never get passed the ball, never, never,never. Eventually I just gave up, walked off the field and sat down in a field of flowers, enjoying the peace and quiet. Everyone was baffled, but I felt right at home.

Sorry double post

Thanks about the college thing, though so far I find it to be pretty different from High School. Things change quickly though, and different college campuses vary...

I've actually decided now that I'll try and stick with the program (YL) but not do the camp/football thing this weekend, say things came up (which as a matter of fact, there are a few things that get in the way of it... which can be skipped, but makes for an excuse). Typically I wouldn't let tackle football get to me, but I guess that I've been getting too hard on myself, coupled with sleep deprivation, just not feeling like it, adding depression.

But there's still the overall thing I'm not sure of... how to cope in a setting (autistic in extroverted society/group) like this...